Have any of you seen the movies Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, and Before Midnight? I just watched the last movie of this installment and thought about this forum.
I watched Before Sunrise when I was in my early twenties, just like the characters in the movie. Quick description of the plot: two people in their early twenties meet on a train and decide to get off the train together to spent a day on Vienna. The theme is, I think, the romantic ideas we have about love at that age.
I watched the second movie, Before Sunset, when I was approaching thirty, had had a long term failed relationship and had just met my h. In this movie the characters meet again (after not having seen each other for many years) and share some of the disillusionment in love (and life) they have encountered since. Both them, and I, lost some of our naivite.
Just now, in my early forties, I watched the third movie, Before Sunrise. The two characters are married (to each other) and young parents. They are tired, bicker, and carry some resentment towards each other, which resurfaces when they fight. I love the dialogue in all three movies and, while watching Before Midnight, it was like watching my h and I fight. It seemed like, no matter what the issues are in a m, conflicts between couples sound very similar. At some point, when there is no resolution, one of the characters tells the other "I don't love you anymore."
I hope they make a fourth!
I haven't seen any of those. Though I do not think you are wrong about conflicts between couples. I think many marital problems are rooted in similar issues. But mainly, I think people in love tend to overlook a lot of red flags in the other person. One of my favorite quotes is that small problems become huge problems after you are married. It is so true. Even things you thought were "cute" when you were dating can become grating. My wife has a very distinctive sneeze. When we were dating I thought it was cute. After we were married, and resentments had built up, and we were no longer connected, and the marriage was in disarray, her sneeze was like nails on a chalkboard to me.
Red flags when dating are one of those things that is difficult to talk to young couples about. It is one of those things that people have to go through, unfortunately, and cannot seem to learn from other's experiences.
I also think lots of people get being IN love confused with loving someone. I know my favorite bald TV psychologist from Texas points this out to people all the time. That butterflies in your stomach, over the moon feeling is fleeting. Loving someone and all of their warts and faults is a completely different thing. So many people are addicted to the limerance, "in love" feeling, which is why as soon as a marriage settles into the routine, they are on the prowl for the next person to give them the butterflies again.
Anyway, I am a bit off topic. But I agree with you, many of the issues in marriage have the same underlying conditions causing it. But there are plenty of exceptions and some people are flawed to the point of never going to be able to be a successful half of a marriage, at least not without a lot of self-reflection, therapy, and help.
Last edited by SteveLW; 01/19/2206:30 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
