Quote: However it appeared that h did learn that his habbits were bad and was trying to change them but poof! he seems to have forgotten what he learned.
Unfortunately, habits die hard.
He tries to develop new habits, and poof! Stress kicks in (my pet theory), or fatigue, or he starts to relax a little. There are a myriad of reasons why a person reverts to old habits. One just has to read about all of the "backslides" on these boards to see that it's a lot of hard work to change old habits.
It's not so much that your H has a lack of motivation. I think it's more a matter of not getting instant feedback/results. If a person can't see the long term gratification that a lot of hard work will produce, they'll put in the minimum or sporadic effort and hope for long term effect.
I'm not quite sure of what exactly a "conflict avoider" is, but I suspect that I'm one. I think it's what attracted me to DB. W thought I always got my way. I thought our decisions were joint decisions. I thought that if something was important to me, I'd "prevail" and I quickly relented on things that were important to her. To me, this was mutual respect. Apparently, things were quite different in W's world, and perhaps my avoidance of conflict made it look like I never conceded to her.
Quote: He seems very much to be an island...but if someone chooses to be an island or is happy that way why would they take on an extramarital relationship?
Because an extramarital relationship is no relationship at all. At least he figured that one out.
I wonder, LL... If your characterization of your H as a conflict avoider is correct, is there a way of working with that? Seems to me that the DB thing to do is to avoid conflict yourself. It also seems to me that this is what you've been doing. It looks like doing this has got you part way there, but you still want more.
The only thing I can think of is to lay on the love and support... Lay a blanket of empathy over him...
I'm not sure that'll get you over the "instant gratification" hump. Have you considered counceling for yourself? Maybe a professional could teach you how to deal with a conflict avoider. I doubt forcing conflict on him would work, but perhaps a C could give you some fresh ideas.
The people on the BB are great, and I still believe in DB, but after awhile, all of the DB techniques seem to become more of the same.
