To an outsider it may appear strange. Ha, this is a strange situation. G, XW - both exist within him.
It was little surprise that STBXH (soon to be XH) had not read the divorce papers. That seems to be such a commonplace behaviour of these crisis folks. Myself, I read every single word and clause, serval times before signing my agreement. I’m sure you did the same.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
In the car on the way back we were both silent. My emotions took over there and I started to cry silently. Luckily we were home quickly and I told him I was going for a walk. He saw that I was crying and started to cry too. We hugged each other and I left. He wanted to join me but I needed time to myself. After a walk of an hour I had put everything back together. It is what it is. We have to move forward. And eventually I’m glad I signed the papers.
(((Hugs)))
You did well and took care of the business side. The rest is in the hands of God. Live your life well. Such is a lighthouse.
G is considering treatment for alcohol, anger issues, depression, and faces a pending job decision. He is awakening to his life and the consequences of his choices and actions. That’s a tough thing to come to terms with.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
I also wanted to share with you something about the OW’s. What really struck me during the open conversations I had with him is that the fact that they are together with an OW, it is the OW itself that shows and learns a lot about themselves. It's just as if the OW is helping them bring out their demons and show them who they really are.
I can't explain it but the fact they say the affair has to run its course, I'm starting to understand this more and more. Strange to say, but apparently it also has a purpose.
Well done!
The affair(s) are just a symptom of a crisis. However, the affair does serve a purpose. Consider, XH could have gone to counselling or something else. But no, he had an affair. He was driven towards it.
This does not excuse his immoral behaviour; it does explain it a bit. These lost souls are in torment and are looking for a key to their happiness. An affair is the easy answer. It never works! They have to look inside themselves and grow up.
Some affairs do remain and last. They grow up, both them and AP. The once symptom affair morphed along into a relationship. This is more in the minority of outcomes.
The affair, a symptom of the crisis, needs to runs its course. Just like the crisis needs to run its course. The affair partner is just something to take their minds off their torment. It’s more running from their pain than running towards this new partner.
Yes, an affair will bring forth more demons than it will quash. The AP being a mirror for the unfaithful to look into. The very thing they are trying to run from. Ah, trying. The predisposition to fail. There is a reason an affair is considered a sin.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
The only thing I have to guard against is the fact that there is an enormous physical attraction between us. Our intimate life has always been very intense and now that he lives back at home, that dynamic comes back completely, which is actually not advisable. He is still convinced that we cannot be in a relationship anymore. Too much happened, can't give what I deserve, children will have to be able to deal with new partners in the future etc.
I tell him I don't need him anymore, but that I’m there for him.
Maybe I should change my tactics here. No more intimate contacts and keep my distance, but in a good way? Any advice on that?
Some advice:
H actually calls you his lighthouse. OMG! Think about that. He aspires to your life.
He bemoans that too much has happened, can’t give you what you deserve, cannot be in a relationship, etc… This is all projection of his inner feelings. Negative and absolute. The two major hallmarks of depression and depressive thoughts/feelings.
Be the lighthouse. Live and love your life. Let him catch up.
“I tell him I don't need him anymore, but that I’m there for him.”
Perhaps, “I tell him I don't need him anymore, but I still want him.”
Or better yet, “I still want him.”
G wants to be wanted. Like all of us do.
G wants to be needed. Like of all us do.
Of course needy can be unhealthy; capitalized Needed as in codependency. The more lowercase needed/wanted/desired type thing is excellent.
“I tell him I don't need him anymore”, soften this a bit. G doesn’t need to hear it. He sees it. He needs to hear and see (and so do you) your desires, acceptance, willingness, forgiveness, and such.
Go slow. With no pressure.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
Maybe I should change my tactics here. No more intimate contacts and keep my distance, but in a good way?
There is no OW anymore. Right? If she is out of the picture, then there is no cake eating. Be intimate. You are working towards a reconciliation. If you weren’t, you’d not be considering all these things.
G is not showing disrespect. He is making progress. He is talking openly. No need to alter your approach. It is working. Be patient. Dig deep. This is a slow journey. And you want it slow.
The divorce is signed. The business side is settled. The emotional path remains.
Act as if. Be with G. Encourage G. Have dinner together. Watch movies. Talk. Do your own thing. Let him do his own thing. Show trust. Build a relationship, slowly.
And when XH is around, leave him be. Not all cold turkey, just a bit less. Lol.
Eagle, G aspires to be better. He is not sure how, nor sure that he can be. His “being convinced” is really himself questioning himself. He is looking to you for affirmation. And that affirmation is actually for his desire and wanting of you and a great life, not for what he is actually saying.
And yes, it’s in that order. You and a great life. They circle back to that which they discarded, in the reverse order of how it all went down. Reconciling with first things, pets, children, then spouse. The thing they first destroyed and discarded is the last to reconcile with - themselves. Their life.
G stands upon the threshold of his life anew. Will he step into it? I hope so. Time will tell. For now, he is reconciling with you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
