Saving Pack through D, Pack_19 part V

[BL42]

Pack_19,

Good to hear an update. I actually went back and read through your entire stich last night.

Hope this doesn't come across as insulting or critical, but you majorly struggled with detachment and avoiding pressure/pursuit. I mean epically. For at least a year and a half despite many vets on the board telling you not to, you pursued relentlessly (asking for lunches, asking for walks, so many R conversations, emails...etc.). I can't count the number of times you said "Alright, time to start Last Resort Technique (LRT) or No Contact (NC)" only to reach out a few days later. It's not something you can just turn on and off! I only bring that up to say I see a significant improvement in this area now. I bet if you went back and read through your sitch start to present, it would be clear to you how much progress you've made in the area.

As bad as you were in the detachment & no pressure/pursuit, you really excelled at pouring your emotions into physical activity and transforming your physique and style. With all the running, biking, and cross fit over the past two years I bet you're a physical specimen and feel great about that! Love all the self-help and relationship resources you read as well.

I was very frustrated in my old job, being in Spain, asking for a promotion and only being given the "you need to keep growing" feedback was not easy. So last summer I updated my CV and went job hunting for a remote position. I interviewed with Google and Facebook, some banks and tech companies but eventually it was a process started by a recruiter that has landed me a better job remotely from Spain (yay!) with a US based company. I have a more senior position (still doing machine learning in the cloud), I get more benefits, an amazing base salary and it is not an IT company so the team atmosphere so far it´s been great. I started this month because I was asked to stay in my previous role to finish a customer project I was responsible for, but I can say it has been an improvement in my life and therefore that of my children. Of course when I said I was leaving the previous job, my teammates were surprised and my manager offered me a remote position in Spain but it was too late by then.

Congrats on the new job! Good for you for understanding your worth and needs and exploring other options.

Interesting reaction from the old company. You had been asking for promotions and flexibility on working remote due to your personal situation and they weren't willing to accommodate your needs...until you found something new and then they tried to cater to you but it was too late in your mind. Your old company reminds me of an LBS in a way. Just a thought.

I have now filed for D with my new L.

Good for you. I'm generally against D and think married couples should work through their issues, but as been stated on this board ad nauseum marriage takes two willing parties and your W is clearly not willing. You can rest easy knowing you fought for your marriage for two years despite repeated infidelity, disrespect, rejection and hatred from your W. Time to take a stand for yourself, let go, and move on.

We sold the house to a lovely couple in Munich!

Good news! Glad you can put that item behind you.

When I talked to my L, he told me to sleep well because I had committed no crime and he reassured me he would make the most so that W cannot have nothing more than what is fair. The money is in my bank account now (I refuse to play a tennis game of bank transfers) and I am waiting for action from her L.

I am still very broken inside, so I wanted to come back to continue to improve and learn from you all and to ask for help in saving me through the D.

You're stronger than you know. You'll get through this.

I never wanted this, I was convinced it would never be me the one filing, I wanted to reunite my family and give my children the love and stability they deserve but W´s priorities are just out of sync with mine now.

You're not responsible for the D. You may not have been a perfect husband, but can rest assured you stood for your marriage. You just can't control your wife...this is her path.

I want to learn here how to be a strong man and how to parent my children through the D.
Great goal! I've no doubt you'll make it happen.

[quote=Pack_19]I will try to help newcomers now that I feel I have gained perspective over my sitch.

This is great. We need more folks commenting and helping others here.

There are things that hurt me to levels I cannot understand. For example, the other day S8 and S3 were at school for the representation of a living nativity (Belen). ...I saw W arrive. We exchanged not a word, and she was literally 2 spaces behind me in the row....I managed to remain focused on my children but my brain was shouting "who is this woman? do you really have kids with her?" These situations feel so weird for me and they hurt so much I cannot understand it. Maybe you can help me with your experience. Any comments and suggestions on how to handle these new situations will help me.

Agreed, it's weird and awkward. I wrote about an awkward situation after my S6's parent/teacher conference. But I think it'll get easier over time.

I also see some of my earlier messages and think I was a mess and you all had to put up with some needy, desperate and almost irrational messages and reactions from my side.

That's alright. Almost all of us struggled. Just keep learning from it and improving going forward.

I'm glad to hear you got a new job, sold the Munich house, filed for D and are moving on. You've made so much progress on your PIES, especially physical, and you're sounding much stronger emotionally and form a detachment/no pursuit perspective.

Your most recent posts show growth and I think you're doing great. Keep it up! We're all rooting for you!