Piecing.......

[SteveLW]

I just thought about a few things reading through what's here.

1) I really think maybe you should give a look through this thread a little Steve. These 'what do I do now' feelings have basically been going on since D was gearing up to head off to school so I really think you need to sit with that.

2) You said the relationship you guys had when it was just the two of you was pretty rocky. Was it rocky because of her, because of you or because of you guys feeding off each other? Because of that past do you even know how to be a couple without being parents first? I'm not talking planned date nights and differentiation. I'm talking do you guys know how to be in a mutually beneficial relationship with each other without your D there as a touch point and a buffer?

3) As your daughter doesn't need you "any more" (that's in quotes because let's be real they'll always need us) are you feeling a little useless or aimless without her as the target? Are you feeling a little less grounded without anyone depending on you? Is there a chance there's a co-dependency thing happening here? Creating drama where there is none so you have something to fix? Please don't take that as accusatory. I have no idea if that's what's happening here. I'm just spit balling with what I know. And if you can cross that off the list of possibilities immediately then that's all I was looking for with that.

4) Given the above you may want to consider not only IC but a serious R talk. Maybe not force this as a crisis issue. Because it's not. You guys aren't in crisis. You as an individual are kind of teetering on the edge of one right now though. You might need to consider MC? A couple retreat? Some kind of reconnection reading or bootcamp? I'm not sure. But I'm wondering if it isn't so much malaise as it is you're floundering navigating a moment in your life that you've never had to do before and it seems easier and more efficient if you just called it quits and give yourself the opportunity to start over.

I'm not sure, Steve. I know you're not going to rush to act. That's not your style. I just think there's a lot to unpack here and the surface feeling of it all that you're having a hard time pinpointing feels very much like it's literally just the surface of something here.

WF, as always, poignant and well said.

1) I agree. Solid observation here. I will continue to process the feelings without acting on them.

2) The relationship when it was just the two of us AND pretty much my daughter's entire life has been pretty rocky. I could probably say that other than the last 4 years, the previous 19 years there was probably 2 years that were not rocky, and most of that was following the first sitch in 2005. But your point still stands. I think there is a bit of, to #1, what next, maybe storming phase going on here. In some ways it has been beneficial. Rolling over in the morning and having sex without regard to doors open, other people in the house, certainly has been beneficial. She is a woman that has to be relaxed and comfortable to be in the mood. Ironically, my libido has slowed down....maybe because I am not used to it being so available. But you are spot on with this. We need to learn how to be each other spouses without being fulltime parents too.

3) Interesting point on this one. I do not think you are off base at all. Let's face it, a big part of our identity is being so-and-so's dad or mom. There may be a bit of an identity crisis going on related to that. Maybe it is codependent, maybe it is me facing the end of midlife, and moving into old age. I have been really thinking about retirement, and getting all my ducks in a row so that in 7-8 years I can retire. All of this goes into what you are hitting on here. I will continue to consider this, try to keep this in mind. You are right, I haven't had to deal with this before and maybe that is part of what I am struggling with.

4) As I stated, I am not sure she is willing for a serious R talk. She loathes them. Not that I won't have one if it gets there, but since right now this appears to be more on my end than hers, I think IC in the new year is a definite must do. I agree this is not a crisis. I agree that we probably do need something. I like the idea of a retreat. I'll be honest, we have an elderly giant breed dog that is in need of a lot of care, so getting away right now may not be possible right now. But I will keep this advice in my head.

I agree, maybe these is just on the surface of something deeper. I am hoping IC will help me get to a deeper level on this.