Wow, H is certainly waking up towards so many things. And you my dear are doing incredibly! Well done, keeping your cool and being no pressure.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
He remains calm, I’m seeing a lot of the old H again, but also a completely different person, it sounds cliché because it is described that way everywhere, but it really is the case.
He also continues to do his share of all the household tasks and even more. Asks every day what he can do and everything is done effectively. He feels useful that way I see.
Every day he is starting to realize more and more.
I am sure H missed feeling useful. Interesting how they first run from all their responsibilities and then as they grow up, roll up their sleeves and dig back into them.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
Afterwards I went into his bedroom to say that I have forgiven him, that I have done this for a long time and I gave him a kiss on his forehead.
I wondered when you were going to tell him.
H is working to forgive himself. His admission to the hurt and pain he caused, his talks with son, his regrets, and such. He is looking for forgiveness, his own and God’s. That’s a tall order.
You did very good telling him and leading the way. Showing H it is possible to be forgiven. Seeing that possibility is a huge mental shift within a person; to realize and believe they are worthy of forgiveness.
H has a bit of a path to trek first. Quite a few things to say and own up too. Many things to fix. And much self imposed pain to endure.
Generally, people do not know forgiveness. They do not know how to do it, and they do not understand it. The usual, and incorrect, principle is that the person needs to earn forgiveness.
Some folks seeking forgiveness get caught up in self inflicted demonizing and emotional flagellation. They punish themselves to atone for their sins and immoral acts. A kind, compassionate, and empathizing word will do much to help one along their path. More often, people may try. Realize the difficulties of self admonishment and then quit. Never realizing the futility of such a direction. For one cannot buy forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not for sale. Forgiveness cannot be earned. It is bestowed, often silently, by the one forgiving because of who they themselves have become, not because of who the one seeking forgiveness is or what they have done. For that reason self forgiveness is more difficult; one is both seeker and bestower.
I place H in the first category. Not too far into the self punishing path, yet he is seeking how to forgive himself. And he won’t easily quit. A very good thing. H will forgive himself because of who he becomes, not because of what he does.
Repentance is oddly not a physical action. Actions do influence the inner working though. And influencing a belief can change everything.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
The signing of the divorce papers is scheduled for tomorrow. This is given me mixed feelings but I know I have to persevere now. H is nowhere near full healing yet, he cannot give any guarantees, he wants to proceed with the divorce since he cannot give what a woman seeks in a man. He cannot make me happy for now he says. So in the interest of myself and the children, certainty is now necessary in case it goes back the other way.
A wise decision. Security and certainty are most worthwhile.
It is evident you still feel for H. You still desire a reconciliation. Divorce is just basically the business side of this situation. And strangely this does not negate a possible future reconciliation. You are just financially untangled.
Remain steady and calm. You have given this much thought and made your decision while clear-headed. That is one of the most important principles of divorce-busting. Act with purpose and logical reasoned focus.
Best of luck tomorrow.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
