Saving Pack through D, Pack_19 part V

[Pack_19]

hi all!

First I want to wish you all a happy new year! I hope holidays were great with your loved ones. I have seen this section full of new names and that saddens me deeply. Yes you learn and develop incredibly with the support of the board but no one should go through the sleepless nights, tears, burning frustration and jealousy on your chest and all other feelings that come with D. I will try to help newcomers now that I feel I have gained perspective over my sitch.

I have been away mostly due to the new job. I lead now a small team and many things need to change in the organization, I have the feeling I need to prove myself so I am working long hours and using the rest to enjoy time with my children and keeping up my exercise routine. But I miss the support and help this board always brings me so here I am! Ready to share and get support.

As I did the previous year, Christmas holidays have all been about the children. I focused on decorating the house, finding terrific presents for them (I can proudly say I did ), watching new series or playing new games with them, showing them how much I love them and how they are number 1 in my life. I am focused on Pack, my PIES and working on accepting that my M is worst than over and I am alone in my new life. I work hard, I exercise a lot, I see my friends and share terrific moments, I try to be the best father I can be, I listen actively as much as I can, I read a lot (recently finished Models and Boundaries in Marriage), I am working on getting to know me better... but I do all of this with a grief/sad feeling that I lost all I had built my life on and was never given a chance to make it work for good with all the new lessons I have now. What I mean is that I still struggle with the idea that I need to reset my life and that it is the only way ahead. I use the time that has passed, the things W has done and the new love and respect I feel for Pack to reinforce the idea that a life without W and M and a new horizon for Pack is the only way ahead.

There are things that hurt me to levels I cannot understand. For example, the other day S8 and S3 were at school for the representation of a living nativity (Belen). S8 was dressed as a shepherd and S3 was a little angel. I paused work to go see the during the only hour we could as parents, while queuing to get in I saw W arrive. We exchanged not a word, and she was literally 2 spaces behind me in the row. I walked in and went straight to see S8. I made some jokes, took pictures, hugged him, asked him about the setup and I told him mom was there. She arrived so I went to see S3 and same story. She took some pictures I asked her to share and she never did and left earlier. I managed to remain focused on my children but my brain was shouting "who is this woman? do you really have kids with her?" These situations feel so weird for me and they hurt so much I cannot understand it. Maybe you can help me with your experience. Any comments and suggestions on how to handle these new situations will help me.

I took some time this morning to re-read my last 3 threads and I can say you learn to understand messages or receive them in a different light when time has passed. I also see some of my earlier messages and think I was a mess and you all had to put up with some needy, desperate and almost irrational messages and reactions from my side. thanks for having been there for me. I specially love reading the early messages from Sandi, LH or Ben. Messages I wasnt prepared to receive and know I can properly store in my head and heart.

The other day I met a woman I really like in crossfit. I talked briefly to her and some days latter added her to IG. When I tried to message her there she blocked me, which left me shocked and brought back all the ghosts of Pack having issues with pressure and pursuit. The next session I approached her and told her I had added her to speak after we met in the box and that I was sorry if it had been intrusive. She said she wasnt sure who that was and she was sorry. I told her just chatting in person would have been a much better idea and said goodbye. Since then I have been doing my thing and thinking well she clearly wasnt the one and I can feel her paying attention to me when we coincide in the same sessions in the box. Why am I telling this story? In the same way that I monitored my active listening like a maniac, I now monitor my pressure, pursuit and the level of interest in a woman like a worse maniac. I am never going back to the ugly rock bottom I hit with W.

I love the new Pack, I love how crossfit is changing my body, how running allows me to be part of sport competitions, how I prioritize having a nice bike and car now that I can afford it, how I have improved my communication skills and I am not scared to express my feelings or ask questions, how I am learning my weaknesses, using my hard work to achieve personal goals in life, how he parents S3 and S8 in a way that they know daddy is loving and caring but also the strongest authority for them, how I have found new value in conversations with strangers, how I understand women better, how I refine and admire my values and principles, how much I talk when I am happy and how I need to go alone for a run when I am troubled, how I can go out for dinner alone or join a group of new friends if they invite me, how I stopped being a nice guy and how I can enforce boundaries with the people that hurt me or do things I do not want to have in my life, how I wake up every day with a desire to improve and grow as a man, how I have developed a sixth sense to read who truly loves me and cares about me and how I am learning to be happy and complete ALONE.

I am working on making Pack's worth come from my perception and development as a man, and not from all the accusations from my W. But I still go to sleep many nights thinking about Munich and my life there and wondering if the last words I will get from W are "I made a firm decision and I have said to you all I had to say about our M". There are so many things that will stay unsaid, I wanted to fix things and talk these but I guess I was late. Now I simply dont want to be vulnerable in front of the woman she is, I want to be solid rock, unmovable, unbreakable, unshakeable.

Thank you all for your support and help!

((hugs))
Pack