A MLCer, especially went they are coming back, cannot help themselves spilling the beans. (Talking about what’s going on, in case you do not recognize the reference.) You are doing wonderfully. Just listen, validate, and H keeps filling in more and more details. Dig for patience my dear.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
He started talking about the M, then about the D. He wants to continue with it.
Ok. Let him.
Remember, believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
If you would like to give ample time to see where this goes, let him do the heavy lifting. You cannot make him change his mind, you can only control you. And you can “not block his way”, yet not do it for him, all while still observing. See if his actions match his words.
In my opinion, his words and actions do not match. He’s at home. There is a part of him that wants to be there. He is confused and under a lot of pressure.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
He wants me to be free as he can't give me what I'm entitled to yet, but he did say that I am the person he loves the most and that it always will be me.
Pretty confused and depressed guy right there.
He is looking for you to make a decision for him. Do not take the bait. You make your decision for you.
To be blunt, get divorced for you if that is what you want. H, if he really wants a divorce, needs to find the will to do it. He needs to take responsibility for his decision and action. And the consequences that come from it. Note: Deciding to delay is also possible and has consequences and benefits for him. Interesting to consider if he will see that.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
The 2 relationships he had the past years have never worked out because he can't let go of us. He also hurt those 2 people a lot. He was the worst version of himself in that country where he lived for the past year he said.
Can never forgive himself for the pain he caused everyone. He says he is depressed and that he doesn't want to live anymore at certain times.
Just look at all the information that tumbles out.
H is admitting things to you, which is actually admitting it to himself. He is also looking to see how you are going to react. And keeps giving you the option of leaving because he doesn’t feel he deserves forgiveness or compassion. And that stems from lack of forgiveness and compassion for himself.
This is an awakening. Hopefully, it will endure and H can continue its path.
Depression is the first major milestone/stage. H’s anger and hurt has been lashed outward towards you, parents, friends, the world; and he has run and frolicked with others in a futile attempt to stop his ceaseless pain.
None of that has worked. H has said it!
Now, his hurt and anger turns inward. And anger turned inward becomes depression. As deep and dark a depression as you had, times it by two or four or maybe more. A MLCers depression matches the depth of their crisis.
As H works through his depression; and he will if he has the strength and not too much external pressure; he will withdrawal. He will withdrawal from everyone and everything. From the world. He is now in a fight with himself. This is probably the most critical time in recovery. A MLCer has to walk this dark lonely path.
When they emerge, they will be different. A grown up person, still timid, ashamed, guilty, and such; yet matured. They will roll up their sleeves and go about repairing their lives and those around them.
A very brief summary of H’s mindset and possible/probable(?) outlook.
By the way, suicidal thoughts are very common. And if he is talking about it, that’s a good thing. He is getting his feelings out and letting them go.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
S17 wants to punish his father for what happened. His behavior is very difficult at the past days. He opposes to his father.
Of course I was also involved. H's immediately takes on the role of victim, as well as blaming me, I have not been able to control myself either unfortunately. (Is he feeling pushed in a corner?)
His reasoning is that he is superfluous here after all this time. That we are attuned to each other with 4 and that no one listens to him. That if he makes a rule, they won't follow it without my consent. That only my opinion counts for them. (which I must admit is correct,but I guess this is normm, the children have to get used to this situation again)
S17’s behaviour is pretty normal. A lad of 17 is already rebelling and pushing against his parent(s). Mix in H and son’s feelings regarding Dad’s indiscretions, and there is going to be some lashing out.
As best you can, keep out of this. S17 and Dad need to find their way.
And yes, after so many years, Dad’s voice and command is evaporated at home. In time, and with consistent demonstrated behaviour Dad will be listened to again.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
He also said he thinks I still have to much expectations, and that this feels like pressure to him. If we talk about a movie he saw and I didn’t I would say, ‘OK, we can watch it this week’. I need to say, I’ll watch it, not we. For him this feels like ‘us’ and he can’t commit to ‘us’.
Pressure Alert!
When his say too much pressure. Back off. Way off.
He told you directly what is hurting inside. He wants to and (for the moment) cannot commit to the concept of “us”. So, do watch your wording.
His lack of committing probably makes you hurt. Or mad/sad. Somewhat. However, his lack of committing is a good thing. It shows he knows what commitment is, and more importantly what commitment takes. And he wants to find it. Think about that. That’s pretty darn amazing.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
But in the end we’ll still watch it together, so what’s the difference…
Everything!
This part of H is irrational. It will not make rational sense. Yes, in the end you both watched the movie. H couldn’t watch it as a couple - even though he did. Take his words and actions with a grain of salt (another phrase you may or may not be familiar with, means don’t read too much in to it). His not doing it, and then doing it, is just a way of getting his emotions organized and sorted out.
You watch the movie. With or without H. And let H join you. See no pressure - from his viewpoint. Trust me, he brought up the movie, and he wants to watch it with you. He is just finding himself, his courage, and seeing all the regrets and pain he needs to work through. It’s hard to imagine just what these crisis folks are going through. Timid scared squirrel. And getting better, IMHO.
Have a great day Eagle.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
