LL, When you ask H for what you want, how do you do it?
Here is what I used to do (and still do sometimes). I would tell H what I needed from him in our R and then sit back and wait for him to do it. After all, I had been clear when we were talkin and he is a grown man with a brain, so what is the holdup?
Now, here is what I do differently. I talk to him and state my needs. Then I remind him a few days later, in a loving and sometimes joking way. If he doesn't do it, I will TELL him "Hey put down the dishes and come in here and sit with me." If that doesn't work, then yeah I do get pissy with him.
I think that we had gotten into a pattern where he was always waiting for the ax to fall and I was always waiting for him to screw up. Even when we BOTH had the best of intentions to keep a PMA, we secretly sat back and waited for the other to "do their thing". (which for him would be keeping busy with everything BUT me, and for me would be sitting back and waiting for him to screw up so I would have an outlet for the frustrations that had built over the course of the day)
Like I said, we still do this a LOT. But it is getting better now that I have taken a more active role. Yes it sucks having to tell him what to do (put down the dishes) but since he is a conflict avoider, and I am the biggest source of potential conflict in his life, it is far too easy for him to avoid me. Not because he doesn't enjoy me, but because he has come to fear being around me because he knows that he has probably screwed up somewhere. So I nip it in the bud and tell him what to do. He seems relieved to have a "map" to follow in which he knows that his actions will be pleasing to me. I still find it hard to believe that after all these years of me telling him to leave the dishes--that I will do them--that he STILL does them and thinks that I will find it loving!
The only area in which this doesn't work is sex but that is because I refuse to do it in this area. I am stubbornly holding out for his desire and I'm sure you know how that goes! Sporadic doesn't even cut it...
Regarding the date nights, is there any way that you could make it a team effort? Such as, H you arrange the night and I will arrange the childcare. The date is this Saturday night, starting at 5:30.
Regarding his need for WOA, how does he respond when he gets them? Does it make him feel happier and more loved? If so, then you might have to suck it up and just do it. This is a hard one for me to remember and THANKFULLY my husband has email at his work so that I can send him "thanks for working so hard for us" emails, otherwise it just would not occur to me to say these things!
Well these were my thoughts this morn. Kids have adopted a new wakeup time...6 a.m. So my thoughts do not have the clarity that they normally do, LOL.
