My Story P3...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[DnJ]

Hello Eagle

He is even an nice H at the moment. I've never seen him so calm.
Calm to the children and to me, also very helpful.
It's like our roles have been reversed.

They sort of have been. Well not so much reversed as seen.

I used to be the pleaser, the follower, also the woman who ran the household, he almost didn't have to do anything. He was the man who lived for work, the biggest money provider.
He is back home since last week and now I come home from work, groceries have been done, he is preparing dinner, cleaning up, making tea in the evening, folding the laundry, etc.

I've never seen him do this in all our lives.

Sounds like he was the stereotypical provider man. Work, bring home money. Then somewhere along the way, his usefulness got questioned (internally), he started questioning if that is all there is to life.

Just out of curiousity, where would you place him currently?
There is nothing of the extreme going on anymore at the moment. That's why it seems out of the normal. I would think he had an awakening but is still in replay, but this doesn't seem to match his actions.

Kind of funny when our crisis spouse is being calm we think it’s not normal. We are so use to their previous behaviours we do not know what to do. More accurately, we do not how to believe or trust their behaviours and intentions. Dig deep, and give time. Need to let H demonstrate consistent behaviour to slowly alter your perception and belief of his intent.

Where would I place him?

H appears to be finishing replay and well started into awakening. However, a lot of his current actions are congruent with the early stages of acceptance. As in worked through depression and withdrawal.

Just like the LBS, everyone’s really, the stages of grief and such, the delimitation between steps / stages is not sharply defined. Nor are the stages linear or happen only one at a time. We all are in multiple stages as we have emotionally accepted certain aspects and are still processing others.

In this, H is displaying some early acceptance. I remember you were worried about him and even suicide talk was heard from him. Pretty big hallmark of depression and withdrawal.

So, IMHO, H as exited some of his depression and even progressed through some withdrawal. He is like a teen/adult who knows he has been bad. He so wants to be forgiven. He is looking for how to do that. For he is looking to forgive/accept himself.

You are the role model he is watching. He is modelling after you. It’s not your roles are reversed; it’s that he sees your role. And is emulating it. He is growing up, finding emotional understanding, finding acceptance.

H is looking for appreciation and love. Even if he doesn’t yet realize that. He is letting go being rebellious and embracing being adult. Remember why MLC. H’s recovery means he sees meaning in life, accepts aging, sees his life’s work.; and when one can do that a peace and calm comes forth.

He is working to become.

Will he continue doing the groceries, making diner, cleaning up, and such. Most likely, especially if encouraged and appreciated. And he will then make those timid efforts a permanent change to who he is.

I place him currently at the cusp of becoming a better him - H new and improved. And he absolutely wants to. He is displaying that he can. As long as there is not too much pressure he should progress quite well along his path.

H has confided plenty with you. You have not berated him, nor blew up and crucified him. Remember how weakly he used to offer little tidbits of information? You listened, and he opened up more. He trusts you! Think about that. H is not displaying behaviour of one embroiled within replay.

As I said, we are all multi-staged. H is no exception. He has some parts of his journey that are less further along (like all of us ). He will display depression/withdrawal traits when dealing with those. Overall, he seems to be a bit beyond all that.

My reasoning is his discussions with you. No OW. His behaviour around you and the house.

Still, “us” is pressure. Relationship is pressure. Divorce talks is pressure. Well, not really. I think H’s pressure is considering not divorcing. Not divorcing means “us”. Therefore he looks the other way to divorce. That’s why he says what he says.

He actions do not match his current behaviours. A guy looking to divorce doesn’t clean up and get the groceries. Listen to his actions, not his words.

H’s confusion is heightened regarding things that are too much pressure. And divorce or not divorce (relationship) is a big one.

Anyhow, that where I’d currently place him.

In time, I think he is going to be even more comfortable in his new skin and will roll up his sleeves and get more involved and work on repairing what he destroyed.

D