somewhere along the way...most likely long before h even proposed marraige (we had been dating for 9 years before we married) we had already drifted apart...what set that chain in motion is not clear..perhaps his starting his business and vesting himself fully in it leaving me to ponder my role in his life...perhaps my entering and thus graduating from college making him no longer that smart knowledgeable man that I looked up to.
Who knows what set us apart and who was the first to turn away...all I know is that the past 10 years or so (dated 9 married 6+) have seen a series of us butting heads then seeming to come closer together only again to butt heads. I know that it's normal in r's to have each partner occassinally drift...loose energy for the r etc but what happens when both have seemed to lost it at the same time?
I find myself seeing h not as the unliving workaholic he is with me but as still that great guy I once knew..that thoughtful, loving genuine guy..sadly though most of that is left soley for his children or other such interests but not for me.
today son graduates from pre-shcool...there is a ceremony and a pizza party to follow..h aparently forgot about the pizza party and just left a message (I wasn't home) suggesting after the ceremony we all go out to celebrate. I think it's great that he'd make the suggestion but can't help but notice that last summer when I completed my emt course and passed both grueling exams (practical and written) there was no celebration...no good job.
I grow weary waiting for my h to be more than a provider...it is obvious that he is capable of more he after all expects me to believe that his long term relationship with ow was purely and emotional connection..I don't see how a man and a woman can gain an emotional connection by simply sitting in the same room with out having a conversation.
I just want to give up but find it hard to do knowing that there is always the possibility that things might change..sad thing is the only way things seem to change is when I get close to not caring at all about the m anymore and just take the ride.
gloom and doom seems to be my motto and even I grow tired of it.
I just don't like feeling that my h is just the guy that pays the bills...when h first returned his fear was that "it" wouldn't be there...the "it" you all might ponder is that "in love" feeling..the feeling he had for ow..I asked what is in love..how do you know when you are in love with someone...his response..wanting to be around that person and wanting that person around you. Well folks by that definition I think it's safe to say that h just isn't in love with me as a result I'm just not inlove with him anymore either and do find myself pondering what love even is in the first place.
I'm not a naive ignorant little girl and knew that marriage was not all roses and honey...I knew there would be tough times and life wouldn't always be fun and games...I was willing and supportive and defended h's way of life to even his own family (bil and his wife often bashed h for not spending time living) but now I find myself not wanting to defend him...not wanting to stand by him...not wanting to even sleep in the same bed with him (and haven't for the past two nights)
I don't see that anything will ever change...the main issues that I have with the r have been around since before we even married..I suppose I was foolishly wishful thinking (or perhaps believing the empty promises) that things would get better.
I don't know how women of past decades accepted the role of wife, happy to be nothing more than the cleaner of the house, cooker of meals, raiser of children, bringer of slippers etc. I am so much more than that and feel waisted and or unappreciated.
maybe I should just do like so many other women and get myself on some prozac or zoloft or celxa and put on a friggen happy face for the world and snub my desire to be more than just the wife.
