glad your experiment is currently working in your favor!!
I've played this game with h long enough to take notice that things work best when I do my best to ignore him...or rather just get on with my own life as if he's too busy to be a part of it. Not the way I like it but seems to be what works...after all it is how I got him to come home...by ignoring his calls and acting like I just didn't care what he was doing. Strange kind of marriage if ya asked me but seems to work for him and in the end I guess it works for me to...when I get busy with my life he suddenly takes more interest in me...but how long will that work? since after all I can be drawn away from what I'm doing (unlike him) will I eventually get so wrapped up in my life that the tables turn? that I'm so involved in my own life and my own things that I can't/wont be drawn away by his interest?
I dunno.
as far as my persuing him? for the most part it only serves to push him away unless it's very very very subtle.
Just had a rough patch with the kids (D4 teasing D2 relentlessly and I freaked out after hearing D2 shriek for the millionth time today) then right after I put them to bed and went hoarse from hollering, H calls. Made the mistake of asking how my day was.
So there goes my "act cheery and funny and draw him in" for today. He is now so repelled that I doubt he calls or writes again. I don't really care, tho, everyone has bad days right. I'll just pick it up tomorrow and hope for the best. The bad thing about this type of man is that he is probably now thinking, I knew it was too good to last.
As far as pursuing him goes, yeah, I know what you mean. Very subtle. This being cheery and funny on email seems to be the ticket for me. Prior to this, I was like you--I could only get or keep his attention if I was peeved off. As soon as I was back to being happy and satisfied he felt he was 'off the hook'.
Keep lookin. There has to be something that he responds to.
You know, this is a thorny subject...but what do you think OW did for him to make him respond? Did she call him? Compliment him? What was his weakness in regards to her?
Not that you should emulate her, don't get me wrong. But there has to be a chink in the guy's armor and I know you can find it. You are a smart chickadee and relentless too.
Quote: You know, this is a thorny subject...but what do you think OW did for him to make him respond? Did she call him? Compliment him? What was his weakness in regards to her?
But it helps to know what need he had that she filled.
No worries on the "screwed it up for today" we have young children, they have their moments and so do we. How would h respond to you if you happend to call him while his boss (or an employee) were having a heated discussion with him? treat it as a bad moment. When my h does happen to call when we're in the middle of caos (or just put an end to the caos, I've got the same age kids) I often appologize..he then thinks I'm nuts for appologizing but it works. If I can't appologize at that moment I sometimes call him back if I sense a disrupt as a result of it...seems to work at putting us on the same team in that arena..letting him know it's not all crayons and bubbles here for me and his being supportive of me at least verbally.
Quote: As soon as I was back to being happy and satisfied he felt he was 'off the hook'.
UHM? YA!!! so what the hell do we do? stay misserable? that sure would make them right with the "no matter what I do it's never enough" attitude.
Quote: You know, this is a thorny subject...but what do you think OW did for him to make him respond? Did she call him? Compliment him? What was his weakness in regards to her
can o worms is right chickeeda! what she did for him is what I've always done for him...but as is the case he forgot all that I did or wasn't paying attention or giving it credit because well??? I was me.
She went to "bat" for him over an issue with some other customers...defended him and was well...nice. Nothing extraordinary or special.
LL, So do you think guys like our h's like the "chase" and that us being loving and available to them feels boring or something? I just can't figure this out but, like I said, the experiment is working so I will continue to monitor it and see if he gets tired of it.
Btw, I did manage to chill out re: the kids and I told him thank you for helping me to calm down. (usually all he does is get me more riled up) But he really did calm me down, once I opened my earballs and started listening to him, that is. So all is good. He is off running now, at my insistence. He never does ANYTHING for himself, except go to church, and he is always complaining about not exercising. However, he does not make an effort TO exercise, he waits for me to carve that space out for him. Oh well, I did it and I hope he is enjoying himself.
The OW...there had to be more than just being nice.....? I mean, what is that? Have you ever asked him, or is it too touchy a subject?
Oh and I have to tell you that the crayons and bubbles crack had me rolling. That is the truth!!!!!!!!!!! Like today when I got to play amateur plumber cause D2 stuffed an entire roll of TP down the toilet..
Most days are good though. This one wasn't but there's always tomorrow.
Quote: So do you think guys like our h's like the "chase" and that us being loving and available to them feels boring or something?
not completely but kinda. I do recall that when I met my h (mind you I was but a mere 16) I was aloof and just taking guys for what they were (my little heart had already been broken and I was pretty independant...had a hard time allowing someone to open doors for me) I think h liked that. Plus of course it is true that people want what they have to work to get. Thus the term "playing hard to get".
Quote: I just can't figure this out but, like I said, the experiment is working so I will continue to monitor it and see if he gets tired of it.
My worry is more that I will grow tired of it (or truly no longer be experimenting but just not care) than that he will.
Quote: Btw, I did manage to chill out re: the kids and I told him thank you for helping me to calm down. (usually all he does is get me more riled up) But he really did calm me down, once I opened my earballs and started listening to him, that is
Excellent!!!
Quote: He never does ANYTHING for himself,
oh dear, our h's are more similar than I thought. about the only thing my h does for himself is during football season. He's a season ticket holder. Other than that ...it's work, sleep, work in the yard, sleep, watch some sports on tv, sleep.
Quote: The OW...there had to be more than just being nice.....? I mean, what is that? Have you ever asked him, or is it too touchy a subject?
Of course I asked him and what I got was...
she was nice she went to bat for him (regarding the other customers on a billing issue) oh and of course the kicker...she got sick (supposed terminal cancer with a 7-15 year talked to several cancer specialist and they had never heard of giving someone such a time line) and that interested him because he had never "known" anyone who was ill like that (mind you shortly before I discoverd the a (wich btw is still claimed to be only and ea) his own cousin passed away at (40) of cancer. Infact it was his driving her to one of her cancer treatments that outed the a. They were seen in the elevator by one of my family friends who was there on her anual remission check up.
Let's see...
she used to hang out with bil and his friends (who worked for h and therefore her) she used to invite them all to her christmas parties (I was never taken, not even when I was the wife and expressed how insulting it was to me to not be brought) she used to bake cookies for bil at christmas. she used to make the "guys" lunch when they worked there. I once overheard a message on the business line her requesting some work and letting the "guys" know they could take a swim in her pool. there house was brand new when h started the work there so he built it up for them from dirt...created a play area, vb court, preped an area for their pool etc. she made a poster with before and after pics that said "(h's name) get's it done) gag!! (I found that at the shop tucked behind some crap when I went there on a tirade after he finally came home and ended it.) she was childish, signed the few letters I found 1436, wich I believe means I love you forever but I'm not in highschool any more so don't really know. she was I believe petite where I am a sexy 5'8 she's a bleach blond where I am NOT as quoted (second hand) by bil she's not pretty she's just sweet. so anything else? basically she was someone who adored him, thought he was just great and was a cheerleader. You know that woman who knows no boundaries...for christ sake she was married and having one of the landscapers over to dinner every week (bil) add in the fact that she lived 5 minutes from his shop and working area so it was easy.
not much of a list and not much that I myself didn't do (and then some) for him so I don't know what to make of it. I still say it should have been me to have the a (if anyone ever SHOULD) but I didn't have the luxury of landscapers working in my yard to swoon and I know what boundaries are..you make them lunch and walk away, you don't sit down and tell them you have cancer and boo hoo them. But that's me...I'm not the ignorant little twit that almost help to ruin my childrens lives (oi' am I still bitter? no really I feel bad for her...she's got a lot of growing up to do and aparently not much time. that wasn't nice either...where's the devil icon when you need one?
Quote: Like today when I got to play amateur plumber cause D2 stuffed an entire roll of TP down the toilet..
a roll of toilet paper? that's nothing...ever tried getting one of those new fancy tootpaiste dispensers out of the toilet once it's been lodged down there. Good thing I know how to handle the plyers.
I love the traveling email that describes a house in shambles with the kids running amuck..the h ariving home to find his w laying in bed and asking her what went on there that day...her response...you know how you ask me everyday what I did all day? well today I didn't do it. or better yet the hat I just say at the mall...having children is like being pecked to death by a duck.
Quote: Hope you had a good night!
had to run to the mall to pick up my credit card left it behind when purchasing daddy day gifts. Of course I had to put dd to bed before I could go .
LL and Honeypot- I think we are living the same life. It's amazing to read your stories. They sound so remarkably like mine. Hard working H, can't find time for me and the kids, but somewhere last summer found enough time for OW.
The c I went to thinks he has some sort of White Knight syndrome. Needs to rescue damsels in distress. He sees me as capable dealing with house, bills, kids, schedules, meals, etc and OW needed a big strong shoulder to cry on. I was away taking care of my very ill mother, who has since passed away, and he was alone and lonely.
Tonight I felt like throwing in the towel and giving up. I asked myself if I can make it one more day? Yes. Two days? a week? Two weeks from now I'm going to to visit my dad. Then a week with HIS folks. Then back to my dad's. Can I make it till then? yes. So 3 weeks alone with the kids (7,5,2) traveling, used to sound like He--, butn now, it sounds like just the opposite. Tonight I think I saw him mouth the words ILY, but I was a little peeved by something he said and it's been so long, I'm not sure I got it right.
gotta go
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
So maybe he is having trouble seeing you as someone who NEEDS him...?
That is, you are competent, you handle whatever comes your way, you are not sick or petite (I'm not either..Down with petite sweet people!! j/k) or sweet. So maybe he feels useless or something. Maybe he has a need to have a woman looking at him like her hero.
Not that you have to put on a big false act, but are there ways that you can foster that attitude without totally violating your own integrity?
Oh and I didn't mean to say that you aren't sweet...just not in the same way that she sounds. I can perfectly picture the type of person that she is and it doesn't sound like the LL that I know! For the record, I am not one bit that way either and here is the funny thing....I truly believe that is what H was attracted to, in the beginning. That I was so independent and headstrong, etc. It's funny how the very thing that attracts you to your spouse becomes the thing that you despise 10 yrs down the road.
Anyhoo, have you ever done any experiments with the sweet stuff and what were the results? I know I am jumping in with suggestions late..you have probably already tried everything under the sun (I know I have) but there's gotta be a way and I am here to help you find it, my sister.
And YES I heard you screamin "good LUCK" all the way here in the midwest.
And yeah I knew the TP wasn't that big of a disaster. Actually I prefer it to the tooth brushing she was doing out of the toilet a few weeks ago. Oh and did I mention that her sister had forgotten to flush beforehand. Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I feel like throwing in the towel every other day but then I think of the kids and the "family" and know that I wont bother...but it does scare me that I may some day be a waw. Maybe I would have anyway but h's a and leaving then comming back seems to make me think more that way than I did before...only difference is I don't complain as much.
Nice to hear you got an ily even if you only think you did.
left it behind when purchasing daddy day gifts. Of course I had to put dd to bed before I could go 
but then I think of the kids and the "family" and know that I wont bother...but it does scare me that I may some day be a waw. Maybe I would have anyway but h's a and leaving then comming back seems to make me think more that way than I did before...only difference is I don't complain as much.