I'm wondering about going back to the DBing principles in your sitch. Yes of course the GAL, self-differentiation, validation, etc is all good regardless. But for a M to work, you both need to be fulfilled, and focusing on your PMA and the distance/pursuit dynamic feels a bit manipulative rather than collaboratively addressing issues in your R with your W.
the idea of your W not being into R talks... that rang a bit of an alarm bell for me. She's a grown woman in a M that has had some pretty rocky points. I'm sorry, but whether she likes R talks or not, she's got to participate. As WF says, maybe not a dire "we have to talk" kind of thing, but at least get some of this out in the open. I think you need to be able to be honest and open with each other about your feelings. From my perspective that emotional intimacy is a big part of a healthy relationship. (And when that doesn't happen, when instead of sharing your feelings with each other you swallow them-- that does build resentment and distance, exactly as LH says.) Maybe she's just feeling sad about your D being at college and she could be misplacing those negative feelings on your M instead of where they belong, and maybe you need to have a good MC help you guys navigate this period of your lives together. Have you two talked together about your D being away at school and how that feels and what you want to do now as a couple that you have more time?
And a clarifying question to be sure I understand: when you say she doesn't like R talks, what do you mean by that? How do you define an R talk?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
