I just cannot imagine you as a Stepford wife on anti- depressants or other drugs. You are disillusioned with what you thought you were trying to regain with the H after he came back. He fell right back into the old patterns and you kept learning and trying to make the situation better.
Workaholics are tough to be married to as most of their emtional energy goes to the job. The spouse is often shorted emotional involvement because it's all been used by everyone else. You and the kids need and deserve it too.
It hurts when you are always last. I think about all the joy, love and vitality that you have and I wonder if your H appreciates you in any other capacity other than housekeeper and caretaker. It almost seems like he wants you to take care of all the household things, raise the kids, etc, and he is content to contribute a paycheck and that's it. Selfish of him to say that everything is his. You both worked for it but I guess he cannot see that in his mind.
Quote: Workaholics are tough to be married to as most of their emtional energy goes to the job. The spouse is often shorted emotional involvement because it's all been used by everyone else. You and the kids need and deserve it too.
what I find completely ironic is the fact that ow's exuse for having the a with my h was that her h was "emotionally unavailble"...did my h not learn what a financially well provided for lonely woman is capable of? no, no he'll hear none of that.
and of course there is the fact that I was doing my best to accept h's desire to fill the role of provider..I accepted that as his way, accepted (though admittedly not always happily) that as his way of showing his love for us...but in the end he did have some time and energy to give to an emotional (and maybe physical who will ever know the truth) relationship with someone else...it just wasn't and seems to continue to not be me.
That is the part that hurts the most...you see when I first discovered the ow I wanted out...after all I wasn't happy to begin with so why should I accept that...but then h started to come alive...he was more attentive..more active with the kids...we started to date regularly and heck even have sex with some regularity too..but there were feelings I was having that I coulnd't just shove asside..I was angry about the ow (and suspected she wasn't gone since after all he refused to end the "friendship" with her) and resentful that all of a sudden my h was being the h I always knew he could be..it scared me, it confused me but I did enjoy it..then he left....his return once again showed me what he was capable of giving to a r...but of course it ended.
I'm tired of trying to figure it out.
I can't be anyone I'm not. I can't be a foolish simple little chearleader happy to cheer for the player who just plays his game and barely gives recognition to the backflips she does in his honor. I always hated the cheerleader types anyway..not out of jelousy cause I was always much more than they could dream to be anyway..but because of their ignorant simplistic way of life. (no offense to any cheerleaders here...I do admire the athletic ability..I'm talking about the steroetypical cheerleader here) thing is ow was/is that type...heck she even made posters of the work he did at her house...come to think of it...he'd have been much better off with her...ah but then again he'd just have worked and worked and then she'd have had an a with the electrition or the pool guy so would he be better off?
aw f it!
Thanks for stopping by johanna...I know you understand my plight and that I'm not just some sniveling brat who can never be satisfied.
(((((((((LL)))))))))))) My H once made a remark that that I was never happy. He said, the only thing that he ever wanted to do for me was PROVIDE. Is that the only thing that a man thinks makes him a good H? There is so much more to the R!
My H accused me of not being supportive or happy when he got his realestae license. I thought I was being supportive by typing his papers ,doing his spread sheets, and going w/him to take pictures of houses that were for sale. I guess I should have taken him out when he got the license, but I didn't.
The truth is no one ever made a big deal of my accomplishments as a child. I didn't realize I was doing the same thing to H. I always make a big deal of S's accomplishments.I think that is because I knew what it felt like to go without those encouraging words when I was younger.
You are so welcome my dear sweet woman. I know you need a brak from the tumoil from the past few years and wish I could do something to help you. I think of you often. You have always been there for me on my dark days, too. even though we have never met, we are friends none the less.
A lot of your feelings really hit close to home. It is somewhat comforting to know that others feel the same way that I do in questioning whether the M is really worth saving????
I can hear the pain in your posts, but also see that you are drawing strength through your own questioning.
Quote: A lot of your feelings really hit close to home. It is somewhat comforting to know that others feel the same way that I do in questioning whether the M is really worth saving????
I can hear the pain in your posts, but also see that you are drawing strength through your own questioning.
Wishing
It's that strenght that I fear. With that strength comes the knowledge that I could and would be at least somewhat justified in someday walking away. I don't want to know that (though in some ways it is healthy).
I am just saddend that seemingly the only way to keep h's attention is to act like I don't want to be here or don't want him around. Pretty damn ironic considering he once gave justification for his a by claiming that I didn't like him anyway.
it all just feels to childish to me. I just want to be loving and be loved..what's so hard about that. why when I am loving toward h does he retreat. Why when I am angry and cold to h does he then attempt to be loving. It's all just sickening. A dance that I grow tired of.
Don't quote me on this but the bible says something When we are children we do childish things. When we become men we leave all childish things behind. Do they ever leave it behind?
Quote: It's that strenght that I fear. With that strength comes the knowledge that I could and would be at least somewhat justified in someday walking away. I don't want to know that (though in some ways it is healthy).
I don't know about "justified" in walking away, but just knowing that YOU are in control of your destiny, that YOU no longer have to stay in a M that does not give you what you need, that YOU have given 110% to trying to save your M, that no matter what happens YOU WILL survive and blossom. That is the strength that going through this process gives us.
Quote: I just want to be loving and be loved..
I think that is what we all had when we were first married and it is a goal now. I don't think any of us should sell ourselves short....if there comes a time that we know for certain that that love/loving will never be a part of our current M, then it is time to pull the plug.
Through your questioning and analyzing it seems like you are answering some of your own questions (and who better to give you answers than you?? )
I think that is what we all had when we were first married and it is a goal now. I don't think any of us should sell ourselves short....if there comes a time that we know for certain that that love/loving will never be a part of our current M, then it is time to pull the plug.
what is most sad is that when you are not allowed to express to your partner your love in your way without constantly meeting rejection or a wall eventually you start to loose the desire to love them at all. For me at least I know that the wonderful bliss of the first years of marriage did not come my way...h had already in the years prior stopped letting me be me.
Through your questioning and analyzing it seems like you are answering some of your own questions (and who better to give you answers than you?? )
My answers aren't always leading toward the most positive outcome. While my h was gone and wanting d I was often told by people on the bb to read my sit as if it wasn't me what advice would I give...I was always troubled by that because the only advice I could come up with was "to hell with him". This r was tarnished long ago but I hung in there...I don't know that I can get past h's indiscretions and leaving us without a bit more effort on his part to foster more postive feelings in the relationship and he seems pretty adimant that what I see is what I get and I should be damn happy with it.
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