I had a fantastic 2 weeks off and I have to go back to work tomorrow and I am so dreading it. Our department is a mess, we are short staffed and everyone is so overly stressed. And going back in a Friday was probably dumb, because it’s the hardest day of the week for case managers. Even though I had surgery, I felt good really quickly and my knee feels better than it did since the injury and 1st surgery. I had a rare reoccurrence of something rare in my knee along with the meniscus and I’m praying it doesn’t grow back and stays this good. The stiffness is gone and I don’t have to limp my first 10 steps anymore after getting up. I’ve been enjoying taking the time to do things, not being rushed and always freaking out about the next thing I have to get done. I’m really going to miss that. I hate we have to live life that way.
Had our unit holiday party last night at a local restaurant ( in my town) and the police had their party in the room next door. They were awesome and have some of us rides on the cop cars to the next bar! I ended up dropping my wallet and someone returned it to the police station and when I went to pick it up, I was talking to the 2 cops. One went to school with the nurse I work with who threw the party and the other cop I actually babysat! He doesn’t remember me , but i remember him and he ran out of the house on me! My ex babysat him and his brother as well. My ex also found his mom’s lesbian sex tape ( they divorced because she was gay) this I did not bring up, lol. Man, am I old. I am actually only 6 years older than him, but still. They said whenever we were hanging I it again to call them up! One was super hot ( 12 years younger than me, the mayors son, and he has an identical twin) but too young for me.
Things have been peaceful. I enjoy not talking to any guys or pretending to try to date. The thought makes me so anxious and uncomfortable now and I wasn’t like that. I know I need some therapy. Maybe I’ll pull the trigger on it.
My major stress right now is my financial situation. I don’t know how I am going to make another 3-4 years of this. Low six figures and I can barely make it. It’s giving me a lot of anxiety. I made a decision that in January I am not spending any extra money. None. All meals will be homemade. No takeout. One night out to dinner with D. ( she chose the cheapest restaurant thankfully) no more buying my morning coffee, no buying clothes or anything enjoyable. And the worst part will be declining social invitations. It seems covid is bumping back up here, so maybe that is better. We had 4 cases when i went out on leave and now we have 27.
I have to do this. I did not want to be house poor, but I didn’t have a choice. I hate it more than anything. I haven’t vacationed since 2018. I haven’t taken D anywhere and her dad takes her on multiple vacations. I am just barely Surviving financially and I hate it. I don’t do anything nice for myself. I don’t get my hair done. I get my nails done once a month. I don’t buy fancy things. It just is what it is I guess until I move.
I never saw myself here and for this long. But it’s life I guess
