Ok so I do believe long long ago when I first came to this bb one of the heading said something like "for people who are tired of complaining about their r's and want to do something to make it better"
well I was tired of complaining and wanted to make things better but find myself still often complaining. ugh!
While my h was a wasband I stopped complaining because...well...what could I complain about...he wasn't my h at the time, didn't live here so there were no complaints...well other than the fact that he wasn't my h at the time.
Upon his initial "wake up" and return...I still had little to complain about...I mean after all if he was calling me "just to call me" or comming over "just to see me" that was fantastic.
I'm not saying that I don't still appreciate when he calls just to say hi to me but admit that I do feel dissapointed when he doesn't. Same applies to his spending time with me (though that doesn't seem to happen in the same manner it did upon his arival home)
what I've noticed is that each time I close up and draw away from him him seems to seek me out, start to complain more about his being busy and stressed, appologizes for being tired...even made the comment "there must be something wrong with me I just want to go to sleep at the end of the day"
So is LL once again saying the sky is not falling? no I'm just saying that I realize that the only way to keep h engaged is to disengage myself and that just feels unnatural to me. I don't understand a r where one party must put up a wall to have the other take notice. I don't want to have these constant feelings that I must retreat from h...I want to love him and express that love not pretend to be aloof so he'll notice me...I want to be noticed when I'm being me.
I obviosly have a lot more in this head of mine that I'd like to say but for now I'll just say that though there's a chance of showers the sun seems to be shining a bit in LL land.
