ooh, oooh, I know! Help her become exquisitely competent in this area!
I realized that I had some doubts about my skills, abilities after all those years with my critical husband. I was lucky enough to have a good friend, who considers himself quite skilled-- and who was quite willing to help/coach me. I literally set some goals in this area. I am a goal setter type person, it keeps me organized and focused on what is important to me. Well, this year, I had a goal category specifically about sex-- basically to channel enthusiasm to bringing my skills to "art form" level.
If she doesn't want to be mediocre, then help her learn to be earth shattering good! You both win.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
SC- I was thinking as I read your post that it seemed logical and such a good idea. Then I read your sig line, and I realize that it would be like teaching a pig to sing. But then again, even Porky sings in some of the cartoons, right?
Hairdog - whose W is not at all, in any way, like a pig.
Quote: Yes, she's basically withholding to punish me...and she's punishing me based on what she thinks is going on in my head...and really, what this is all about is that she feels she cannot adequately address my sexual (read, "animalistic") urges either in frequency, in level of passion, or in (excuse me for saying this) skill. As I've said before, she is a perfectionist and is successful at most everything she does. She doesn't think she's very good at sex, and this is so personal that she would rather not even try to improve than put herself on the line and make herself so vulnerable.
Hairdog, Your wife may like Lou Paget's book, How to Be a Great Lover, Girlfriend-to-Girlfriend Totally Explicit Techniques that will Blow His Mind (you can find it at amazon.com and most other bookstores). She's a sex educator (accredited by American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists) who got into this when she tried to find a good source of information for herself but couldn't find one for women.
A gay friend taught her a manual technique in a restaurant using a spoon, which she later named Ode to Bryan (you won't be able to do it on yourself unless you're extremely doublejointed since you can't get your thumbs in the right position). She, in turn, showed it to her friends who had great success with it and shared other techniques. She then went from learning and sharing techniques with friends to teaching seminars (fully clothed), and finally to writing books (there's one written for men called How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure).
I think your wife might like it, too, because Paget writes as a mature, sophisticated, and worldly woman. Her books are very tastefully done, friendly, but explicit with step by step directions and line drawings (NO photos). Unlike other books, hers isn't mostly limited to different positions (she says there are really only 6 basic positions) but covers kissing, manual techniques, oral techniques, positions, etc. Her seminar participants include high-powered executives and professionals who want to be as successful in this area as they are in other areas.
Finally, as far as feeling vulnerable, Paget explains how to practice solo, but I found it much more fun and relaxing for my husband to hold the book and read me the directions for different manual and oral techniques. It was a lot of fun with a lot of laughter (this was back when we were able to have "lunch" together at the house once a week while the kids were in school) with no pressure or embarrassment. And, the fun thing is that you can then go on to make your own combinations and variations.
I may be LD when it comes to physical drive, but I take a lot of pride in being very skillful at LM (I'm also a bit of a perfectionist and was often first or second in high school, college, and job-related classes). I was already quite skillful and very confident thanks to a former lover who was very skillful, experienced, and a very good teacher (hmm, writing that makes me realize even more how disappointed and cheated my husband must have felt when our LM diminished after marriage) , but Paget's book gave us a lot of new and fun and very successful techniques to add to our repertoire. It's the best how-to manual for women with step by step directions that I've found and it has a permanent place in my nightstand.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
Tim, I'm feeling a little censored about PM references too because of some posts by other folks. I just read that passage and guess what? I needed to read it again for myself. There's just too much valuable info in there to ignore it and I don't want to feel like we can't safely refer to PM. If I start feeling that way from other posters, I'm going to beg the PM crowd to go to the forum at sonicboard which would be a terrible shame because the diversity of people here give lots of mixed insights.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: Tim, I'm feeling a little censored about PM references too because of some posts by other folks.
Dave,
I hope you and Tim and other people on this board keep posting about books, tapes, methods, etc. that help or provide insight. As a lurker, I found references to some books in addition to Michele's and read a couple such as Five Love Languages and His Needs, Her Needs. 5LL seems to be helpful to many people but it wasn't to me because I couldn't come up with just 1 or 2 love languages for me much less for my husband. However, His Needs, Her Needs, reinforced concepts from TSSM about sex being more than a physical itch type of need for husbands. It's also the one and only relationship book I could get my husband to read, which resulted in him telling me that he didn't feel any of his needs were being met, which was an eyeopener and catalyst for me to change.
Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that Michele recommends trying different things to find something that works and she recommends other books, including PM. So, if you find something that's helping you and/or your relationship, there's a good chance that it will help somebody else, including anonymous lurkers.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
Quote: ...Tim, I'm feeling a little censored about PM references too ...
That's funny, I'm not. Naw, I wasn't referring to making reference to PM... I was saying I caught myself once again "offering a diagnosis", and/or attempting to get too deep inside someone else's issues. As I said the other day, I think I've been delaying my own progress, and possibly other peoples' as well, by posting here too often on other peoples' threads about THEIR situations, and not paying enough attention to my OWN situation and issues. I came here to help ME, and here I am spending most of my time helping everyone ELSE (or maybe not actually helping, either).
Don't worry, this is not, in my mind, a real SERIOUS thing, I just think I need to spend more time working on my own sitch, so I will. I will also continue to write from the PM perspective, without apologies, because that is what makes the most sense to me at the moment...
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