WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (6)

[BL42]

I'm off work this week for the Holidays, so despite it being "ExW's week" I spent the bulk of Mon/Tues/Wed with S6 and D3 because she had to work. Did fun activities with them like bowling and the trampoline park and of course tons of playing with toys and games from Santa. So fortunate to have the extra time with them. One of my biggest fears in the D was the loss of half my children's lives, but so far I've been engaged a majority of the time, so that's good.

For some reason I've had trouble sleeping this week. You'd think without the young kids overnight I'd actually sleep better, but in reality I find it's often the opposite. This week I've been waking up at 3-4am and not being able to get back to sleep for hours and then when I finally do sleeping in much later than I should to compensate. So between the time with the kids and the sleep patterns I haven't gotten to the gym as planned. I need to refocus there.

In terms of GAL I went out to ice skate by myself yesterday, then met up with two buddies for dinner and drinks. I'm really looking forward to a friend's NYE Party tonight at his newly remodeled business offices w/a dozen couples who are good friends...I have a very good group and it's always good to get some adult/friend time.

I'm honestly not seeking this out, but was told by a reliable source through a family member that work is not going well for ExW at her current employer. If you remember the beginning of my sitch for months she was having a PA with a married coworker in the office during work hours. Apparently the rumor mill has been churning there and her unit actually took a vote to not allow her to return there. Supposedly folks weren't too happy she was running the hospital "having fun" with an ICU nurse manager during the outbreak of COVID. So she's been moved to an unfavorable unit as a sort of punishment. I guess it's not a unit people usually want to work for unless they're really interested/enjoy the area. It's somewhere ExW's worked in the past and previously told me she hated and needed to leave for her mental state, but now she's back. At one point pre-BD she was given awards and viewed by administration as an up and comer for potential management/director roles and now apparently, while not actually fired, has been put into limbo/purgatory on with her current employer.

Anyway, lining up with that info I also found out she had a phone screen and will be interviewing next week with the other main employer in the field locally. The hurt/angry part of me wants to reach out anonymously to the new employer and let them know why she's leaving the current place - part of this doesn't seem fair she can just escape everything into another situation and there should be repercussions - but admittedly that would not be loving detachment, and I should mind my own business. My guess is she may be she's trying to run away from the rumors and burnt bridges. If that happens it'll be a divorce, new house, new man/family, and new employer in the span of a year/year and a half.

I am interested in how a potential new job may potentially impact child support, which can be revisited every 3 years or after 15% change in income. It may not matter at all, but the role at the new place with be a supervisor role and with recruiting/rates in hospitals as they are right now it might be a bump up. Probably won't change my bottom line in the end, but may run the info by my L if things play out.

Also, in researching the employment situation I got curious and came across a Pinterest profile ExW had created online. I previously blocked her on the main social media sites, but couldn't help but a bit snoop at this finding late last night. Apparently back in April, a month before our D finalized, she made a board with dozens of motivational quotes about: leaving past behind, overcoming being broken, becoming the strong person you used to be, learning to be happy by yourself and then finding the right person at an unexpected time (odd, because she went right from OM1 to OM2 while married to me), remembering the person you were before marriage, you never know a man until you divorce him, it wont always hurt and you and the kids with get through this, being a mother and trying to heal yourself mentally and emotionally is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, people are going to talk about you for what you're during (i.e., divorce) so just seek happiness...etc, etc.

I felt a weird mix of emotions reading through those quotes. For one thing it demonstrates how the WAS/WS can go through a lot of turmoil mentally even if it doesn't show through to the LBS. We LBSs don't always have insight into that. But it also got me worked up it seems like a theme is how I broke her and she needs to heal herself from me and become strong and happy again. I don't know. I vacillate on this. I certainly wasn't perfect and couldn't been better, but overall am a fantastic father and was a pretty decent to above average husband (imo). There were times I could've done better planning date nights and being romantic, but things were pretty hectic with work and young kids. We definitely should have made more time for each other to focus on our relationship. Although I honestly do believe deep down it's her hurts and issues and ADs and counseling related to her upbringing from years before we met, findings like this (and this whole situation, including what she said to me at BD and in IHS) sew some doubt and make me second guess the man I am. I don't know.

Anyway, I shouldn't have dug into all that. I know...focus on me and the kids, not her.

I am very much looking forward to a New Years Eve party with friends tonight. Not only will it be great to hang out with my crew, it signals a fresh 2022 with great possibilities in light of my situation over the past two years...though it would be nice to ring in 2023 with a passionate kiss instead of looking awkwardly at all the couples around me when the ball drops! LOL