Quote: I am glad, though, that U guys could have a fight and survive it. It means things are back on track. In my opinion.
I wonder though, how many such fights can there be over the years without any real healing, any real resolution of conflict etc. both parties just acting as if until the egg shell feelings subside can a r sustain?
I wonder if one day again h will leave though he blatantly refuses to leave and angrily states "I'm not going anywhere YOU leave". May sound horrific but I wouldn't be nearly as devistated or surprised as I was last time, I learned that I can do just fine without him.
I wonder if one day when I CAN just walk away from a fight with him and don't have to worry "who will take care of the kids in the morning" will I just walk out and not look back?
I wonder lot's of things but also know that it doesn't always pay to wonder and sometimes we are better off to just live life day by day.
I don't know where this relationship will lead but I'll always know that no matter what happens I can and will make the best of my life for me and for the kids.
Quote: ((((((((((((LL))))))))))))) His moods are about him, not you!
Nitaf
it would apear that way however he continously over the years has blamed me for all the negative in our relationship. It's amazing to me that when he first returned home after our seperation that he admitted to not being present in the relationship for some time of his own choice to invest himself fully in his business and felt bad about it realizing it was unfair etc. Now suddenly it is supposed to be ok that his main purpose in the relationship is to provide monotarily via investing 95% of his energies into his business and the other 5% into making our lawn look like a plush green carpet.
It is not that I don't appreciate the fact that he is a good provider and hard worker it is that I resent the arrogance he portrays whenever I ask for him to be more of a patner in the marriage.
It still baffles me how he was the one to take on a lover and walk away when all along he was the one who seemed to not be interested in a relationship that was much more than this is the girl on my arm that I provide for.
I'm tired of being made to feel like an unappreciative brat, I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm the nuerotic fool.
I find it rather odd that while I was away from h I felt good about myself, I felt smart, sexy, thin, funny, outgoing, alive, independant, likable etc..but it took only a few short days back home (from vacation) to again feel..ugly, dirty, boring, stupid, useless, controlled, unfeminie etc.
I know that h can't make me feel anything about myself..that only I can allow these feelings to foster or not but it does seem odd that I should feel better about myself when apart from h than with him.
and of course thoughts like that make me wonder again wtf was I not the one to leave?
Quote: HOw long has H been back home? My h BLames me for everyting although he had an A and is possibly having 1 now.
Nitaf
H has been home over a year (actually I think it was about this time of year last year that he finally emptied his apartment, don't know if that was fully his choice or if it was a little forced by his parents wishing to take it over from him)
H can't decide who to blame though he does take ownership of his affair (though I think he still has a hard time calling it that).
I suppose in the end none of it will matter anyway...the past is the past the present is the present and the future? well it can be anything at all but looking at the past and present...it looks pretty bleak.
Quote: Can you remember some good times since he has been home? Surely you can.
Nitaf [/quot
Of course there have been some good times since his return however the best times were when he first came home...an illusion of a new and improved and ever improving relationship with two growing individuals...occassional times of reflextion and addmittence of a certain arrogance and desire to change on both parts. That has subsided and seems to be a back to the same ole same ole.
I'm sure if I sat and thought long and hard I'd find glimpses of good times here and there still occuring but should it be that way? should a person in a marriage have to think long and hard to find some good times or manipulate their thinking to say "well that was actually a pretty good day" or should there just be good times occuring on a somewhat regular basis?
When h first came home (he didn't actually just come home, as stated in previous post he kept his apartment for a long while and just eventually stopped staying there until he finally gave it over to his parents who where leaving the apartment that had been in) there were certain things I knew needed to change for the r to thrive and he was pretty adimant about NOT making those changes..one being that we needed to set asside regular time for us. well guess what? that regular time for us hasn't come and our relationship seems to once again be on a track to distruction if it even exists at all. I don't like feeling like h could just be anyone..I'd like to feel a certain connection with my h and I'm sorry to say that I don't..even sorrier to say that "connection" is something he was also seeking and found in ow. Of course at this point ow seems irrelevant cept to say he spent the time to foster a connection with her but can't seem to commit the time with me. Does that say we just aren't compatable? perhaps but saying that would make me sound like the opening lines in Michelles chapters on was so I wont open myself up for bashing here.
I don't know that without any open effort and commitment to improvement from h that this m will survive the long haul. Maybe one day my h will end up like tonyp and be surprized to learn that 25years after his own affair and just getting ready to settle down and enjoy the benifits of working so hard find himself without his wife.
Of course like most h's of waw's my h wont hear any of it...his arrogance leaves him making statments like "why don't you go find some guy who can meet all your needs" (as if I'm asking for so much) or "no matter what I do it's never enough" or "you don't know how good you've got it" or many other arrogant pompous statments that just push me further and further away from him.
My H too is very arrogant and PRIDEFUL...He got angry once and left overnite.He took all of his things and came right back. When I asked him to come home this time, his response was What kind of man do you think I am? I would leave 2x's and come back? Does overnite count for leaving? I left for 2 wks in the past but that has no bearing on now! His ego makes him bite his nose to spite his face. He said b4 ,you are not as independat as you think you are! Does he want me to fail without him so he can prove a point and then come home and say I told you so.Check out my thread and see how independant I have always been. It is amazing that he doesn't see my strength!
LL, Maybe we can email...my address is ginyardf@uphs.upenn.edu. I 4got my IM. You can put your on my site or just email me if you don't feel comfy with putting it on your site.
somewhere along the way...most likely long before h even proposed marraige (we had been dating for 9 years before we married) we had already drifted apart...what set that chain in motion is not clear..perhaps his starting his business and vesting himself fully in it leaving me to ponder my role in his life...perhaps my entering and thus graduating from college making him no longer that smart knowledgeable man that I looked up to.
Who knows what set us apart and who was the first to turn away...all I know is that the past 10 years or so (dated 9 married 6+) have seen a series of us butting heads then seeming to come closer together only again to butt heads. I know that it's normal in r's to have each partner occassinally drift...loose energy for the r etc but what happens when both have seemed to lost it at the same time?
I find myself seeing h not as the unliving workaholic he is with me but as still that great guy I once knew..that thoughtful, loving genuine guy..sadly though most of that is left soley for his children or other such interests but not for me.
today son graduates from pre-shcool...there is a ceremony and a pizza party to follow..h aparently forgot about the pizza party and just left a message (I wasn't home) suggesting after the ceremony we all go out to celebrate. I think it's great that he'd make the suggestion but can't help but notice that last summer when I completed my emt course and passed both grueling exams (practical and written) there was no celebration...no good job.
I grow weary waiting for my h to be more than a provider...it is obvious that he is capable of more he after all expects me to believe that his long term relationship with ow was purely and emotional connection..I don't see how a man and a woman can gain an emotional connection by simply sitting in the same room with out having a conversation.
I just want to give up but find it hard to do knowing that there is always the possibility that things might change..sad thing is the only way things seem to change is when I get close to not caring at all about the m anymore and just take the ride.
gloom and doom seems to be my motto and even I grow tired of it.
I just don't like feeling that my h is just the guy that pays the bills...when h first returned his fear was that "it" wouldn't be there...the "it" you all might ponder is that "in love" feeling..the feeling he had for ow..I asked what is in love..how do you know when you are in love with someone...his response..wanting to be around that person and wanting that person around you. Well folks by that definition I think it's safe to say that h just isn't in love with me as a result I'm just not inlove with him anymore either and do find myself pondering what love even is in the first place.
I'm not a naive ignorant little girl and knew that marriage was not all roses and honey...I knew there would be tough times and life wouldn't always be fun and games...I was willing and supportive and defended h's way of life to even his own family (bil and his wife often bashed h for not spending time living) but now I find myself not wanting to defend him...not wanting to stand by him...not wanting to even sleep in the same bed with him (and haven't for the past two nights)
I don't see that anything will ever change...the main issues that I have with the r have been around since before we even married..I suppose I was foolishly wishful thinking (or perhaps believing the empty promises) that things would get better.
I don't know how women of past decades accepted the role of wife, happy to be nothing more than the cleaner of the house, cooker of meals, raiser of children, bringer of slippers etc. I am so much more than that and feel waisted and or unappreciated.
maybe I should just do like so many other women and get myself on some prozac or zoloft or celxa and put on a friggen happy face for the world and snub my desire to be more than just the wife.
