WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont10.)

[ScottB]

I guess the only thing I take issue with here is the statement "that’s actually giving me a lot of peace of mind and confidence and knowing that if I want to find somebody'. If you had to date in order for this to occur then that tells me that you have more work to do on yourself. Happiness, fulfilment and confidence should come from the internal...not the external. Dating is external.

Dating is external. But, if you were told you were unattractive, unsupportive, less than, worthless for a long time, I get that some of the healing is space and time. But another part of it is validation from others. If you’ve been gaslighted, you’re not going to turn that all around yourself. A counselor definitely helps. But so does other support, and in this case it has helped me that when I have dated women have told me the opposite of what my ex used to say to berate me. I’m not saying what anyone else should do, I’m just saying that it has been a part of my healing process.

Again, the little jealousy tells me that you aren't quite there in regards to unresolved feelings. You should really work through that with your IC.

Agreed. I think this will be a life work. I imagine that 20 years from now my ex will still be able to say or do things that create an emotional response. Just like anyone else in the world can if they say the right thing, and she’ll always know how to tweak me. In this case, she is taking them on the vacation that I had planned for me and the kids before I could do it. Not too cool, but I’m glad the kids will get to go. I’ll plan something else.

Any reason this hasn't happened? Is this related to more unresolved feelings? Your ex didn't need to be 100% well for the ball to start rolling on this. Your hesitation here again points to some things you haven't dealt with. You owe it to yourself to really work with a good IC to get through that so you can move forward with the next chapter of your life happy and healthy.

I talked to my IC about this. Things are on a spectrum. I’m doing well but there is a small emotional part of me that still doesn’t want a divorce. Call it 95:5. Its sad - no one wants a divorce. I know logically that it needs to happen. But its still hard and I continue to work through it.

I remember Scott. I have to be a bit blunt here. I think obviously you've dragged your feet on all of this, and some of it was mistakes early on. I still remember you agreeing to a joint Christmas last year. I think you can look back on that now and realize in hindsight that was a bad idea. Not because the joint Christmas itself wasn't a good idea, but the expectations and feelings you had going on a year ago really stunted your recovery. Here we are a year later and you feel you are in "survival" mode. You are asking your attorneys to "lay low". You feel jealousy when your W plans fun things with the kids. All signs that you have work to do to move past everything healthy and happy with an toward the future! I know you've come a long long way in a year, but some of what you've said here suggests that you still have a ways to go.
One question on that front: If she were to contact you today and want to reconcile, what would you do?
We are all pulling for you!

I don’t know Steve, I don’t regret last Christmas. I look back and I think it was good for the kids at that time. I also took every shot at reconciling and I have absolutely no regrets.

Also, I’ve lived life in survival mode, to be fair. Literally as a kid to being an adult. I talk with my IC about that, and I’m working to change that. It has to do with a lack of self-care. The idea that “I’m tough” and can get through anything. I need to give myself space to grieve, heal, and not do it all. To know when to take a time out, and to invest in time with myself. But some days are tough, and I’m still surviving, not living. Recognizing this has been helpful.
And I’m glad to have work to do. I’ll keep working. I’ll continue to move to a healthy place.
I didn’t realize how wounded I was in the marriage. I hate to use buzzwords but there was a lot of emotional abuse thrown at me. She did a lot of things to take away my voice. She tore me down, she didn’t build me up. It wasn’t good. But I continue to work through it.
On reconciliation, I have too much at risk, the divorce needs to go through. After that, if she wanted to discuss reconciling, I would grab coffee – because I think that’s reasonable, but I just don’t see it as a possibility.
This whole time as I’ve been working on myself, she has been blaming me and she seemed to have done much if any work on herself. I continue to grow and she is still angry, accusatory, and blaming. I just don’t want that in my life. The girl I’m dating at the moment is a really good active listener, she’s good at being vulnerable but confident, and she seems to take responsibility for her life. I like those traits.