I really didn't have to view your other 2 posts on this bb to realize you are a bitter man who has been left by his wife.
I don't mind your critisism as you obviously don't have a clue about me and what I've been through. If you had actually been lurking for a while you'd know that I am the furthest from "high maintanence" you can find.
Perhaps you just assumed from my more recent posts that I am the bratty little waw type..sorry to tell you I'm not. I wasn't going anywhere and wasn't (still not) asking for much from my h. I don't see how asking to spend some quality time together like maybe an hour or so a week and possibly be physically intimate more than once every month or so is "high maintenance" if you asked me it sounds pretty easy to please.
But perhaps your right...maybe I should just call it quits and accept that though my h was able to make the time to sit and talk with his ow he will never be able to (with any regularity) make the time to spend with me and I should either just be happy that he pays the bills or move on.
Thanks for your insight I really don't understand why your wife would want to loose such a guy as you.
Only you know when it is the right time to call it quits. But, I would be dissappointed if you quit now. But this is not about me or anyone else here, this is about you and what you really want.
We all get down, want to throw in the towel. But when we feel like this, I think it would be great if we sit down and decide what are goal is here!
It's our final decision, but, hang in there. You have my full support, no matter what you decide!
You sound like me; I also get defensive; big time. It comes with the territory of being hurt by the one person you thought, would never hurt you.
Sending a BIG {{{HUG}}}.
I think you are doing great, afterall, all roads have holes and bumps
truth be told I don't know that I will ever recover from what h did. See he didn't just have an a and leave me he disrupted the family we (or I) was creating. DD was a mere 3 months old when I discovered the a and h moved out just before sons 3rd birthday. I thought I was doing all the right things by making a happy little home, cooking good healthy meals and keeping the house clean and the kids happy all I was asking was to spend a little time with my husband or heck just to have him spend a little time with the kids and I.
My world was torn apart and I was set a drift. I lost the connection I had with my son, yes in part as a result of having a second child but mostly as a result of dealing with the shock of his father refusing to take 5 minutes to spend with us when we'd stop by his shop only to learn that he was happily making time to spend with someone elses wife.
I know that not all of my displeasure with my life lies in the hands of my husband but I do know that I was much happier and more accepting of "the way things are" before I learned that he was a lying sneaking cheating bastard.
Now I am to accept "the way things are" else be called a "high maintenance" woman who should just get over it and/or leave.
I'm tired of feeling ashamed for what my h has done to this marriage. I'm tired of knowing the deep reasons why son acts the way he does at times but not being able to express it to all the other friggen stepford families I'm surrounded by out here in rural suburbia (not a total suburban town and yet not completely rural either)
I don't expect most to understand my feelings and I accept that most consider me to be a little pain in the ass who should just be happy that her h did come home..but I ask people to not cast stones until they've walked a mile or heck a foot in my shoes.
It isn't easy to feel so alone and know that part of the time you were feeling alone in raising a young family the person you wished would spend time with you was off spending time with someone elses lonely wife.
I try to be happy and thankful for what I've got..I'm not seeking perfection but something tells me things can and should be a lot better around here and it's not me.
If I knew what I had been doing wrong it would make some sense but even h himself tells me it wasn't me. That's assuring but doesn't offer me a whole lot of comfort..it actually puts me in a rather akward position.
It was easier for me to be a mother when h was gone because h spent his time with the kids during his visits and I spent my time with them when he wasn't around. Now suddenly it's all back to me and I can't help but feel resentment and saddness when I take son and dd off to go fishing and am surrounded by all the other kids fishing with their dads.
I don't know why h was able to make the time for the kids then but can't seem to do it now and if I dare question it I am an insatiable high maintanence woman who no matter what her h does it's just not enough.
H even did more for me when he wasn't here.
maybe this bb just isn't the place for me anymore your issues are different.
I am sorry to hear you sounding so down, and I can indentify so much with what you have written, about trying to do your best by your family - husband and kids, and feeling so let down.
I had pretty much the same experience - felt I was bending over backwards to do my best, and all H could say was "I am paying for eveything around here," so basically he calls the shots and everything is *his*.
But he thinks at the same time that he is sort of feminist - never said so, but in his weasily way takes credit for 'gedding it', ha.
This is the man who informed me last year his project (which hasn't happened) in my country of origin was about 'women in society'. I am afraid I just laughed to myself. It is so embarassing. Why don't people look to putting their own house in order before trying, nobly, to criticise/change the world?
LL, my H was brought up by two montsters of selfishness, and I fear that it has made him into one. My H sees no 'value' at all in the things I do - cooking healthy meals, having sit down meals, not using the TV as a babysitter, encouraging D to take up extra curricular activities (very few in school here in this country), encouraging politeness, trying to set an example to D, rather than just telling her what to do. etc.
If your H is oblivious to all that you do for your kids and him, I suspect he was brought up in a family that didn't value these things. If this is so, I am not sure this info helps you, save to be a little forgiving towards H by understanding where he is coming from, not personalise it.
If you pop over to my thread you will see that while my H has shed crocodile tears about not seeing D for long stretches, I found out he was staying in the city this week, didn't say where, but has NOT been in touch with D, didn't mention that he is just a couple of miles away. She said, I won't see Daddy this weekend, and I had to refrain from telling her he was just down the road and didn't bother to let us know, as it would have hurt her so.
LL, I can only suggest that you try to shift the focus of your life right now onto yourself a little more - get out and about, either with some part time work or other outside activity, that gives you some satisfaction and control. You know you are doing your best for your kids and they WILL appreciate that in time to come. If your own mood shifts to someting happier, you may just draw your H back to you.
Please don't think we are all like getoverit. I too noticed he has posted all of three times, months/years apart!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I am not as down as some of my posts may indicate. Yes, I do have my moments of wtf is this all for but then don't we all. I suppose any "normal" marriage has it's partners at times thinking "gee, is this really what I want to be doing with my life" but then that's a normal m and we who've found our way to this bb don't have a "normal" m now do we. So, then when those ill feelings sway in it's hard to keep from venturing onto deeper more rooted thoughts of "gee, is this what I really want to be doing with my life" and why should I after all this.
H continues to make little extra efforts here and there and still no mention from him of the letter or the argument from the other night.
I don't mean to jump in but i've been separated for 2 long months. we have a 2 year old daughter that i see on wendsdays and every other weekend. i feel i'm missing the best times of her life when the family is suppose to be doing things together. the three of us. i just want to be a happy family again and i know we can but wife is thinking D.
You are not jumping in and I do sympathize with you. I was seperated from my h for over six months and we didn't spend anytime as a family during that time. He was even reluctant to attend a special day we had previously planned for son that fell during that time (imagine having to convince a father that it's ok to be at the same place as the mother of his son sharing the sons special day)
my complaints I'm sure seem minimal to those who are still facing the threat of d, seperation and/or op. I too used to peek into piecing and think to myself, why are they complaining? their spouse came back didn't they? All I can say is though some feelings subside with the return of the wayward spouse other feelings that we aren't prepared for come up and or linger.
LL.........I too have been lurking..I am so sorry for your frustrations...and I do know some of your history...you were there way back when and lifted me up many times.......you are strong, but tired..unsure where to go from here..unsure if what you have is enough...it's ok to have all those feelings and I know from your past that you are smart enough to not do anything too fast or in haste.
I don't know what to say about your h......do you think it is guilt? I do know with mine, that there was guilt,and until he was ready to face that..he could not move on with our m...but how do you pull all that out of him???????Thats a question with no answer......we can't fix anyone elses problems...mind..heart..they have to do it themselves...will they lose things along the way(family..)..maybe,but it is something they have to decide..and you have to decide if the patience...wait..forgiveness and all that goes into it is worth it. Do what your gut tells you..do what you need to do for YOU..and of course for your kids.
My dear LL -- catching up with you, sending a big embrace.
I know how you feel, and I think it's normal. Just too much giving without reciprocity, eh?
I don't have advice, but I send my warmest thoughts and a song of prayer your way.
You will figure out what to do.
You are loved and cared for. People will reach out to you and help you. You're asking for it, you'll get it.
Doesn't come from the source you might expect.
Sigh.
But YOU WILL BE RELIEVED of pain. Believe this. Your suffering will not last long.
Maybe it's showing you that you need to WITHDRAW? Drop the rope? Go dark? Change something? Be mysterious? Initiate a change? Stop giving so much?
Be light and airy and make him wonder why?
Don't worry about the shame of what your H did. That's his problem. You wore the pants for both of you -- he has some more growing up to do -- and you need to just let him go through his lessons.
As we've all had to go through ours.
I am so sorry to see U in pain.
I am glad, though, that U guys could have a fight and survive it. It means things are back on track. In my opinion.
As I said, I cannot give advice here -- but I do understand the need to finally let off steam in the presence of the WAS.
After so much restraint, patience, poise, counting-to-a-zillion, courtesy-in-the-face-of-crap, we get perforated, depleted.
It takes wonder and magic and time for us to heal.
We also might have to brush away the old dead stuff before the chi in our lives is improved.
My H has made murmurs of wanting to get back together. Instead of being delighted, I've been infuriated.
Some pent-up old feelings come bursting out at him. During his MLC I could not show him ANY FEELINGS (sadness, anger, relief, hopefulness, nothing!) but it's a sign that he's come out of his depression and misery that he will now stay put and listen when I vent.
I have indeed vented -- how humiliated I was when he went around with a young grrrlll, how I hated living alone, how much it hurt when he called me psycho for crying, when I'd lost all my bearings...
After drying my eyes (he was there, listening) I reminded him (and me) that I've come out alive. More alive, more energized, more self-focused, more self-accepting, more accepting in general.
I told him I forgive him, but I'm reluctant to go through anything like that kind of rejection again.
So I might stay with my new BF, or maybe new guy will be a crutch on my way to independence and Who Knows What.
Golly, I may still be in limbo.
But that's ok, cuz I know what to do while I'm here.
Focus on my own magic, my own dreams -- and care for what I love, so it will thrive.
Be good to yourself, LL.
Be VERY VERY VERY good.
French soap. New silk nightie. A bracelet that sparkles. A new CD. A new cookbook. A pedicure.
You deserve a long serenade.
Don't forget you are loved.
Very much so.
By us, for sure.
Cheerier times to you come soon,
Bridget
P.S. My new BF will talk to me and listen till the cows come home -- but I'm beginning to see his shortcomings now, too -- the shine of newness is wearing off. He wants to watch basketball rather than go to the flea market. He isn't motivated to do my dishes anymore. His socks multiply in the living room...
WHAT IS IT about men's socks, huh?
So, yeah, greener grass is really tasty at first. Then you get to the stickleburrs... then what?
I jumped over the pasture fence. And I do and I don't recommend it... Don't do it lightly.
