WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (5)

[BL42]

DnJ,

Regarding not changing her last name. My XW said something pretty revealing, which at the time I totally didn’t get. I outright asked her about changing her name. It went something like this:

Me: I guess you’ll soon be a <OM Last Name>.
XW: No way! I’m not going to marry him!
Me: Oh, going back to <Maiden Name>?
XW: No way. Too many negative connotations with that name.

I realized the pain she was running from, is from her past. From her family’s past. From her family name.

My ExW didn't explicitly say any of this, but I suspect it may be the same situation as your J. My ExW did cut her dad out of her life for years (he wasn't invited to our wedding) and in the last few years let him back into her life but told him post DB she felt he was abusive to her when she was younger (though her brother disagrees and I'm now of the opinion her mom is the emotional manipulator). Anyway...it wouldn't surprise me if she doesn't want to take his name back. Or it could be the inconvenience, or waiting for OM2's name. Who knows really. Regardless, I'll follow the board's advice and not ask her about it and react without emotions if & when she does change it.

Ginger1/Dawn70,

Of course she’s made purchases not related to the kids in the past year. When someone receives child support it doesn’t mean they aren’t allowed to buy a nice pair of shoes, get their hair done, but a nice new air fryer. I don’t understand the assumption when someone receives child support they should just be living very basically with no extras j less they are for the kids. Does that really make any sense?

While I agree with what you said, Ginger, I have (sadly) seen the other side of it.

Don't want to dwell on this topic because honestly it's not a big cause for grief in my sitch (honestly just felt like a quick vent above), but I will respond briefly. I certainly want my kids to have what they need, and don't begrudge my ExW a new pair of shoes or hair appointment, but do think the law is unfair. The problem is there's no verification the money goes directly to the kids. There's no way to enforce this; money is fungible.

In writing we split the kids 50/50; in practice I care for them more than her (just not based on "nights"). She makes an above average income, has her wealthy mom and step dad in town helping financially, and OM2 living with her (and presumably sharing the household expenses). Yet on top of that I give her the equivalent of her previous mortgage and car payment. Since separation she's made major financial purchases which no one could argue benefited the kids (Caribbean vacation without them, elective surgery...etc.). She was the one who had affairs, split our family, divorced me, moved OM2 in with my kids...yet I have to write her monthly checks?

So yes...it does seem unfair. But no...I don't protest to her, I write the checks each month, and honestly for the most part am able to let it roll off my back.