Picking Up the Pieces After WAW Goes Again #4

[smilie]

Hi BL, thanks for the input.

It's been a few months. Sorry to hear life has been such a struggle. This situation everyone around here has been in is incredibly difficult. I certainly feel for you. However, rest assured, if you focus on yourself and improving your life you will get through it and it will be way in your rear view mirror at some point in the future.

It has been a struggle and certainly the worst of my life - I have never had literally everything taken from me and left with absolutely nothing. Not having an income is the worst thing ever.

I thought spousal maintenance was already ordered for a certain amount and timeframe? Would you getting a job or starting a business change that?

It's an 'interim' order while finances are being sorted. When these are sorted a new order may be made. I don't know what type of work I would be able to do or if plans would suit and I wouldn't know unless I try. As soon as I try, then my wife's lawyer/barrister will push the fact that "see, you can work", even if I am unable to do what I try. I have had this conversation with my lawyer. In the short-term it makes sense to get the maintenance agreed & stable, as she is doing everything possible to spend every penny she earns every month so that she can "prove" that she has nothing left.

I would think you being out of work for 7 years during the marriage would be a big factor, despite your employment going forward. However, even if it would reduce or stop maintenance might it be better to pursue your own income regardless?

Yes, it would be better to do this and this is what I have been trying to get my head round doing exactly that for over 7 years. I would never expect anybody to understand my neurological condition, but it is so awful being dizzy all the time, let alone the other symptoms. Shortly before I moved I was re-diagnosed with PPPD - it would seem I have been given the wrong diagnosis back in 2017 - so there's that.

It might be empowering and you can't live off your Ex forever.

I don't want to live of her at all!

Her game is two-fold; 1) Smear campaign against me continually, trying to make out what a loser I am, how I never wanted anything to do with money and how I am pretending to be ill

Lots of stories are told in divorce situations, especially by the WAS/WS. Maybe it's her perception, maybe it's a lie...unfortunately either way you can't change it. You can only know and tell your own truth.

It's not her perception. It is all total fabrication to try to make it seem like I'm making it up that she took the money and trying to make out that I didn't know what was going on and wasn't interested anyway. It got me to a point where I thought I was going mad!

2) Demand thousands from me that I don't have £17k to be exact.

What are her grounds for the demand? Thought I remember you saying she cleared out the accounts on you which, if that's the case, seems like you'd be entitled to some of what she took.

No grounds. This is her offer of full settlement. I give her 17k, she gives me 9k in maintenance. If that makes sense to anybody..... I have no income, she has a high salary.

I think it's good you moved away. Like you said it'll help with detachment not running into her or familiar places. You can make a fresh start.

The best thing is going out for a walk, away from the places, her and neighbours who would ask me questions and report back to her - so I have just found out after moving.

smilie - I'll be honest. I don't know you personally or your situation more than what you shared here, so maybe I'm off-base, but I see a lot of being the victim and blame of other people in your posts but not a lot of self-reflection. You blame your stbxw for being evil. You blame your country's health services for not giving you housing and mental care you feel entitled to. You blame your neighbors for spying on you. You blame your first lawyer for not being good.

And this is what frustrates me and stopped me posting on forums. I don't know how to explain to you or anybody else, my experience. I type it and it is so massively unbelieveable that people think I'm making it up - this thing has been terrifying! I have one friend who has seen it first-hand including content of legal documents and he can't believe his eyes.

I am desperately trying to find a way back from all this and it's desperately hard. I am not "blaming" but giving facts. I have not blamed anybody for not giving me anything, the housing services wanted me to ruin my credit score, get an eviction notice and become homeless before they would help - in other words ruin my life completely. No blame, just fact.

As far as the stbxw is concerned, I have never experienced anybody being as evil as her. I thought the world of her and hate to have these thoughts and feeling about her, but I cannot explain what she is doing/has done any other way.

Likewise with the neighbours (2 of them), no blame, just fact.

This entire thing for me has been unbelieveable and like I have been in some living nightmare.

I have never expected or felt entitled to any mental care and didn't want any (funny enough I didn't receive any either after months). All I requested was counselling and that turned into the biggest nightmare ever. A guy at a charity who I have been speaking with through the back end of this, agrees that I have been treated appallingly. Even the lady who works for the mental health team that I spoke to after lodging a complaint, also agreed that I had been treated exceptionally bad and that the things that had happened shouldn't have.

This has been my exact experience.

Maybe all of that is warranted.

It's just my exact experience.

However, even if it is there's nothing you can do about it. All you can do is focus on yourself. Maybe some self-reflection and self-improvement would be time better spent?

This is what I have been doing, especially since moving. Everything is so raw still, especially as my wife is still playing these stupid games by submitting 296-page responses to 20 questions - even my lawyer can't believe that and hasn't seen anything like that in her life - so that's not me either.

You'll see "don't be a victim" mentioned frequently on this board. Even if we were all a victim in some way, it doesn't help to dwell on it going forward.

I never wanted to be a victim of anything. I had everything taken from me without my knowledge and no way to live and I have a reaction to that - even now when I look back and look at what's happening, it is so unbelievable!

I have spent months sorting out my living needs and navigating the rubbish I have been dealt - how is that being a victim. I wasn't sitting around waiting for others, I was pushing through both my emotional trauma and neurological symptoms and trying to sort things out and I have so far.

Better to get mentally strong and flip the mindset and empower your life going forward.

I agree and it's the doing that which is the hard part of where to start. I started of learning about narcissistic traits and it seems my stbxw has the handbook.

I need to work on not letting my mind get the better of me - this whole thing has shot my nerves and brain to bits it feels. How the hell do I start fixing that?

I'm also having regular couselling - privately, not on the state.

Money goes down quick and I don't have an income and I don't know how to handle that. Because of this I don't feel settled, never have and therefore I can't even think properly. It's only 3 weeks since I have moved that I have stopped shaking - that's 6 months of continual shaking, although I can still feel the anxiety is still quite high.

I've made a few connections round here and go to the coffee shop to journal a couple of times a week. A friend bought me a gift card for the drinks :-)

Don't mean to seem harsh. Just trying to help. Hope you had a good Christmas as well.

I know, it's just difficult for me to explain by typing - always has been, as the entire thing is so massive and unexplainable. People *always* get me wrong when I say what has happened and I don't know how to to put things into words or move on from that, as then people have made their minds up to the type of person that I am, which seems unfair. I am a worrier though.

I hope you've had a good break also.