While reading through, attempting at catching up with everyone, I read the above post. It has so much in it, I posted it here for myself, to remind me, and for anyone else that happens to read it. So much wisdom and truth here that if you listen to, will aide in the healing process.
*****
NYE came and went. I worked an extra job at a wedding venue. Spent a nice time watching the celebration of young love. One might think that I would avoid this, but I have found for the past 6 months or so, it's actually good for me to see happy couples in love.
Most of my friends are still married or engaged. I love being around them. Not one relationship is perfect, but it is comforting to see them in the ups and downs and stay committed to each other. Gives me such hope.
It used to be difficult to see others, it's good to know and remember that feelings are finite, change is inevitable and growth is possible.
I did have an offer of a New Year's "smootch" lol. I politely declined. I believe if there is someone I am meant to connect with, I will. Right now, I wouldn't mind a date, but I'm ok without one, too.
There are moments of acute loneliness. They now last for only a brief moment. Still there, but I can remember when those moments lasted what felt like hours, days, sometimes weeks.
It has been nice being at peace with my situation and myself.
I'm just loving my new place. I have amazing neighbors and the workload is manageable on my own. I am learning a lot of DIY from youtube! Not all projects have been successful, but I also have found a handy man to come to the rescue if I take on more than I can handle.
I hope this new year finds you all at peace.
xo
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Another weekend off! S20 is here full-time now. He and his dad had another clash. Seems the GF and her 2 young sons stayed the night while he was there for NYE and S20 heard several new versions of the inception of their relationship.
I listened and validated. S20 decided to stand by his dad's side last year. I remember thinking how much it would hurt when the truth came out, because it always does.
I remember years ago, during his first bout of affairs, I experienced what a therapist told me was "trickle-truth". Exactly as it sounds. The lies are slowly exposed, painfully slow, in a trickle. One never knows where ground zero is, because when you think, "ok. i know it all now. I can live with this new revelation." a new small bomb goes off. I remember losing my mind over time because I didn't know right from left or up from down.
Looking back now, I am surprised at how much I endured. I don't regret giving him chance after chance. I don't regret doing everything I could to save a marriage. I'm thankful for the lessons learned. I am so grateful for the peace I have. Maybe it's because I can look back now, without any hurt, anger or resentment, and realize...there was absolutely NOTHING I could have done to change his behavior. I did everything possible to save the M.
My kids know that. My sons and their wives. I have a journey that helps me be credible when they come to me with difficult lives. I didn't do anything perfectly, and I can share that, appropriately, when they need to hear that, too.
Just sitting here in this quiet house, thanking God for getting me through. For putting the right people in my life. For giving me strength. For giving me a safe place for my hope.
For giving me this place and all of you who understand. I felt so alone when I joined. A trick of the mind, that.
I heard an interesting phrase yesterday that I have been considering.
"Let them."
If they want to go, let them If they want to destroy themselves, let them If they want to learn the hard way, let them If they want to love you, let them
Still thinking about that and what it is, to me, is letting go. Of any expectation that I have a responsibility for other's lives. Responsible to them - of course. To be honest, loyal, trustworthy, and true. But not for them.
I will let them.
xo
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
yes. letting go and the sister concept, strong boundaries ... boundaries are for us, to remind us where we begin and end, where our responsibility truly lies, and even more importantly, where it doesn't.
without strong boundaries we cannot truly let go, because we always end up taking back something that's not really ours.
put another way: letting go is actually a gift we give both the person we're letting go of and ourselves. there's no teacher so powerful as experience.
Hope you sound wonderful! I'm so happy for you xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
