Somehow, I have an image in my mind, post pandemic, of you and your daughter going to Paris for Xmas! Wouldn’t that be nice????
That made me smile . We have been talking for years about going to Paris for her sweet 16. We are less than 2 years away. I’m afraid I won’t have the money, but I sure will try to save. I hope she does become my travel buddy one day.
I started having symptoms and could t go to work and had to get an outside test done because our hospital is blowing up and OMS can’t even lick up the phone. I was negative on my rapid and I feel fine now , I think it was body actually fighting it off. But because things are so bad, I can’t get back to work in person because OMS is backlogged on clearing people. Go figure. So I worked from home today, covered my unit, and got a lot done. Everything is pretty much a mess here, hospital at capacity, we even went on divert which we never do. Good new is even we are getting pandemic pay until 1/15 which is $5 more an hour. I’ll take it. I’ll take whatever I can get.
Tonight I finally had to take up my ex’s offer to come o we for a game night. I had no out, D really wanted me to come. So I did. We ordered Chinese food. Ex showed me his new “man cave “ which of course included the bar I got him for a wedding gift. For about a half hour just him and I had a beer and played ping pong. Then we all played rummy, then we played Mario kart, then I left to go to my home.
I feel very confused every time I do this. I go and I have a good time. Is it weird seeing pictures of all of them and hearing them call eachother “hun”? Yes. But I am fine when I am there basically. Everyone laughs and has a good time. I do see how he jabs at her every chance he gets like he used to do to me. I don’t miss that. Leaving my daughter behind is weird .how can these people damn near destroy me, not care what they did to me, but still enjoy my company? None of it makes sense
I feel like I am betraying myself. Like I should hate them for what they did to me. Like I shouldn’t even be able to tolerate them. But I mostly don’t even care anymore. It doesn’t make me feel strong and like some amazing person that I hang out with them. It makes me feel like I am a doormat. Like showing you can damn near kill me, but I will still be kind. What kind of person does that? A weak one.
But I just don’t care anymore. I think a part of me died. I have also becoming a pro at compartmentalizing. Or I’m numb.
My daughter is happy, can see us all get along. I guess that’s all that matters. But it’s really a mixed bag of emotions for me every time I do it.
I just feel like it’s my turn for my own little bit of happiness with another person
Working from home again tomorrow and off Friday. I’m supposed to work Saturday, and I better be because that’s time and a half. New Year’s Eve D got invited to a party but doesn’t want to go, and is going to spend it with me. We are going to hibachi. She will probably change her mind last minute, but that’s fine. I’ll relax with some wine and a good book .
