Thanks R2C. To answer your question, no she hasn't change in behavior. If anything she seems more committed to the MR than she ever has! I think in the back of mind there was a small part of my brain that expected the other shoe to drop once my daughter was away at school. A small part of me that thought, "Oh she is just waiting until daughter is out of the house, then she'll want to end the MR." Again, nothing she currently was doing made me think that. It was just the distrustful part of my brain. I am a naturally untrusting person. I do not trust many people, it just the way I am.
But no, this is all on me. Maybe it is the 4 year anniversary of BD coming up. Or maybe it is the empty nest. Maybe it is pandemic fatigue and all of the craziness around that. Maybe it is that I have been thinking more and more about retirement. Who knows. All I know is that I've been feeling that way. It has been a bit better the last two weeks, but I cannot say I am over it completely.
People who've been hurt repeatedly like to be the first to act. If I can hurt you before you hurt me I don't get hurt. If I blindside you before you blindside me I won't be at a loss or confused or angry or hurt. Honestly I think with anniversary pain looming you're probably feeding in to this not so healthy behavior unconsciously. I know I'm going through all the A anniversaries right now and with stress from work, being a mom during the holidays and some other things I've been crying in my car alone...a lot. But it's nothing he's doing. He's very much all in and also seems more committed to the MR than ever. Which is why I was trying to say earlier feeling this way sometimes seems like it's pretty par for the course. Even with my friends in consistently happy marriages high stress or high anxiety times they have weird thoughts/fatalistic thoughts about their MRs that are totally illogical and 100% internalized and anxiety driven.
This has been a pretty exceptionally weird 18 months in your life. I'm really happy to hear you've been feeling better. Maybe with a little more time, and some processing in IC in the new year this will all blow over.
