My Story P3...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

You can clearly see the battle within G. His polar views expressed as confusion and contradictory thoughts. Each of those views is valid and true - during the moments he is feeling it. Which would you choose to reinforce? To gently guide? To encourage?

Do I say, you are right and I am also looking for a new place to live in as we agreed, or do I say that I still stand for us, that I still love him but can continue without him perfectly?

I’d be still. No decisions need be made right now. Be patient.

Let your actions demonstrate your answer.

Definitely not an easy track at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I'm seeing so much progress within him which is good but he still keeps pushing me away and yet is coming closer in so many ways. This makes it extremely confusing.

G is making progress. He pushes and pulls as he keeps progressing.

So what to say and do? A few suggestions (in no particular order ):

I wanted to put some limits on our intimacy as agreed a few days ago. Why? From my side the intimacy is from a loving spectrum but it is purely physical from his side. (he confirmed this twice already)
He thought that I could see this from a physical side as well.
I said I'm not like that, not with you.

His confirmation of intimacy being purely physical - believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. G is confused! You said so yourself. You see it. Why would you think, and worse believe, that he has this part all figured out.

G is crafting beliefs, values, and convictions. He is strengthen some and discarding others. Just like what I encourage folks around here to realize and do. Thing is, G doesn’t realize the organizing he is doing. The incredible opportunity he is currently within. Thoughts and feelings reinforce or tear down beliefs. You are gently encouraging and guiding G towards positive aspects and values.

Along with intellect and emotion, physical action or lack thereof, holds power of influence upon one’s convictions. G’s wanting to be intimate is an expression of his desire. It is not all physical. And he is choosing you.

Now, I do not mean you should pump yourself out and have sex with him just because. However, you have already crossed that bridge - that “physical” bridge. If you enjoy it, do it. The positive reinforcement will serve both you and G. Do realize you are correct, G is more looking at this from the physical point of view. And your expectations and hoping for a more loving view, is causing you resentment. (Not a good or bad thing. Just pointing it out. And with knowledge comes power and choice.)

All reinforcements - physical, intellectual, emotional - all craft/strengthen one’s beliefs. This is what an awakening is. Awakening to one’s self. To one’s values. Then course correcting, and becoming better.

And by the way, sex will start out mostly physical, and then grows to emotional love making. G is at the start of that path. You are not.

He then told me things that made sense and also didn't make any sense, such as the fact that he is again thinking about seeking help for his addictions and problems,

You: I think that’s an excellent idea G.

about the fact that he loves me but that we have to let go of each other,

You: Yes, we were a bit too codependent.

that he can never love me the same way he used to.

You: I’m sorry you feel this way. Realize you can love me a different way, maybe even a better way. What has happened cannot be undone. However, it can be built upon. You and I have grown and our relationship could grow and be better as well.

That I have to let a new man into my life. That he is currently limbo and that I am now putting my life on hold for him and that's not what he wants for me.

You: I am willing to let a new man into my life. Presently, that “new” man is you - the new and improved you.

Remember, G will project much of his emotional self upon you. G, like all of us, sees the world through his lens. And people, usually default that others feel/think similar as them. His words give clues as to where he is at.

A little later he said that he feels that he is growing back more towards the children but also towards me and that this is very confusing. He didn't think this would happen.

Another sharing of G’s inner most feelings. Sharing one’s confusion requires a level of trust. G trusts you. Do not think otherwise.

This view is a surprise to G. A welcomed one. A view he secretly hoped he could feel again. His timid steps towards it show both his understanding of the monumental task before him and how fleeting this all could be.

His telling you he didn’t think this would happen, is begging for assurance it is happening. Assure him. Reinforce this positive growth and behaviour.

Furthermore, that he can not/will not be able to buy the house. He does not want to do this for me or the children because this is the house where all the sh*t happened and therefore would be better to sell.

I figured this shoe would drop eventually.

He then initiated to be intimate again but I kindly refused and said it would be better to have a good sleep now and we would see what happens in the coming days.

See how after G opened up to you; let out, and let go his confused viewpoints; G felt closer to you.

That scared timid squirrel is right there.

My dear friend, you now are gaining all the power. The MLCer first starts with all the power and all the decisions. A unilateral and unwanted decision is thrust upon the LBS. For those lucky few LBS, their MLCer awakens. For even fewer, their MLCer returns. And for fewer still,…, well that is where you find yourself.

You have done your inner work. You have forgiveness. And strength. And conviction, faith, hope, compassion, and such. And you have power and choice. G is slowly placing himself in your hands. He is starting to feel safe and secure enough to let you in. To let himself in.

Definitely not an easy track at the moment.

Agreed. Not an easy track for the moment.

Most times the best rewards require the best of efforts and risks.

You are one of the select rare few that has such an opportunity. You are most capable of exploring this avenue. You still have the gift of time. Patience and calm are allowing progress.

I know you are standing, dig deep Eagle.

D