Another year in life of

[Ginger1]

So what does a connection with depth look like to you?

I’ll counter with this : what makes someone special ?

[LH19]

I asked you first.

[Ginger1]

Oh Jesus. Someone who really tried to learn you and listen to you, and understand you and vice versa. Feeling safe in eachother a presence where you can feel
Unapologetically yourself and build a connection to a point where you feel safe even being crappy you. Able to discuss abs connect on certain issues. Able to disagree but feel safe disagreeing. Making space for eachother in eachother a lives gradually.

And of course this is all gradual as time goes on. But if you stay in the same spot for months where you are just someone who fits into their spare time. You just make out and have sex and have dinner together without getting to know that other person on a deeper level, someone who is emotionally avoidant and can’t be vulnerable or I don’t feel safe being vulnerable with, that’s what doesn’t work for me.

Granted I haven’t gotten past seeing anyone for 3 months since M. But I can tell you most guys I have met have pretty much made me feel disposable and really have had no interest in who I really am as a person, mother, nurse. And while i guess In the beginning we are all disposable, no one should make you feel that way.

Ok, your turn LH

[LH19]

Oh Jesus.

Not sure he can help in this matter.

Someone who really tried to learn you and listen to you, and understand you and vice versa. Feeling safe in each other a presence where you can feel.

See I feel you can figure out quick if a person will fill this bill.

Unapologetically yourself and build a connection to a point where you feel safe even being crappy you. Able to discuss abs connect on certain issues. Able to disagree but feel safe disagreeing. Making space for each other in each other a lives gradually.

How long do you think this takes?

And of course this is all gradual as time goes on. But if you stay in the same spot for months where you are just someone who fits into their spare time. You just make out and have sex and have dinner together without getting to know that other person on a deeper level, someone who is emotionally avoidant and can’t be vulnerable or I don’t feel safe being vulnerable with, that’s what doesn’t work for me.

As it shouldn't.

Granted I haven’t gotten past seeing anyone for 3 months since M. But I can tell you most guys I have met have pretty much made me feel disposable and really have had no interest in who I really am as a person, mother, nurse. And while i guess In the beginning we are all disposable, no one should make you feel that way.

I agree 100%. I can tell you that if a guy is interested he will make time to see you.

Ok, your turn LH

So a special woman to me has my back no matter what as I have hers. She is HAPPY and healthy as am I. She makes me want to be a better person and grow and I do the same to her. She takes interest in my interests as I in hers. She remembers the little things as do I. She's not needy and has her own life, friends and interests as am I. She's SECURE in herself as am I. She's responsible but can get CRAZY at times as am I. She's insanely tan as am I lol. Just kidding. I know it's a lot and probably why the search continues but I am ok alone.

[Ginger1]

Well, that’s what I am saying. I haven’t met anyone special. People want to HHH as long as it stays superficial. The second someone has to give an actual effort ( and by effort, I don’t mean it is hard, it’s just showing that you are looking forward to seeing the person, planning and coordinating, etc)

I am also fine alone until I find someone special. Haven’t in years. And I just don’t have it in me right now to deal with the bad to get to the good

[LH19]

Yeah you can only HHH for so long. Relationships are about value. The rare traits are like precious gems. Hard to find.

[Cadet]

So what does a connection with depth look like to you?

I’ll counter with this : what makes someone special ?

Ginger1 is special!

[Dawn70]

Yeah you can only HHH for so long. Relationships are about value. The rare traits are like precious gems. Hard to find.

Not sure why I always feel the need to defend myself, but I have a question and it is a serious question...I'm not trying to be a smart a$$ or argumentative in any way. I'm confused and it may very well be that I'm misreading or misinterpreting what I read, but I could've sworn, LH, that on a recent post to either G or CW that you basically said that HHH was something that went on prior to a relationship but also within a relationship and now you are saying HHH can only last for so long. Those of us who have been around awhile have thrown this HHH thing around and I was never a big advocate of it or the coach that you and some others were so fond of, so that is why I'm saying I promise I'm not being a smart aleck, but am just genuinely confused about which it is....HHH can be ongoing or it can't?

MY understanding of that whole HHH concept was a very casual "fling" (for lack of a better word) and it could be an on-going thing. Not really a relationship, per se, but just a casual partnership with no strings. Likely to last for more than one meet-up, since that is just a one-night stand, but not really leading anywhere serious. Now, I said when we first discussed this and I will say now, that kind of thing never worked for me personally. If it does work for folks, more power to them. Just not my speed and that is ok. I do think, though, as a person in a committed marriage that there are times when my husband and I do just have a very casual ease to our relationship that could be akin to HHH, but we are committed so technically it is more than HHH.

I totally get why G is looking for a deeper connection. Maybe there does come a point in time where HHH just doesn't work and someone wants/needs more.

[LH19]

Dawn I am here to help. I think Butterfly also has a hard time understanding the HHH concept.

MY understanding of that whole HHH concept was a very casual "fling" (for lack of a better word) and it could be an on-going thing.

This is correct it could be all of the above.

Not really a relationship, per se, but just a casual partnership with no strings.

So you can HHH in a no strings casual partnership or you can HHH in the beginning of a monogamous relationship. You can even HHH in a marriage.

Likely to last for more than one meet-up, since that is just a one-night stand, but not really leading anywhere serious.

So I personally HHH on the way to a serious relationship. At some point it becomes monogamous.

Now, I said when we first discussed this and I will say now, that kind of thing never worked for me personally.

So you don't like to hang out, have fun and hook up with Sparky?

If it does work for folks, more power to them. Just not my speed and that is ok.

That is ok. It worked like a charm in two of the the three post D relationships I had and was working in the other until the ex boyfriend came back.

I do think, though, as a person in a committed marriage that there are times when my husband and I do just have a very casual ease to our relationship that could be akin to HHH, but we are committed so technically it is more than HHH.

Nah. You're HHHing and loving every minute of it.

I totally get why G is looking for a deeper connection. Maybe there does come a point in time where HHH just doesn't work and someone wants/needs more.

There does and that is the point that G hates about it. The true premise of HHHing is that a man typically screws up and wants to lock a woman down too early. So he keeps setting dates and takes the woman out axe throwing, to see bands, dinner, festivals etc. and they hangout, have fun, and hook up. Always keeping it fun, light, positive, engaging etc. Making her feel safe at her pace. Women take longer then men to fall in love. Eventually a woman will say "where do you see this going?". She is giving you the greenlight to take it to the next level. More intimacy, a deeper connection etc.

In my last relationship I wasn't ready for the next level because I was unsure so it ended. We could have kept HHHing but she said no. I had to live with that because it was the right thing to do.

Hope this helps.

[Dawn70]

I don't have a hard time understanding it. It just a semantics thing or maybe a mindset I guess. Of course I enjoy HHH with my husband, but I guess I just don't think of it that way (that is where the mindset part comes in...LOL). When I was single, I was not so much into it because I was more of a dating with a purpose kind of person. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.