WOS, I suspect you replies once or more already. The initial moderation can be frustrating. I suspect you'll be off, soon! Hang in there. Looking forward to seeing what you wrote.
WOS, I suspect you replies once or more already. The initial moderation can be frustrating. I suspect you'll be off, soon! Hang in there. Looking forward to seeing what you wrote.
I met with the lawyer for a two hour consultation, so I've learned a lot. Though it's good to be informed, it did become clear to me that divorce is "not an easy way out" and nobody really benefits from it. I needed a few hours to process everything and did not sleep well.
How do you feel now about the lawyer consultation after taking time to process? Do you now understand where you stand in terms of custody, assets, child and spousal support?
Originally Posted by WOS
Nevertheless, I would not be surprised if there is one. At least it would explain some of what is happening. I have tried to find evidence of an affair but haven't found anything so far.
Would an affair be a deal breaker for you? Others would agree there is at least an EA if not PA in the vast majority of situations here...even those in which the poster initially swears up and down it's not possible. That you wouldn't be surprised is interesting. Why is that?
Last edited by BL42; 01/05/2208:52 PM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Ovrrnbw, you're right. I keep trying to understand what he is thinking, but I don't know what is true and what isn't anymore. Can that trust ever come back?
Yes but you are a long ways off from that so, IMHO, don't even worry about it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Sorry, I'm not sure how to appropriately quote, so I hope this is not too confusing.
I'm not sure how I feel about the meeting with the lawyer. It was so sad to think about all of the consequences of divorce. A lot would also depend on different factors still. My h and I have never talked about it so I have no idea what he wants (custody for instance).
I wouldn't be suprised if there is an affair because it seemed to be the case for a lot of forum members. It would also explain why he's been so checked out lately. Also, he has lied to me several times already. At this point I don't really know what he wants, or what he is up to. I don't know if it would be a deal breaker for me, it might tbh because I don't think I can handle any more new big lies. On the other hand, I keep moving my boundaries continiously, so who knows. The latter is mainly because of my son.
WOS, It is so hard to believe that someone we love can lie to us over and over. Sometimes we find ourselves in denial or so hopeful that we are stuck in our relationship. Stagnant in our life - sabotaging our own happiness.
One of the best pieces of advice I was given was this. "When someone shows you their cards... believe them". I'm encouraging you to do so. He will most likely continue to lie so you need to protect yourself.. financially, emotionally. Dig deep WOS - take off your rose-colored glasses. See your spouse for who he is, and has been, and unless something drastically changes - who he will be.
You deserve respect. You deserve not just the apologies but the sincere intent to repair what was broken. These are not huge requests but the basic human needs for love and intimacy.
I know you said you move your boundaries for your son... but what are you teaching him by doing so? What is the point of showing grace and forgiveness... if we don't also show children accountability and the natural consequences of our actions.
You will get alot of support here. Our priority is your well being. So lets start by talking about what GAL activities you call do and what does taking care of you look like?
((WOS))
Last edited by Valeska19; 01/07/2203:10 AM.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
It is so hard to believe that someone we love can lie to us over and over. Sometimes we find ourselves in denial or so hopeful that we are stuck in our relationship. Stagnant in our life - sabotaging our own happiness.
The first step in the grief process is denial. It is best to move through this one as quick as possible. Although it will be done at your own pace.
Originally Posted by Valeska19
One of the best pieces of advice I was given was this. "When someone shows you their cards... believe them". I'm encouraging you to do so. He will most likely continue to lie so you need to protect yourself.. financially, emotionally. Dig deep WOS - take off your rose-colored glasses. See your spouse for who he is, and has been, and unless something drastically changes - who he will be.
Yep. The best thing a LBS can do is accept this is the person they are now and probably will be for a really long time.
Originally Posted by Valeska19
You deserve respect. You deserve not just the apologies but the sincere intent to repair what was broken. These are not huge requests but the basic human needs for love and intimacy.
This a great stuff. You absolutely can not have a LASTING reconciliation until this happens.
Originally Posted by Valeska19
I know you said you move your boundaries for your son... but what are you teaching him by doing so? What is the point of showing grace and forgiveness... if we don't also show children accountability and the natural consequences of our actions.
Again she nailed it! Forgiveness may come later. Your son will always respect the fact that you stood up for yourself. He may not understand now but he will in the future.
Originally Posted by Valeska19
You will get alot of support here. Our priority is your well being. So lets start by talking about what GAL activities you call do and what does taking care of you look like?
WOS, It is so hard to believe that someone we love can lie to us over and over. Sometimes we find ourselves in denial or so hopeful that we are stuck in our relationship. Stagnant in our life - sabotaging our own happiness.
One of the best pieces of advice I was given was this. "When someone shows you their cards... believe them". I'm encouraging you to do so. He will most likely continue to lie so you need to protect yourself.. financially, emotionally. Dig deep WOS - take off your rose-colored glasses. See your spouse for who he is, and has been, and unless something drastically changes - who he will be.
You deserve respect. You deserve not just the apologies but the sincere intent to repair what was broken. These are not huge requests but the basic human needs for love and intimacy.
I know you said you move your boundaries for your son... but what are you teaching him by doing so? What is the point of showing grace and forgiveness... if we don't also show children accountability and the natural consequences of our actions.
You will get alot of support here. Our priority is your well being. So lets start by talking about what GAL activities you call do and what does taking care of you look like?
((WOS))
This is such a kind post, I apologize for the late reply. My son has really not been doing well and my marriage was not a priority for me. I'd rather have a different type of distraction though :-(.
With regards to GAL, I really enjoy my work. I'm lucky that I work in a field that I love. I also went to a show by myself last week and enjoyed that! Then, I'm in IC and attend weekly meditation and parent support groups. And there's coffee and walks, I like both.
Speaking of IC, my IC recommended that I be vulnerable with my h and attempt to get our communication going again. When talking to my h, I couldn't do it, didn't feel right. I have noticed slightly more effort from h.
Reflecting on your post Valeska19, I feel like I escaped relationship stagnation because my h and I have already been apart for so long (due to the distance). It's like this is a wake up call because his work assignment changed everything. Now we both get to chose if, when, and how to proceed.
Though I have heard an apology, I have not heard a sincere intent to repair. Initially, I wondered why you all cautioned me that this process would be long (especially since I saw some signs of improvement). Valeska19, your post made me realize that we are far removed from a sincere intent to change things for the better, so I think I now understand what you all mean. Hopefully, I can be content with baby steps for the time being. I have changed my own approach and communication (which, tbh, wasn't pretty either) and my h seems to appreciate this.
