OK OK, I've messed up. I hold my hands up and admit it, that I've REALLY messed up. Please don't be too "we told you so and you ignored us". Let me explain.
I was having a really hard time with everything last week - mostly school stuff. She caught me as I was going out for a ciggie last Thursday and asked how I was. I made the stupid, stupid mistake of telling her honestly (I know, I know. I can hear you tutting now). "I'm OK, doing fine, but really don't want this". Ooops. STBW launched into "I've been manipulated and abused by you, my family, my ex-BF for the last 41 years and I've had enough". I validated while she ranted and then went back inside.
I was seeing my therapist that evening and recounted the conversation. On her suggestion, she advised writing it all down and letting her know how I was really feeling. Then sending it. I spent a while hovering over the "send" button, but though f**k it. I knew it was anti-BD. I should have cut off my fingers.
To cut it short, we met for a coffee the next day. She's done. She's SO done. She wants to wait until after the New Year and then will start divorce proceedings.
I needed to hear it. I've let myself down pretty badly, but in some ways it has helped. I need to properly let go. I thought I had, but I was trying to fake it until I made it. That hasn't worked. Nor has being honest with her.
I have read so many situations on this site hoping to learn, and I guess I haven't learned well enough. In so many stories I read here, there have been at least some doubt on the side of the WAW, but in my case nothing...nada....ziltch...
Time to dust myself down and buckle down to it. A friend gave me a great sticker: "Chin up, t*ts out". I might put that as my signature.
