Anyhow, I had a good talk with my cousin last night. She asked the question I alluded to above, "what if she hadn't left and didn't change?", which really got me to thinking.
Yikes. In that world I would have seen my happiness continue to decrease. I would have felt more and more trapped. I think my self esteem would have continued to erode. And it would have gotten more and more expensive financially. I honestly think suicide has a larger idea could have entered the picture.
In her actions to end the marriage, even though I'm sad, I agree she did me a favor - maybe actually saved my life. I never would have left. And I don't think she ever would have changed. It would have gotten worse.
How many inappropriate relationships with other men was I willing to endure? How would have that impacted me?
I've become more of myself since she left. More confident in who I am. I've gotten to know myself a lot better. And I'm building of foundation of self that is healthier. I'm building stronger, fuller, better relationships with my kids and I can do crazy new things.
Like I can put Tupperware in the dishwasher, I can work out whenever I want, I can make whatever I want for dinner or go out to eat. I can clean up when I want to clean up or let things go when I want to let them go. I can let the kids stay up to watch shows if we're having fun. If I leave a burner on or forget to lock a door (sometimes I just leave them unlocked because) I never get yelled at, threatened, or scolded.
