Quote: Ha he always had this take it or leave it attitude? for as long as I can remember it's been "if you don't like it why don't you find someone else" etc. When you say he rejects you; do you mean if you initiate ML or any type of affection? for the most part yes but he also rejects most proposals for making time to spend together as well using work as an exuse always saying...the next few weeks are just going to be busy on to have that next few weeks turn into the next few months, season etc.
If the M was already dead what bought him back home? a house, kids and a woman who had always been willing to do anything for him. Why did you want im back? suppose the thought of being a divorce woman under 30 with two young kids just didn't seem all that peachy an idea to me. Plus I really hate what divorce does to kids. My own parents divorced just as I married and I still hate it. There was also the glimmer of hope that things could be better, that h might see some light and realize that an actual effort (other than to pay the bills) has to be put toward a r to keep it alive.
he went to individual councelling a bit during seperation (to figure out why he still wanted to take care of me) but I don't believe he was ever fully honest with the therapist (I spoke to her annonomously once and when I then let her know who I was she sounded pretty shocked and then HAD to tell h I spoke to her...I imagine he was witholding info...ow, that we weren't in any c together etc.)
He stopped going as soon as he decided he might come home...refused to go to c with me until I myself after a while of not seeing any improvements in the r called a d lawyer and scheduled an appointment. He was then willing to go but it was a waiste of time as we did nothing there but fight and it was not productive.
At this point I doubt he'd be willing to go back and I don't even want to so...
I continue to just feel a generel blahness in regard to my m.
I don't know exactly why and I don't know if I even mind much anymore...well I probably do since I'm bothering to write about it here.
I just don't feel much progress or growth or connection.
I feel much like I did pre bomb...maybe at times a little better and maybe at times a little worse.
I suppose part of the problem may be that though ow apears to be gone the main "issues" in the m have yet to be resolved and don't seem to be resolvable.
h still works too much and probably always will.
h still doesn't make time for us and probably never will.
I know there are differing ways I can look at the "issues" to put a possitive spin on them and thus possibly set about some change but I'm tired...I'm just tired of trying to spin..I've been trying to make this r work since long before any bombs were ever dropped and though some changes are occassionaly produced they never seem to be lasting...just satiating.
Maybe we just need to get together and have a long b!tch session. Boy do I know how you feel.....
JoJo
Hey JoJo what do you say..we all wanna know what you learned today..(all the other moms of little ones will know what the hell that's supposed to mean..)
ok really now JoJo,
Though it is always nice to know that you aren't alone in how alone you feel...it's only productive quality is to make you feel less and less like it's all your fault, that somethings wrong with you etc...but it does very little to better the situation. So though I much appreciate the offer for a b!tch session, I must decline.
I need solutions, answers, attainable goals, direction etc.
I have to say the luming question of was h's ea at any time a pa or not is still eating at me. Ya, ya I know "get over it" but how am I supposed to get over it if h is lying? if he's not lying how am I to get over the feelings I have that he is lying.
since I've stopped complaining to h about how his work takes up all his time and energy...h does nothing but complain about work. If it's not an employee or a peice of equiptment or a customer it's the weather...He just doesn't seem to be enjoying his business wich is pretty sad considering it is the biggest part of his life and takes him away from his family and friends.
I've always told you to go with your gut on the EA/PA issue. Their mouth may lie, but their actions won't. I know that you want some ideas, solutions, answers, but I just don't have it in me right now.
I have several questions which may sound strange. You have said that he has cut off contact with the OW who still wants to be a client. Is she a client again? If she is brought up in conversation does he defend her or acknowledge it was a mistake? If he did have a PA with her and admitted it, could you forgive him deep in your heart and move forward or would you leave? This also assumes that he becomes a husband and not just the paycheck of the family....
HFrom what I hear form you, everything is HIS, kids, house, money, possessions. Where do you fit in his view of life? He does not give you the time and tenderness that a wife should have, so what does he consider you? A servant? I wonder sometimes when I read your posts..
Sorry my dear for dredging all this up, and I know that you have explored this ad nausum, but sometimes you have a different perspective than you did awhile ago.
((LL))
Johanna
Besides, I think that we could have one he!! of a bitch session together.... might be cathartic and theraputic for both of us.
I try not to complain about work, but at the same time, I want my W to know that work is no bed of roses.
She feels that I've neglected her - much the same way you feel neglected. I've tried very hard to do a 180 on that, and in the process, I've discovered that she was partially right. I could have done more. Obviously - since I'm doing more for her now.
I'm speaking of doing more around the house, since my W no longer wants to do anything with me. I used to be somewhat of a couch potato. Work Work work... Go home... flop on the couch...
Sounds like the profile of a workaholic, doesn't it?
Well, I still have to Work Work work... Go home... But now, instead of flop on the couch, I do dishes... clean up after the kids... and flop into bed.
I'm not trying to blow my own horn, LL. My point is that I used to think that I didn't have the energy to do more to help. I was wrong.
I would still be underestimating my capacities if my W hadn't blown me off.
I’m not recommending you do the same, LL. On the contrary, I think your H’s complaints are probably a plea for sympathy. You say you’ve stopped complaining about how his work takes up all his time and energy, so now he’s starting to feel a little more empathy from you.
There comes a time when a guy does stop enjoying his work. There comes a time when he realizes how much it takes him away from family and friends. But this realization doesn’t take away his responsibility to his work, and the conflict between these two things is difficult to deal with.
The worst way to try to deal with this conflict is to complain to someone who will turn it back on you and tell you that it’s your fault, and that it’s affecting your family and friends.
A better way to deal with it is to vent your frustration to someone who cares about you, and empathizes with how it affects you. Maybe even someone who feels the same pressures – as a couple. Not as two individuals. Maybe someone who’s on your side.
D’ya think something might have changed to make him feel this way?
Quote: I've always told you to go with your gut on the EA/PA issue. Their mouth may lie, but their actions won't. even my gut is in conflict on this one. I know that you want some ideas, solutions, answers, but I just don't have it in me right now. that's ok, they're really not supposed to come from anyone but myself anyway.
I have several questions which may sound strange. nothing sounds strange to me You have said that he has cut off contact with the OW who still wants to be a client. she remained a client through the first year he was home Is she a client again? as far as I know, NO If she is brought up in conversation does he defend her or acknowledge it was a mistake? he defends HER but doesn't always defend HIS mistake..she was of course the innocent party in it all If he did have a PA with her and admitted it, could you forgive him deep in your heart and move forward or would you leave? that would depend very much on how and when I found out..in other words the sooner he fesses up the better. This also assumes that he becomes a husband and not just the paycheck of the family.... of course that's a whole other issue
HFrom what I hear form you, everything is HIS, kids, house, money, possessions. when he's angry yes that is the way it's presented by him Where do you fit in his view of life? I still have yet to figure that out..other than perhaps the one who get's all the rest of the stuff done or who he has all the stuff for He does not give you the time and tenderness that a wife should have, so what does he consider you? a mother? A servant? that's how I feel a lot of the time. I wonder sometimes when I read your posts.. oh, I wonder too!
Sorry my dear for dredging all this up, and I know that you have explored this ad nausum, but sometimes you have a different perspective than you did awhile ago. I'm kinda like the weather in New England...just give me a few minutes and I might change my mind about something
((LL))
Johanna
I know my answers don't lend to much but they are what I feel right now, thanks for the visit...it's nice to know there's someone there looking out for me.
Besides, I think that we could have one he!! of a bitch session together.... might be cathartic and theraputic for both of us. Oh I'm sure it would be!!!
as usual,
