Piecing.......

[SteveLW]

Hi Steve,

I'm wondering about going back to the DBing principles in your sitch. Yes of course the GAL, self-differentiation, validation, etc is all good regardless. But for a M to work, you both need to be fulfilled, and focusing on your PMA and the distance/pursuit dynamic feels a bit manipulative rather than collaboratively addressing issues in your R with your W.

the idea of your W not being into R talks... that rang a bit of an alarm bell for me. She's a grown woman in a M that has had some pretty rocky points. I'm sorry, but whether she likes R talks or not, she's got to participate. As WF says, maybe not a dire "we have to talk" kind of thing, but at least get some of this out in the open. I think you need to be able to be honest and open with each other about your feelings. From my perspective that emotional intimacy is a big part of a healthy relationship. (And when that doesn't happen, when instead of sharing your feelings with each other you swallow them-- that does build resentment and distance, exactly as LH says.) Maybe she's just feeling sad about your D being at college and she could be misplacing those negative feelings on your M instead of where they belong, and maybe you need to have a good MC help you guys navigate this period of your lives together. Have you two talked together about your D being away at school and how that feels and what you want to do now as a couple that you have more time?

And a clarifying question to be sure I understand: when you say she doesn't like R talks, what do you mean by that? How do you define an R talk?

I will try to keep an eye on the manipulation. Certainly not what I am after here. As I said to LH, she has essentially asked for more space, so I need to give it to her. So I am going to be a bit more busy both while home and certainly when out, to let her have that decompression room, that room to really recharge her introverted internal self.

My W has a skewed view of R talks. In her mind she thinks that you only discuss it if there is an problem. So a state of the state talk, in her mind, is going to be me thinking there is a problem to be resolved. I did mind to say we never discuss the R, but it tends to be very organic, very spontaneous, kind of like the discussion where she said "we are always together". I really do not think this anything on her end at all. It isn't her being sad, withdrawn, etc. Nothing has changed (other than what I told WF about more intimacy) before this malaise to now. This is really totally on my side, and with me.

As far as your last question, it is a "hey, let's sit down and discuss the MR." That is what she doesn't like. If it is just something that comes up in the course of conversation, she is fine discussing it. If I make it a "thing" she doesn't. But at this point I don't even have anything to discuss. "Hey, I am in a malaise and kind of thinking I might be happier on my own." That seems like something I shouldn't be saying at this point.