Yes, W’s behaviour is a rather common way these folks attempt to regain and retain control of the situation. See how she is making you the bad guy? Because…why… you don’t answer? What a confused mind she has - yes? See her emotions at play?
Originally Posted by Hoch
So… what do I do when she comes at me straight with what is basically, “where do you see this going, now that I’ve drawn a line in the sand?” Her approach is saying, this makes me uncomfortable not knowing. Tell me what you’re planning.
Whatever you do, do not tell her your plans. If you see a L, keep that to yourself. Do not share your playbook. Everything you say, will be used against you.
Respond: I can see how this is making you uncomfortable. I’m not planning anything. It’s your line in the sand.
Originally Posted by Hoch
How do I deflect that, while still validating? I don’t lie well, never have. So if she says “I feel awful tell me where our marriage is going,” and I respond with “I’m sorry that you feel awful,” I’ve completely ignored her question and she will press it. Thoughts? Eventually she turns angry and finds an answer, even if “you’re being evasive so I guess we can clearly see what your answer is.”
Good for you for not lying. Do not lie. A MLCer’s mind is like Swiss cheese when it comes to most things, but a lie or some mean thing you said or did months and months ago, they will dredge that up and utilize it to its fullest
See how her conclusion is herself trying to create justification for how she feels. And how she made it up, with little to no actual data.
How to deflect. First a question for you, from me (well actual from you just unrealized before this moment): Where do you see your marriage going?
Not where you’re wanting it to go. Where it is going.
I suspect your answer is “I don’t know”. A perfect answer. The future is unknown. I don’t know, doesn’t limit the possibilities and is the truth.
W: I feel awful tell me where our marriage is going.
H: I’m sorry your feeling so bad. I honestly don’t know where this is headed.
She will or will not accept that answer. And will or will not get angry. Her response will depend upon how she is feeling at that moment.
She may come at you with - you’re being evasive. Shrug it off. Irrational reasoning cannot be reasoned with. The best one can do is defuse the situation. Agree with her, while not accepting unwarranted blame.
W: Well, you’re being evasive so I guess we can clearly see what your answer is.
H: I’m sorry you see it that way. I’m not purposefully being evasive, I just really do not know where this is headed.
Then go about your day.
The path of your marriage takes two. You can only control one - yourself. Keep your side of the street clean. Let her be. And see if she comes around.
She has moments of clarity and does question her actions/beliefs. Her angry projections and inquisition is a result of that. She’s looking for Hoch to blow up so she can justify her view.
Breathe. Dig deep. And remain calm.
You got this.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
