KML, thank you for recognizing that i have come a long way in not pretzeling myself and becoming too available. I am definitely more picky than I have ever been. The pendulum has definitely swung in the other direction. I don't know how healthy that is for me either.
DNJ, I have come to a point in my life where I can still feel stuff, I recognize the feelings, and I allow myself ot feel whatever it is. I am a chronic overhthinker and feeler, so for me, it's a little different, I tend to not delve deep anymore and take my feelings and emotions for face value. I am able to seperate my feelings from what hurts me and makes me upset, from what is good for my daughter. I can recognize I can be hurt, personally, while knowing my daughter is daughter is happy and getting some amazing opportunities. I can feel pain for me and happiness for her at the same time and totally be able to separate them
I went on a date tonight. I went in with not the best attitude because I am exhausted and just not in the dating mood. But it was fun. He was cool, but there was no romantic connection I believe on either of our parts. I know he was physically attracted to me, but chemistry it was not. Good convo, laughs, etc, but something missing.
But something has been missing forever for years since M. If I am physically attracted I am not emotionally attracted. Or I am neither. And I know the other side feels something missing too on an emotional chemistry level. Those who want another date with me, I don't want it with them. I feel nothing. And those who do want another date I think it's because they are physically attracted to me, but not emotiionally. Which is weird for me, because I never thought my looks were my best best feature.
I realize, how many dates that are basically blind can i go on? It has become an act in a way. It's too my disadvantage that I have the ability to get along with anyone. I can laugh, I can keep a convo, I am generally charming. But I know it most come off as fake or not genuine. Nothing i feels genuine on all these blind dates without connection. I am not being fake, I am just being me. But it all feels so fake.
I leave these dates and I go home and cry. everytime. l like I have been too and single too long to ever be able to form a genuine connection again. If it ever does happen for me, it won't be through OLD dating again. It will have to be something that grows through getting to know someone over time. That's the only way I have connected with anyone that i ever truly felt a connection for. M was the only guy through OLD that I had a true connection with. everyone else was IRL.
I am struggling big time lately. I am working 6 days a week to make ends meet. Trying to keep up with the house, with the gym with my diet, with making sure my daughter is cared for and has what she needs. Trying to stay on top of her grades and getting her into better study habits. Helping her keep up with her social life. Work is an extra challenge. Aside from working myself to death, our department is struggling and people look to me often. But I am not the manager. I have volunteered to do a presentation to coworkers to help with all their questions and concerns. I ma getting a certification that will help the department and at the same time get some some side money. If i can market myself with this certification well, I can make some good money.
My struggle is real. It is ongoing. Nothing gets easier. I just have to keep working harder and harder. And I am so physically and emotionally tired. And I don't know how much more I can take. Something has got to give. To everyone on the outside I am some sort of super woman. I am a rock, my attitude is upbeat, I am here for everyone. But inside, I am falling apart ANd I just need someone else to say " I got you"
