some know me, some don't...story doesn't matter much other than I was the lbs and h did come home...yes ow...claims no to pa..bla bla bla and all that shinola.
point...just got back from a vaca with my mom and grandmother...kids stayed with h, fil, mil and grand mil.
fought with h this evening...not pretty...he eventually pulled his typical end by going off to sleep...here I am...wrote a letter wich I will no futher edit...pick it apart if you wish.
I feel like a damn waw only I don't have the balls to really be one.
h,
something has to be done. No, that is not a threat. Clearly the threat is doing nothing at all.
It is blantatly obvious that neither of us is as happy as we should be in this marriage. We can assume that "it" just isn't there anymore or never was. But I think we both know that's BS.
I'm tired of having the same old fights with you over and over again. I'm tired of feeling like we are getting closer only to then feel like we are just going through the motions for the greater good.
I don't believe we want very different things and I don't believe it impossible for each of us to be happy and fullfilled in this relationship. How to get there and maintain it? Well it's certainly not going to happen by doing things the way we have been. Things are not falling into place they are falling apart.
I wanted to work on having a better marriage but most often find that all I can do is to keep my mouth shut and not ask anymore of you than you give.
I don't know what you want to do but I don't want to live this way anymore.
It is pitiful that all I wanted was to come home and know that I was missed but instead discover (as stated) that everyone was happier without me here.
I wanted to come home, take a shower and go to bed early with my husband but instead find myself sad and alone writing a letter to a h who was glad to see me go. (yes he did say he was looking forward to my not being around)I probably wont sleep much and will be misserable tomorow and of course wont have the stomache to eat but I'll trudge through the day and put on a happy face for the kids.
Maybe I should go work the b or c shift some where then you can still have Your house and Your kids and Your money and not have to be bothered with me. Perhaps since I wouldn't be here to avoid you'd be around to spend more time with the kids like you did when you didn't want to live here.
I know 75% of this should be erased because you will hear nothing but a bitchy-pshyco talking to you but the basic point is I hate loving you and would like to change at least one of those words. as always the choice is yours.
Looks like being tired is doing the rounds on the board - I don't know what to say, other than take a deep breath, take some relaxants, go to sleep, and think about this when you feel stronger. Right now, you are at a disadvantage, being tired and feeling low.
I'm checking out simple things, just to keep me ticking over at the more positive end for a while, till I feel able to tackle this again. Sigh.
I was just yesterday wondering where you and a whole lot of others had got to, when I saw this. I am very sorry you are at this point, but if you look at my thread you will see much the same gloom this weekend. So I am not going to be a ray of sunshine either.
I don't want to pull you down further, so will just say, hope you can see your way out of this sad situation some way.
You didn't elaborate on the argument, - are you sure it was not just something that got out of hand where H wound up saying thngs he didn't really mean? Or did he cold bloodedly tell you he didn't miss you?
Don't give him any letter until you have slept on it a few times.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: It is pitiful that all I wanted was to come home and know that I was missed but instead discover (as stated) that everyone was happier without me here.
I'm sooo sorry for how you must feel. After all the energy and effort you put forth in the last two years to first save your M and then to try to foster it to be more endearing than it ever was, it must be absolutely demoralizing to hear those words upon returning. Don't you ever think that you deserved that!
!!! HUGE EMBRACING HUG !!!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ LL }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Quote: I feel like a damn waw only I don't have the balls to really be one.
You have too much of a feisty personna for me to ever believe that! I think there's a totally different reason on why you haven't quit yet! You are an idealist who believes with all of who she is in the sanctity of marriage. It is such a strong part of who you are that you can not turn away from it ... for doing that would be betraying yourself! LL, that's not a flaw or a weakness. It is a trait in which you are to be admired for ... and for what it is worth ... I do!
I hope your letter will get thru to him. Maybe it would work? I know there were letters in the past, but I don't recollect if they were directed to cause the kind of inflection that you are asking your H to take now.
I'm trying hard here now to take to bashing your H! ... but I said before and I'll say it again ... HE JUST DOESN'T GET IT! and it will pobably take nothing less than receiving a senseless, nearly totally destructive act to wake up his senses. (Again, I'm willing to oblige to go up there and whack with a 2x4 until he gets there!!!) I wish I could do that and more for you!
Darn it I'm so sorry to hear of such an unpleasant experience for you tonight. You should not have found yourself feeling like you were compelled to have to write such a letter, or post about it either. I hope that you were able to release some of the poison that affected you by writing anyway.
It probably won't all be resolved in a single night, so at least get the rest you need right now after the trip. I can tell that you are very hurt and fed up and who wouldn't be? It was a cold shot he threw at you, which could knock anyone off balance, especially someone like yourself who has so much heart. Once some of the raw anger you feel subsides more, you should be able to think more clearly about how you would like to proceed from here forward. If at all possible try not to add fuel to it by allowing yourself to be reactive to his negativity. Very hard to do, I know, but he may be baiting you into more conflict so don't take the bait!
I know how you feel, al the effort coming form you and very little from him. Hard to deal with especially when tired. Get some rest and then tackle things again when you are in a more rested state.
thanks for all the replies folks, I know I've been less and less available to offer anything to others round here as time has gone on.
I left that letter for h to find this am (he slept in the guest room) I doubt I'll hear anything about it.
How the argument started? seems we both feel compelled to blame the other for things and one of us has no understanding of looking at things from another perspective.
Yes h did say such things in anger but they were true...I felt them before leaving on the vaca so it's not that they were just words cast out in the heat of the moment it was simply the heat of the moment that made him be honest.
it seems that because h is the one that makes the money the house is HIS, the money is HIS...after all he sent me on the vaca didn't he? gee I thought it was my money too? so when he went to new orleans for super bowl, or houston for super bowl or miami once each year for football he sent himself?
Yes h did give me the "your such a bitch", "you don't even know what reality is" "you don't know how good you've got it" "why don't you find some guy to fill all your needs" "your a pshychopath" "your damn right I was looking forward to you not being around" and a whole lot of other not so nice things.
Hey LL, So, big question...how was vacation??? I hope it was AWESOME!
So...what was the triggering event? Am I misreading...sounds like something about the arrival home and perhaps h's lackluster response set the wheels in motion?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: Hey LL, So, big question...how was vacation??? I hope it was AWESOME!
Yes it was!! I had so much fun..if you have never taken a cruise I highly recomend it...the best way to travel so much to do and see but you have to dicipline yourself to get off the ship while your at the island.
So...what was the triggering event? Am I misreading...sounds like something about the arrival home and perhaps h's lackluster response set the wheels in motion?
Sage
The wheels have been in motion for some time, you may recolect my posts prior to leaving for the trip (on the breaking the rules thread) and of course my depature was made less than pleasurable as well.
I left on mothers day. H and the kids took me to my moms where the hired driver would then take us to the peir...well son (who is just 5 mind you) was being a bit reluctant to kiss his 78 year old great grandmother and h made a big stinkin' fuss over it...annoying my grandmother, mother and myself. We seem to understand the phase little boys go through and don't take offense to it..what we took offense to was h being so stern with son that it made us all misserable...I had quietly asked (after both my mother and grandmother stated it was honestly not a big deal and they understood son) that h just let it go so we could enjoy a little bit of mothers day but he didn't and instead chose to continue to be overly stern with son demandning he kiss great grandmother or not get any munchkins and milk and was then pissy with me for not agreeing with him though I did it privately. H then abruptly swept son and dd off to the car just as I answered a phone call from my father wishing me a happy mothers day and enjoyable cruise.
yes, I then did say a few things I shouldn't have but wtf?
when I called home from the ship h was distant and sounded like he was talking to a stranger. When he picked me up at mothers house yesterday he greeted mom with a kiss, moms bf with a kiss and then me with a distant kiss less friendly than that he just given my mother. We returned home I handed out the gifts I had purchased for the kids, h, mil, grand mil and fil...h then sat at the puter for a long while...mil and grand mil decided it time to leave so I set out about straightening up the house, putting laundry away etc. H came up to do I don't know what and as I was on my way down the stairs called from the bedroom saying "hey, come in here" I just kept walking but then returned...he gave me a real kiss but then the kids started making a ruccuss so I turned and walked back down stairs..h then put on his boots and spent the next 4 hours mowing the lawn (and later admitted that was a screw you I'll just go cut the lawn type of thing) he didn't get back into the house until I was already giving dd a bath.
h was aparently expecting an appology from me for mothers day and refuses to see how he may need to offer up apologies himself for making such a fuss and ruining the short mothers day I had with the kids. the rest is just a bunch of bs and there is no point in hashing through it all..the facts are what they are...
h was right to leave 2 years ago when he did...neither of us were happy and nothing was changing (well other than the fact that he was making himself happy with ow)
h shouldn't have come home as he hasn't bothered to change anything (other than getting rid of ow) and aparently expects me to do all the changing.
The things h said last night simply verify the way I feel...h talks about me not respecting him? what a crock of bs. He is living in the wrong era...or perhaps with someone of the wrong ethnicity..I am not his mother or his grandmother and I do not believe all that a h need do is provide monitarily and a womans job is to cook and clean and make life comfortable for him.
honestly if he were to leave tommorow I'd probably breathe a sigh of relief. I'd ache for my children but not for myself...I've tried for so damn long that I'm dying inside.
... but I said before and I'll say it again ... HE JUST DOESN'T GET IT! and it will pobably take nothing less than receiving a senseless, nearly totally destructive act to wake up his senses. (Again, I'm willing to oblige to go up there and whack with a 2x4 until he gets there!!!) I wish I could do that and more for you!
