WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (6)

[BL42]

LH19/Ginger1/bttrfly/CWarrior,

So this summer I had my 35th high school reunion WTF lol. My ex girlfriend from HS sister in law was there. We got to talking and she said my ex girlfriend is in a terrible marriage. She said she wished she would have ended up with me. She was the first to break my heart 34 years ago and hearing her say that gave me a little bit of satisfaction.

Would I get satisfaction finding out my high school boyfriend was in a terrible marriage? God no. 34 years later and you have satisfaction that she is in a terrible marriage? Talk about not letting things go

So the high school reunion discussion got me thinking...

Not sure I've shared this here on the board yet but besides my ExW/marriage, though I've dated many others for shorter periods in-between, I've only had one other what I'd consider major/significant romantic relationship in my life. My high school sweet heart. She was my first girlfriend and first love. We went off to college together and dated for years afterwards. Actually the length of that relationship was similar and perhaps even slightly longer than w/ExW (both 8-9 years, approaching a decade), but this one was more on and off with breaks and never any engagement, marriage, or kids (though it certainly easily could've gone that way). In retrospect there was a bit of Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic at play - she tended to be more of the heartbreaker and I the left behind, though it went both ways at times - but our lives were fairly entwined (same classes in high school, many in college, families shared holidays dinners and vacations together...etc.).

What finally ended things was I was getting frustrated the last Summer and a cute little hottie started pursuing me and I finally gave in to someone else. That didn't last long, and my hs/college sweetheart pursued me again in the Fall and we spent both Halloween and Thanksgiving together, but unbeknownst to me she met someone from another country on a vacation she went on with a girlfriend (probably hurt about my Summer fling, though she had more of her own in the past) while I was abroad for a business trip in between those two holidays, and ended up staying in touch and basically ran off across the country with him at New Years. I wasn't without blame in the relationship, but being the left behind was hurt and betrayed and felt at the time that it was all her fault. Me and my family were upset with her, her family was actually upset with her, and I admittedly didn't deal with it gracefully (contacting her friends and family), and for a good while was depressed and wishing their relationship would fail.

Two times with HS/College sweetheart relevant to DB'ing come to mind:

1) In college during a HS/College sweetheart-initiated "break" in which she may have been seeing someone, my apartment mates and I hosted a party at which I made out with a good looking girl. Apparently word must've gotten around because the very next day I got a call from her enquiring all about it. Of course I didn't DB well and told her it didn't mean anything and really all I wanted was her back and then she of course was turned off. But it reminds me so much of a real-world example of the theories on here or Swingers how you have to move on before they reach out again. Literally the day after! LOL

2) Years after final breakup with HS/College sweetheart I described above, I was dating and maybe engaged to now ExW and she was engaged or maybe married to the man she ran off with, but she reached out. It was a shock - out of no where - and I responded with only a text "I'm not sure what to say at this point" and never followed up more, despite receiving repeated calls, texts, social media...etc for a week or more. Her parents had sold their house in our hometown and she was going through a decade of our memories in boxes and was reminded of our significant history. Don't know whether it was just a closure/"sorry for how things ended", a tempt check, or if she maybe was having second thoughts...but interesting. Totally out of the blue and never expected to hear from her again. Part of me, now having gone through the D and recognizing how I could've handled things differently with her as well, has thought about reaching out to apology myself now years later, but it's probably best to not stir things up and just let them be.

The point I'm only now getting back to from the HS reunion discussion is now, over a decade later, I feel completely at peace and let go of the resentment many years ago and hold absolutely no ill will towards her. I don't believe I would take any pleasure in hearing they didn't work out or weren't happy. I know they married and had two kids. I don't know if they're still together or happy, but have no reason to believe they're not. Who knows maybe HS/College sweetheart made the right call and is better off than she would've been with me. Or, maybe her and I would've been much happier and even blissful and she/we're missing out. There's no way to know. You can't play out all the scenarios and then choose. Life doesn't work that way. Even afterwards with the benefit of hindsight you can never be sure if it was the right call.

Now, ExW and the divorce feels much much different than HS Sweetheart because there was a ring and marriage vows and young children. Hers was a betrayal which is also impacting our children. But on the other hand maybe part of the difference is the stage I am in the process and perhaps I'll feel similarly about this sitch in a decade as I do now with HS/College sweetheart.

So if your exh or his W cheated on the other you would get zero satisfaction? Not a snicker, a chuckle or a haha.

Nope, not anymore. It would be more devastating for my daughter, so no. I really don’t know how I would feel if my child wasn’t involved.

I'd totally get satisfaction if that happened with Ex2/OM2 at this point! But like I said above with HS Sweetheart, and like Ginger1, maybe I'll get there. Probably best for me and the kids if I do. Though LH I suspect there might always be a small smile in this sitch.

BL, what you said about loving detachment is also what forgiveness looks like. People often ask what forgiveness looks like . That’s it. That’s a really emotional
Mature response to loving detachment and for what you hope to achieve.

Happy new year!!

I do think BL42 is doing exceptionally well on the path of forgiveness. I was not as far along as he two years in. He's also noting where hurt feelings cause him to want to do things which wouldn't benefit him or his family, and acknowledging that.

Ginger1/Warrior - Thanks for the kind words. Hope you're right :-)