WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont10.)

[SteveLW]

Well, back on November 11 I signed my documents for the divorce. The following Monday my soon to be ex got Covid and I was blessed to have the kids for 11 days in a row. None of us got it so that was also blessing as we had a Thanksgiving vacation planned.

I’m continuing to work to redecorate the house and that’s going pretty well. I remain in counseling and that is continuing to move along as well. I continue to try and express myself through poetry that I keep to myself, but that acts as an outlet for me and I try to do my best to journal and meditate regularly.

Great work on the GAL! well done.

Unfortunately I still feel like I’m in survival mode but I’m not as sad or depressed or frenetic as I was. Against the advice of those here I’ve actually dated a good bit this year and that’s actually giving me a lot of peace of mind and confidence and knowing that if I want to find somebody I can and will and then I don’t really need to hurry.

Interesting perspective on "survival" mode. I'd be interested in what your IC has to say about that feeling. Likely still unresolved feelings toward your WAW.

Which brings us to dating. I don't think the advice on not dating has anything to do with pure "dating". However, most people date to try to find a potential partner. Something that would be counter-productive at this point since you are in "survival" mode. Not a healthy place to be and potentially be one half of a couple. IF you can date and truly just date, not try to find a somebody until you've dealt with all of your unresolved feelings related to your MR, then I don't see harm there. However, 99.999999% of people cannot do that. And make the mistake of jumping into a new R with someone too soon. All that does when you haven't done the work on yourself is set you up for a future BD with the new person.

I guess the only thing I take issue with here is the statement "that’s actually giving me a lot of peace of mind and confidence and knowing that if I want to find somebody'. If you had to date in order for this to occur then that tells me that you have more work to do on yourself. Happiness, fulfilment and confidence should come from the internal...not the external. Dating is external.

My ex has begun to do fun things with the kids which admittedly makes me a little jealous, but really excited for the fact she’s getting her crap together. In our relationship I was always the one that had to come up with the fun activities, so admittedly seeing her do a better job than me this month is great for the kids! She’s planning a spring break vacation for them that was the trip I wanted to take them on next year, but again it’s great that she’s actually doing things with them.

This is awesome for your kids! Seeing their parents split isn't easy, that you both are making efforts to help them with the transition is awesome!

Again, the little jealousy tells me that you aren't quite there in regards to unresolved feelings. You should really work through that with your IC.

My attorneys reached out to Hurst three times to figure out when we’re going to file and has heard nothing back. I told my attorney to lay low for the next two weeks because my ex had been sick.

Any reason this hasn't happened? Is this related to more unresolved feelings? Your ex didn't need to be 100% well for the ball to start rolling on this. Your hesitation here again points to some things you haven't dealt with. You owe it to yourself to really work with a good IC to get through that so you can move forward with the next chapter of your life happy and healthy.

Business is going really well, and I’m actually having a record year which is incredible. And I’m really looking forward to the upcoming ski season with the kids, if it could just get colder fast!

Good stuff here! Great work in business and I am anxious for you to be able to unwind with time on the slopes!

It’s been approximately one year since she moved out in one year since we started the divorce.

I remember Scott. I have to be a bit blunt here. I think obviously you've dragged your feet on all of this, and some of it was mistakes early on. I still remember you agreeing to a joint Christmas last year. I think you can look back on that now and realize in hindsight that was a bad idea. Not because the joint Christmas itself wasn't a good idea, but the expectations and feelings you had going on a year ago really stunted your recovery. Here we are a year later and you feel you are in "survival" mode. You are asking your attorneys to "lay low". You feel jealousy when your W plans fun things with the kids. All signs that you have work to do to move past everything healthy and happy with an toward the future! I know you've come a long long way in a year, but some of what you've said here suggests that you still have a ways to go.

One question on that front: If she were to contact you today and want to reconcile, what would you do?

We are all pulling for you!