I understand, even more, I see through it now. The answer you wrote above, I could only read it after my afternoon with H because I was already out for a walk with him. When I read it in the evening, everything fell into place. This was what I applied all afternoon and indeed it works very effectively. But I'm even going to say more. I've read this several times in the past, especially on another website, and then I didn't understand how to apply it. I've also thought several times in the past that he was on his way back but then I wasn't ready, I hadn't let go of him completely and he felt that this as well so that's why my tactics never worked.
Yesterday afternoon the 2 of us were gone for 4 hours, and it would have taken even longer if it weren't for the fact that we had to go back to the children.
We talked about everything. He was very talkative and I could ask whatever I wanted. He did the same to me and I answered everything honestly.
Yes, he still freaks out, still says a lot of inconsistent things, but bottomline, he talks.
Topics we talked about:
- 2 OW's - His time separated from us whilst abroad - My time separated from him while he was abroad - Divorce (about child support and the pressure he feels that he always needs to provide money for the family, he knows he has to but this gives him so much pressure) - Me checking out new houses - His trauma's and his identity crisis (he acknowledges his running behavior, he only doesn't see yet that the R's with the OW's were also running behavior)
He was also very interested in my love life. I told him honestly that there is one man that is particularly interested in me, that I like him as well but that as long as I'm not divorced I will not go further, and even then that I will decide this for myself in the future. Then he said: OK, then I don't have to feel guilt anymore if I want to start a new R. I told him no, when you are divorced you are a free man.
His biggest concern for me: that I hadn't let go of him yet. Well, after yesterday I have been able to decide for myself that I am certainly ready. I finally let him go. And the bizarre thing is that he also noticed this very strongly. That is why he communicated so openly with me.
I have decided to proceed with the divorce and the further search for housing. If he comes closer, OK for me, if he doesn't, then I can continue on my own perfectly.
He had such a pleasant time yesterday he said he asked if we could go again next week on Sunday. I said, sure, we can.
As you say DnJ: Just listen, validate, and H keeps filling in more and more details. Dig for patience my dear.
This is what I'm doing and it feels the right thing to do.
