Abit of update on my stitch. Overtime, I kinda have enough of her stance towards me and her way of trying to belittle or talk down to me. Thus I just let go. I told her, if she intents to divorce, let’s do it. There is no point that we are still staying together with her behaving like that in front of us daily.
She told me she was actually intending to wait for the kids to get bigger before doing so. And we can co parent under the same roof for now. I told her there will never be the right time and it is really also very suffocating for me to face her in this manner. I have not done anything to provoke / aggravate her and yet she is always behaving in that agitated manner.
I told her I leave it to her. If she would like to proceed, just do it but that does not solve the problem. For 3 over years, she had been treating me like that in and out. Then she started to bring out the instant which I dragged her to the psychiatrist for evaluation. I asked her, did she even remember why I did so? How was she behaving then that pushed me to that? She went quiet and said sorry thereafter. It’s the kind of scenario when they push u for a reaction that it crossed your line then they cried victim.
I told her to seek help for her issues. She said she did try to see a therapist previously but the therapist could not help her. I recommend her to look for another one then. Post then till now been about 3 weeks. She had been mostly cordial since then till now till this morning she messaged me saying that she intent to take my suggestion and proceed with the divorce. She is suggesting that perhaps we can go out for dinner and talk in details about it. I told her it’s fine with me. I’ll leave the arrangement of the dinner to her.
Then she mentioned she would like to buy over my share of our existing home, claiming that it’s better not to cause too much changes to the environment for the kids. I told her I would want to consider about that because my initial thoughts was to divest the home if it brings better profit. She said we can discuss about that and take my time to consider no problem.
Later I found out from my helper that she has actually been talking to the kids these few days about separation again behind my back. No wonder I do notice my chaps feeling Abit down but was not able to catch up with them much as I was returning late from work these 2 days.
I think I had done enough and I just leave it to that. No regrets. A particular incident that happened a month ago also diminished whatever much memories I had of whom she once was. I had a very bad fall that led to a grade 2 ankle sprain while at home. I was on the ground for 5 mins and unable to get up. She witness it and after a while just asked, “u ok?” Then called out to the kids saying “ur dad had a bad fall” before walking away. My helper and the dog was showing even more concern than her.
A wake up fall instead for me. So my intention now is, just go with the flow. Let her make the arrangements and I just go along with it. Always thought that perhaps things might be better due to her changes these 2-3 weeks but it comes back to this. And I told myself if she raised the topic of divorce up again, that would be the end of my stand. Originally I thought of roughing it out for 6 years as that’s the typical max range for MLC that I read or for ever. But then I think is enough.
3 years and 5 months since the bomb dropped. I accept the closure to my marriage and the person that I shared my life with. Although there’s some stirring within me still, it’s no longer as bad as before. I do look forward to some company but everyone’s kinda busy during this festive season and this is such a negative matter. So I think I’ll just get me some drinks later.
ToSmile, welcome back. I have to agree with BL. I see a lot of talk here, but not much action. Even her talking to the kids is just that, talk. Even if you meet her for dinner, that will be more talk.
My suggestion is to tell her to go file and then you can discuss the details. Likely she is going to try to make this a "joint" decision. "We've decided to get a divorce." My guess is that you will not like that. You want her to pull the ripcord, so you can look back and say you did everything you could, but that she just didn't want to stay married.
But ToSmile, I also have to point out that you are still trying to control her. Look at these statements.
"I told her there will never be the right time and it is really also very suffocating for me to face her in this manner.
I have not done anything to provoke / aggravate her and yet she is always behaving in that agitated manner.
If she would like to proceed, just do it but that does not solve the problem.
Then she started to bring out the instant which I dragged her to the psychiatrist for evaluation.
I told her to seek help for her issues.
I recommend her to look for another one then. "
You are still struggling with trying to fix her, control her, manipulate her to get what you want. What you want is commendable: A loving, committed wife that treats you with respect. However, you admit yourself that you've read on MLC and realize that they have to run their course. Whether that is 6 years, forever, or somewhere in between.
I can tell that you were still hoping that the "divorce me now" tact would have awaken her. How? Because she treats you decently for 3 weeks, and then acts ambivalent when you fall and hurt yourself. And you are surprised by that? Have you ever seen the movie "War Of The Roses"? In the movie that wife is "over" the marriage. The husband has a medical incident thinking it is a heart-attack. The wife doesn't come to the hospital. Afterwards, when questioned, she says "I didn't come because I got a premonition that you were dead. That made me happy." THAT is where your wife is and she has made that abundantly clear for 3+ years. So you fell and hurt yourself and she couldn't give a crap.......that is a WW!!
So I see you struggling because you fail to take action. You have made it clear for 3+ years that she should move forward with the D if that is what she wants. When she doesn't file, but nothing else changes, you grit your teeth and bear it......until you can't take it anymore and then you "remind" her that she should D you if that is what she wants. When she says she wants to wait you "urge" her to do it because "it is suffocating" for you.
Here is a stronger way to proceed: Set a date in your head. If she hasn't filed by that date, YOU GO FILE! You accuse her of playing the victim in relation to the psychiatrist, yet you are playing the victim because of her behavior and actions. You have no control over her behavior and actions. But you do over yours! So take action yourself instead of sitting back and feeling sorry for yourself. You don't deserve what she is doing to you.....and that stinks. But life isn't fair. You have to be willing to stand up for yourself.
I will reiterate...do not agree to dinner to discuss the D, especially when it hasn't even been filed! You guys are already disagreeing on the house, so a discussion will not go the way you want and it will not end well. Set a date. If she doesn't file before then, you go file. And then use mediation to "come to terms". Be aware, she will likely fight you on everything. It is what WWs do. So I'd highly highly highly suggest hiring a lawyer. One of the best things I did in my situation was get a consultation with wiht a lawyer. There is NO downside to getting a free consult so you can get an idea of what to expect.
ToSmile, 3+ years and you are in the same spot as before. If you really feel suffocated and cannot go on, then you need to be the one to pull the ripcord. Let us know how it goes.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
