Like I can put Tupperware in the dishwasher, I can work out whenever I want, I can make whatever I want for dinner or go out to eat. I can clean up when I want to clean up or let things go when I want to let them go. I can let the kids stay up to watch shows if we're having fun. If I leave a burner on or forget to lock a door (sometimes I just leave them unlocked because) I never get yelled at, threatened, or scolded.
Its kind of nice.
I hope it is better than nice. Liberating?
Have you learned new ways to interact with CB like that?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hey ScottyB, just wanted to say congrats on the progress you've been making. This Scotty of late seems like a completely different guy to the one who turned up here 18 months ago.
Keep at it mate!
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
R2C: If CB did mean constant badgering, then no, I haven't figured out the solution yet. I haven't had a chance to practice. I guess, I hope I never have to come up with a solution - because that means I'm never badgered again.
OnlyBent: Thanks. Having read back through my journal going back to 12/2020 I can see a significant change. I started here in 11/2019 I think. I can only imagine what that would read like. I started with a Divorce Busting coach in 7/2018. I remember in 11/2020 talking to my DB coach and he asked me "What will it take for Brad to have enough?!" I know his job was to help me figure out how to keep it together, but I think in that moment he was giving me a clue.
I also scheduled a session some time ago with an author of another book who pulled no punches and said my STBEx was a spoiled brat.
I'm now reading a book called "Heartbreak" recommended to me by my IC. One of my biggest take aways from that book is how our childhood impacts our later relationships - specifically, I was used to getting a lot of negative attention from my mom as a kid growing up. That set me up to kind of be used to that kind of treatment from a "loving relationship." The book also basically outlined me as being co-dependent and needing to learn to relate differently and better for myself and others.
I guess that will be some of the continued work. It makes me feel weak and kind of like a wimp to admit co-dependency, but I guess as they say, recognition and ownership are the first steps.
So your biggest faults in the entirety of you marriage was that you allowed bad behavior because you received negative attention from your mother and you were probably involved in a co-dependent relationship in which you were the one with dependency issues?
From a 30,000 ft view of yourself in that relationship and the relationship as a whole that's where you see your problems were? And absolutely nothing else?
Everything else was your exW being "a brat" or being "unhinged"?
I started with a Divorce Busting coach in 7/2018. [quote=ScottB]I also scheduled a session some time ago with an author of another book who pulled no punches and said my STBEx was a spoiled brat.
Curious how you found the coaching sessions? I've seen them advertised here and other sites, but always wondered how helpful they were and whether people found them worth the cost.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I'm now reading a book called "Heartbreak" recommended to me by my IC. One of my biggest take aways from that book is how our childhood impacts our later relationships - specifically, I was used to getting a lot of negative attention from my mom as a kid growing up. That set me up to kind of be used to that kind of treatment from a "loving relationship." The book also basically outlined me as being co-dependent and needing to learn to relate differently and better for myself and others.
Interesting. I'm sure our childhood/parents/upbringing impact us much more than we ever realize.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I like this line from a book “you were not necessarily wrong when you were attracted to the partner, but you are now lost in a territory that you may think is love; you are mistaken, you are in a territory of compulsion.”
Wayfarer: come on, don’t take hours of conversation and try to boil down one comment into a sound bite for the entirety. Of course not. It was just another layer of the onion of understanding.
BL42: the DB coaching was really excellent. I think reading The Lost Art of Listening three times would be a cheaper way to get started. We worked on empathy and listening a lot with my coach as well as some other things. He helped me maintain my sanity.
He had coached several thousand over his career and said I was one of his better students in regards to making changes. I did like coaching because of the feedback and direction versus counseling. Anyhow, as things have gone all the way south, I got a lot of peace of mind knowing that I tried everything in my power to save the marriage.
