My dear LL -- catching up with you, sending a big embrace.
I know how you feel, and I think it's normal. Just too much giving without reciprocity, eh?
I don't have advice, but I send my warmest thoughts and a song of prayer your way.
You will figure out what to do.
You are loved and cared for. People will reach out to you and help you. You're asking for it, you'll get it.
Doesn't come from the source you might expect.
Sigh.
But YOU WILL BE RELIEVED of pain. Believe this. Your suffering will not last long.
Maybe it's showing you that you need to WITHDRAW? Drop the rope? Go dark? Change something? Be mysterious? Initiate a change? Stop giving so much?
Be light and airy and make him wonder why?
Don't worry about the shame of what your H did. That's his problem. You wore the pants for both of you -- he has some more growing up to do -- and you need to just let him go through his lessons.
As we've all had to go through ours.
I am so sorry to see U in pain.
I am glad, though, that U guys could have a fight and survive it. It means things are back on track. In my opinion.
As I said, I cannot give advice here -- but I do understand the need to finally let off steam in the presence of the WAS.
After so much restraint, patience, poise, counting-to-a-zillion, courtesy-in-the-face-of-crap, we get perforated, depleted.
It takes wonder and magic and time for us to heal.
We also might have to brush away the old dead stuff before the chi in our lives is improved.
My H has made murmurs of wanting to get back together. Instead of being delighted, I've been infuriated.
Some pent-up old feelings come bursting out at him. During his MLC I could not show him ANY FEELINGS (sadness, anger, relief, hopefulness, nothing!) but it's a sign that he's come out of his depression and misery that he will now stay put and listen when I vent.
I have indeed vented -- how humiliated I was when he went around with a young grrrlll, how I hated living alone, how much it hurt when he called me psycho for crying, when I'd lost all my bearings...
After drying my eyes (he was there, listening) I reminded him (and me) that I've come out alive. More alive, more energized, more self-focused, more self-accepting, more accepting in general.
I told him I forgive him, but I'm reluctant to go through anything like that kind of rejection again.
So I might stay with my new BF, or maybe new guy will be a crutch on my way to independence and Who Knows What.
Golly, I may still be in limbo.
But that's ok, cuz I know what to do while I'm here.
Focus on my own magic, my own dreams -- and care for what I love, so it will thrive.
Be good to yourself, LL.
Be VERY VERY VERY good.
French soap. New silk nightie. A bracelet that sparkles. A new CD. A new cookbook. A pedicure.
You deserve a long serenade.
Don't forget you are loved.
Very much so.
By us, for sure.
Cheerier times to you come soon,
Bridget
P.S. My new BF will talk to me and listen till the cows come home -- but I'm beginning to see his shortcomings now, too -- the shine of newness is wearing off. He wants to watch basketball rather than go to the flea market. He isn't motivated to do my dishes anymore. His socks multiply in the living room...
WHAT IS IT about men's socks, huh?
So, yeah, greener grass is really tasty at first. Then you get to the stickleburrs... then what?
I jumped over the pasture fence. And I do and I don't recommend it... Don't do it lightly.
