I really enjoyed your phrasing…trust me…H is definitely not there yet, whether it will ever come is the question, but that's his path, I need to keep following my own.
the past 4 days went extermely well, yesterday the first clash with S17.
However, the evening had started in a very good way. H and I talked for a long time.
He started talking about the M, then about the D. He wants to continue with it.
He wants me to be free as he can't give me what I'm entitled to yet, but he did say that I am the person he loves the most and that it always will be me. The 2 relationships he had the past years have never worked out because he can't let go of us. He also hurt those 2 people a lot. He was the worst version of himself in that country where he lived for the past year he said.
Can never forgive himself for the pain he caused everyone. He says he is depressed and that he doesn't want to live anymore at certain times.
About the D he also sees that it was only about a piece of paper and that if it must be we can come back together in the future, that this will not stop him if he can give me back what I want, of course if I haven't already moved on with my life with someone else. He wants me to be happy. I told him I'm happy. (which is the truth, with or without him)
S17 wants to punish his father for what happened. His behavior is very difficult at the past days. He opposes to his father.
Of course I was also involved. H's immediately takes on the role of victim, as well as blaming me, I have not been able to control myself either unfortunately. (Is he feeling pushed in a corner?)
His reasoning is that he is superfluous here after all this time. That we are attuned to each other with 4 and that no one listens to him. That if he makes a rule, they won't follow it without my consent. That only my opinion counts for them. (which I must admit is correct,but I guess this is normm, the children have to get used to this situation again)
He wanted to leave today. In the end he didn't. This afternoon we will go for a long walk together. He had suggested this before the clash himself yesterday. Has just now agreed to still go. He wants to talk.
I am worried. Worried about the fact that maybe I shouldn't have let him come home yet, for the sake of the children.
This will be an incredibly difficult process, but I have to put my children first. Will see how it goes the following days.
