Confused But Committed, Part 3

[DnJ]

Good Morning Hoch

I am familiar with the site you are referencing. I’ve read it in its entry a few times, although that’s years ago now. A quick caution: I believe we are not to directly state other websites and such that offer similar information and/or help as divorcebusting does. That’s agreed upon in the user agreement, if I recall.

Almost everyone knows of this other site, and usually stating just that “another website” is really all the information one needs to impart. Credibility of whatever site you are reading comes from its contents not it’s name. There are many sites out on the net. Plenty have quite a different slant, almost mean, and some outright mean. Personally, I only post and read here now.

I’m really understanding it for the first time. Forgiveness of others, forgiveness of self, love of self and all, but still asking people to be accountable. Not out of justice or revenge, but out of that same love of self and others - when you have respect for the other person and yourself, you mustard that they be accountable for their actions. It’s the only way to respect both parties.

Excellent.

Interestingly, people usually do not like accountability when it is directed at them. Oh, they’ll hold others accountable all day long, but get mad and upset when it’s turned to them. Their idea of accountable is more blaming than from deeply held values.

The being a beacon, a lighthouse, holding yourself accountable and loving and forgiving. And shinning that outward. As you now know and feel, one cannot really do that when their own internal light is dim.

Turning your back, becoming indifferent, are normal steps along the path. This is a temporary state and reprieve from one’s spouse and their antics. Make the most of it!

There is a void created with such an indifference. Other feelings will loom larger than they really are contrasted against this void. This limbo is normal. You are not dragged around nor triggered by words or actions of your W; a great time to dig deep and discover your beliefs. Strengthen those that serve. Create one that you aspire to. And discard or alter one’s that are less than you would like or do not serve. And you’d be surprise at some of the things we incorrectly hold dear.

I agree your W turned up the charm to attempt to get you back under her thumb. With that no longer working she turned angry. Hoch, respect and accountability. Boundary disrespectful behaviour and keep moving forward.

The only thing which stopped me from doing that was the rebellion - endangering my job and our finances, that’s what finally broke me.

You must protect your finances and job. Her rebellious behaviour is not allowed if it directly threatens this. That is a boundary which sounds like you applied; perhaps unwittingly with becoming indifferent. Of course she isn’t happy with it. She’d being held accountable for her actions.

Boundaries are not punishment. They are actions you will take due to disrespectful behaviour from W. Actions you enact. Actions that are within your control. That loss of power is pretty upsetting to the other person.

In essence, me becoming distant worked great for a few weeks - until it exploded, and now W is acting openly hostile. Do I abandon this track - “abort, abort!” - and return to an earlier approach, or ride it out as a necessary change of the status quo? DBing feels a little like holding a pose for years, such that when it comes time to pivot even slightly it can feel like a very costly mistake.

This is a long view thing. Don’t fret over the short view.

DBing is for you. You save yourself first. If your marriage is saved that is a bonus.

Find yourself and your convictions. Re-organizing them accordingly. And live them!

W is watching. She saw how you become indifferent. She’s testing to see if it’s real. It your change is permanent. Or is it a ploy to win her back.

That’s a question for you as well.

Place your focus and efforts upon yourself. Not in a selfish way or to be vindictive or any such, just from a respectful, accountable, stance.

She is acting more like a roommate than a wife, treat her as such. Kindly. Friendly roommate. She can only change herself, and until she decides to…well you can only do what you can do.

Live and lead a good life. It encourages and influences. Her path is up to her.

That’s DB. You find the honourable and authentic path forward and walk it. Live and love life. She will catch up or she won’t. Be patient you got plenty of time, use it well.

D