WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (5)

[BL42]

All,

Sounds passive aggressive to ask her to change her name.

Let it be. What name she chooses is outside your control.

Like LH said, asking her to change seems a bit passive aggressive.

Nothing you can do about it, none of your business. You don't own her name, she does. Some women change their last name, some don't. It's a hassle.

Your kids have your last name and they are a part of her family. She shouldn’t have to give up her last which is her kids last name. Her kids are her family and she shouldn’t have to extricate from that part.

Let it be. I kept my married name. It's the same as my kids and it's the professional name I've used. In fact I had it almost as long as I'd had my maiden name when we got divorced. It shouldn't affect you in the slightest.

Unanimous consensus to "let it be" on the last name so I won't broach the subject. Part of me does hope she changes it, and thinks she probably will at some point (though not sure she feels about taking her father's name back?...seriously might be waiting for OM2's name), but I suppose it doesn't overly bother me. It's just something I think about when writing her the checks. Understand I can't control it anyway. I'll stay silent on the matter.

He fired himself from any position of giving a crap about anything related to me when he divorced me and his last name was also my LEGAL last name at that point, so honestly, if he had asked me to change it, I would've kept his just to spite him.

Maybe I should explicitly ask her to keep my name so she changes it just to spite me! ;-)

name changes are complicated--new passport, driver's license, credit card, employee name, etc.) I certainly wouldn't want to go through more changes than necessary.

Completely understand why it's a pain, and it's typically the women who have to deal with it.

I have mine direct deposited from my check into her account.

I do an e-transfer on or before the 15th of each month. I like that system as I get to control when the money leaves my account.

As far as the child support, I would figure out a way to directly deposit it to whatever account she wants it in, even if that means her opening a separate account just for that or whatever.

My ex Zelle’s his payments right into my account.

I'll look into a way to automate / direct deposit it in the future. 18 more years is a long time to be writing out a physical check every month.

I just did the math I have less then 100. Wahoo!

99 child support checks on the wall! 99 child support checks! Take one down, pass it around...98 child support checks on the wall!

Passing it back and forth doesn't leave enough of a paper trail for you to be able to say you gave it to her. Again, not saying she would try to screw you over because I don't know either of you, but I would just think for both of your sake you would want some sort of actual proof (other than just the check itself) that the money is changing hands.

You better believe I have a scanned image of each and every check I've written as well as a spreadsheet calculating it all with references to bank and check number. No chance of me not having documented proof! lol

Also - not sure on your jurisdiction, but here at least spousal support is taxable by the recipient whereas child support isn't.

My ex held on to his resentment over my alimony - our kids were grown. I'd mommy tracked my career in order to relieve my ex of all those pesky child-rearing issues that would have interfered with his surfing and mountain climbing and his great career success. My alimony is by the book, actually less than what the formula would give me.

No spousal support in my situation. Based on the length of our marriage ("just" 7 years) and that ExW has a good paying job (just not as much as me), the calculated amount and duration of payment would've been minimal so it was waived. ExW never put aside her career. She always worked part time, before kids and even before we were married, and went full-time just before BD (probably a missed sign?).

And yes, child support is based on disparity and the division given that disparity. It goes towards the cost of housing and living. Food, electric. Mortgage, etc. Not just direct monetary needs of the children.

As for child support - you are contributing to their quality of life. Even with your contribution they will not be living in as affluent a household on either end, as what they had before the divorce. Kids are expensive and this is your obligation. If this helps them live in better housing, have more amenities, go to a better school district, afford a vacation with their mom - these are all things you should be supportive of. In extreme examples, for instance, it would be bad for the kids to live with one wealthy parent and then have to go half the time to live with a poverty-stricken parent in a slum. Child support helps ensure that their quality of life does not vary that greatly from one household to the next. Let go of the resentment, it will only hurt your children.

Well, it's not as if the kids were ever going to live in squalor half the time. ExW has a professional job and earns more than an average income for the area without child support. She did risk her job and actually stunted her career growth through all this, but that was due to the affair with her coworker in the office, not "mommy tracking" and that was certainly not on me. I've always been an extremely involved father and contributed more than my fair share around the house.

It does seem a bit unfair ExW had affairs, split up our family, moved OM2 in with my kids, divorced me...and now I get to help fund her lifestyle! And in my state I actually had to contribute to her legal bills to help her do all that to me, no lie. Money is fungible so who's to say it's even going to help the kids directly. She's made plenty of purchases unrelated to children in the past year and a half.

Don't be that guy - he's losing his relationships with the kids over it. You made a commitment to the kids and this money benefits them directly or indirectly.

Anyway, I'm not actually "that guy". I've never complained a peep to ExW about the checks and wouldn't make it an issue with the kids even if they were old enough to understand. Just a bit of venting here...