As far as your last question, it is a "hey, let's sit down and discuss the MR." That is what she doesn't like. If it is just something that comes up in the course of conversation, she is fine discussing it. If I make it a "thing" she doesn't. But at this point I don't even have anything to discuss. "Hey, I am in a malaise and kind of thinking I might be happier on my own." That seems like something I shouldn't be saying at this point.
I'm with May on this. Not that that's particularly unexpected I'm sure, but she is a grown woman in a marriage. One that has a storied past. R talks shouldn't be a "thing" in any context unless it's a full blown crisis. One of the things my H has gotten right this side of the A is that he checks in often with me on how he's doing as a husband and father. He also makes it a point to check on my mental health. These little check ins give me opportunities to say what I need to say. And it sets me up to be in a completely non-defensive position when I reciprocate the questions. He was a big let's not make this a "thing" kinda guy prior. And that really led us to some ugly places. Barring communication if it's not being done the way you want is a pretty big hiccup in any long term relationship.
That being said. You don't need to frame this as a you (meaning her) problem to her. Honestly in your position I'd frame it as a we problem where the focus is on me. What I mean with that is you need to tell her how you're feeling or you're going to blindside her. You don't have to come out and say "Yeah so i've been thinking about a divorce lately. D's outta the house so..." You can say very diplomatically "I'm really struggling with the change in our household. I'm going to start up with IC again in the new year. I'm finding myself being irritable because I'm struggling. Including some of it being directed at you, and to be honest when I'm being logical I know it's not you, it's me. I'm a little raw/on edge/whatever right now. If I'm being unnecessarily gruff please let me know so I can correct myself. If I'm hurt by you can you be understanding even if it seems ridiculous. I love you and I'd really like your support through this."
