Trying to do the right thing...

[DnJ]

Hello OC

It’s nice to hear from you. Sounds like good things and changes have taken place in your life.

I now have all the kiddos in the same city and immensely happy here knowing my kiddos are with me. I even had the opportunity to take my first vacation trip overseas by myself and even went cave exploring and scuba dived, directly addressing my claustrophobic fears! It was amazing.

XW and OM2 moved far away, and she left the kids. That is not necessarily as mean or purposeful as that appears; her running is driven by her emotional pain. It’s not the kids or you she is really running from, it’s herself.

Over the holidays, XW began thinking about the kids a lot, growing nostalgic, and even brought up the idea of coming back here and getting a house together so the kids could come have a home to visit or even live with us.

Holidays, those special times, do bring people back to reality. Nostalgia and memories swimming within her head. A peek out of the tunnel.

XW moved to another city far away with OM2 and has a nice new job making good money.

To be clear, XW lives far away, with OM2, and has a nice job with lots of money. And she has this idea of you and her buying a house and/or living together so the kids can visit. A rather oil and water mix going on in her; quite the confusion.

I did ask a few days if she was being sincere about asking that. She said she was. A week went by and I asked her if she had a timeline in mind. She said no.

MLCers are driven by their emotions. Whatever they feel, at that time and space, is their reality. XW felt that way, yet has no plan nor idea of how to implement it. Fantasy.

Then I went on vacation where I was updating our family chat group with photos and stories.

I said something odd I should not have. I told her I wished she was there experiencing this with me. She didn’t answer for. Couple days. I tried to play it off as no big deal and asked if the feelings weren’t mutual.

She said no, they were not.

Unless she broke up with OM2 and you forgot to mention that - what are you doing?

Last we spoke, you were going dark. You had enough of getting dragged around.

Then today she sent me a long email saying she no longer wants to talk about our relationship. She accused me again of tricking her into signing over custody and using the kids as leverage to get her back, and that she will never live under the same roof as me. That she’s moved on and hopes I find someone special myself.

She also said going forward she will only talk to the kids over text, talk to me over email, and won’t talk to me unless it’s about the kids.

And the other shoe drops. Holidays wind down, nostalgia fades, and the crisis reaches from within dragging her back into its dark depth.

Her anger is not surprising. Relationship talks are extreme pressure to one in such a crisis.

She again blames you for tricking her. Using the kids against her. Etc. Etc. This is all projection and crafted justification for her blaming you. This is her tactic, her unhealthy mechanism of projecting the cause of her pains upon you. A person so consumed by such torment is quite unable to see clearly for long periods of time. Her path and journey is at her pace and no one else’s.

“That she’s moved on and hopes I find someone special myself.” Realize she is talking to herself. Trying to convince herself. While, in fact, she is with someone else. Think of how messed up and confused she must be.

What the hell happened?

She is in crisis.

Her reconciliation talk was just that - talk. She most likely felt bad over the holidays. Her life not turning out like she imagined and wished it was going to. And she reached out. And placed you right back upon that shelf. This all from her crisis driven point of view. A temperature check.

I’m at a bit of a loss. She has not spoken to my youngest in a year. Only texts. She hasn’t even seen her boys in more than two years. It’s been even longer for my daughter.

Sorry man. I also got sole custody of my kids, as XW did not want them. There is little you can do. And most MLCers become terrible parents.

It is not your job to facilitate a relationship between Mom and her child; it is your job to not destroy it. You’ve not placed boulders or barriers for communication. XW chooses to only text. She chooses to not visit them.

Keep leading and walk the high road. Be the role model for your kids.

My inclination is to do absolutely nothing. No response. No acknowledgment. And leave it all alone.

Yep. That sounds like a good plan.

I think I’ve just been given a gift. Not to necessarily give up on my marriage, but to let XW live in her decision and I go on living my life.

Does that sound about right?

Absolutely! Live your life. Love your life.

OC, do let go your marriage. You are not married. That is not giving up. It’s not necessarily moving on. It is moving forward.

You stand for yourself. Your values and beliefs. Rise up, live and love, and walk in the light. Care for and guide your wonderful children. And give XW to God. Let go that which your cannot control.

There are gifts/blessing upon this journey and one finds their correct time to receive them. I believe you have been given a gift. Accept it.

D