Successfully completed the 3rd week since H returned home. This week H was again very candid, but you also see the depression and withdrawal come back, and he's trying incredibly hard to fight it.
Last Tuesday we actually signed the divorce papers. Within 3 weeks we are officially divorced. At the notary I was able to complete everything very business-like, my feelings fully under control. Of course H was totally unprepared, hadn't even gone through the papers. He just sat there and listened while she read through the document.
When we walked outside I joked that he was finally a free man, simply to brake that awkward moment, he hesitated, then answered this would only be in 3 weeks.
In the car on the way back we were both silent. My emotions took over there and I started to cry silently. Luckily we were home quickly and I told him I was going for a walk. He saw that I was crying and started to cry too. We hugged each other and I left. He wanted to join me but I needed time to myself. After a walk of an hour I had put everything back together. It is what it is. We have to move forward. And eventually I’m glad I signed the papers.
This means that soon H will no longer be H but XH. In the situation of about 2 months ago I would actually start to call him XH, but he is not XH today, he is XH but in his awakening. That is why I will apply DnJ’ tactic, from now on I will start calling him G.
XH is MLC H, G is MLC H during his awakening. I sincerely hope I can continue to call him G.
In recent days, G has had enormous difficulties in keeping his drinking under control. However, he realizes this and is now also talking about it. The realization that he has an alcohol problem, an anger problem and separation anxiety are very present.
Since this weekend, he's started talking about the fact that he's thinking about getting admitted. (I hope this is the right word)
His contract expires at the end of this month. He's been given a new, not very good job offer (I think because they want to get rid of him), and probably plans not to take it. This means that he could be out of work from January 1.
That's why we talked about the fact that he is on a T junction. He is very aware of this but it is taking everything from him to make a decision. For us this would be very clear, for a person in crisis this is hell.
It can go 2 ways:
- On the one hand, not accepting the job, after all, he has been employed there for 3 years now and has never liked it, and in addition, he can work on his problems with the help of third parties.
- On the other hand, he can continue with the job, and may or may not seek help, but there he has a greater risk of not taking any steps forward and stay in limbo.
It's up to him to choose which way to go. The coming weeks will be crucial in this aspect.
I also wanted to share with you something about the OW’s. What really struck me during the open conversations I had with him is that the fact that they are together with an OW, it is the OW itself that shows and learns a lot about themselves. It's just as if the OW is helping them bring out their demons and show them who they really are.
I can't explain it but the fact they say the affair has to run its course, I'm starting to understand this more and more. Strange to say, but apparently it also has a purpose.
As for myself. I'm still coping well with the situation. I keep on listening, I’m the lighthouse to him (he even says this to me), I can deal with whatever he says and I’m also processing.
The only thing I have to guard against is the fact that there is an enormous physical attraction between us. Our intimate life has always been very intense and now that he lives back at home, that dynamic comes back completely, which is actually not advisable. He is still convinced that we cannot be in a relationship anymore. Too much happened, can't give what I deserve, children will have to be able to deal with new partners in the future etc.
I tell him I don't need him anymore, but that I’m there for him.
Maybe I should change my tactics here. No more intimate contacts and keep my distance, but in a good way? Any advice on that?
