Piecing.......

[SteveLW]

I read a good book about the fact that for a relationship to survive, each partner needs to be willing to push things to a crisis when they need to. Each person needs to be willing to say "the status quo doesn't work for me" with the implication being that if it doesn't change, they're done. The other person can either ignore them, in which case the relationship ends, they can agree to fix whatever the issue is, or they can offer a compromise. This process forces the relationship to evolve, and to stay alive it must evolve. The alternative is to slowly erode through building resentments. This sounds like where you are at Steve.

Hmmm. I will have to sit with this a bit. Not sure it is resentments as much as it is "do you have to -enter annoying habit here- every 5 minutes?" I will admit a lot of this is on me. Things like that bother me and as May said (I'll get to your response next), maybe that is more on me than her. In some ways I can't help how I feel, but at the same time I do get to choose how I deal with it. I don't really have any resentments, at least that I can put a finger on.

Hi Steve,

I also think about what it would be like to walk out. As you know I'm even earlier in the process than WF and I still haven't fully forgiven him. I worry that I'll never really get over the fact that he had this affair and told another woman he loved her. That still f-ing hurts and I'm not 100% sure I'll ever be okay with it. When he reverts to pre-BD habits it makes me insane and scared that I went through all of this to get back to our same mediocre pre-BD M. And then I get angry that it even OCCURS to me that D is an option, since it never had been before and he's the one that put it on the table in the first place.

I also think you should give yourself and your R a bit of a break for the feelings you're having-- I think it is incredibly common for so many right now after a year and a half of this pandemic. Don't make the mistake of blaming your current malaise on your W or your R.

What I have gone to when I have these feelings is back to DnJ (wow, I wish he would post here on Piecing one day!) What are my values and my most strongly held beliefs? What do I want out of this life? Who do I want to be? And recognizing that the feelings I'm having are fleeting and I can let them pass by. So often that immediate thought of walking is emotionally driven and passes within minutes. Focus on the good between you two and all of the reasons you are still married.

The other thing I do is go back to the basics of what do I control? Just me. Recognizing you're feeling this malaise is an important step. What can you do about it for yourself? Are there self-care opportunities you should pursue? Something new? Also, I'd question why these bad habits bother you so much. Can you disconnect your own emotional reaction from her bad habit? In the big picture, who cares? Unless it is unsafe or somehow a really serious negative for you, I'd try to not let it bother you. I was able to do this actually in the middle of my whole sitch, where I forgave my H for all the resentments I'd held for many years and stopped seeing him leaving his lunch plates around, for instance, as an infuriating character flaw and instead either picked up the dish and put it in the dishwasher (took me 30 seconds) or left it and didn't worry about it. It removed so much negativity from my life. Maybe this would help you too? Basically a level of detachment.

Finally, I see what LH is saying about the need for an R to evolve, but I don't necessarily agree that the only way for that to happen is the threat of it ending. Make it a purposeful thing to try something new together-- I remember reading a lot way back when I thought my M could still be saved by trying harder about the way that new experiences affect your brain, and that doing something new together is bonding. Are there things you can do as a couple to break out of your rut and see each other anew?

I know Gottman talks about having regular "state of the state" relationship convos-- do you guys do that? It gives an opportunity to air little things before they turn into resentment. And as WF said, you guys are facing an enormous change in your lives-- have you two sat down to talk intentionally about what you both want for the future?

Anyway, hope some of this helps.

M

Lots to unpack here May. Very good stuff and insightful. Your thought on her habits make a lot of sense. I too went through a lot of what you dealt with as I am a borderline OCD neat freak. She.....is not. LOL So I had to really adjust my expectations back 4 years ago when we were in the thick of our sitch. Socks laying on the floor, dishes randomly tossed into the sink (with an empty dishwasher next to it), being the one that has to clean (if I want a clean house I have to do it), all were things I realized I had prioritized over her. It wasn't until we were married several years that I realized she was like this when we dated. So I couldn't expect it to be different once we were married. So I had a choice to make that a deal breaker, or put it aside for love. In the big scheme of things an untidy house isn't the end of the world...even though it makes me hyperventilate! LOL

As far as the breaking out of a rut, I don't really think we are in a rut. We had actually been in a pretty good place. We do regular date nights, we have good conversations, we share, laugh and play. All good stuff. And WF mentioned the major life change (our D was just home for Thanksgiving) with our D going off to school, and in some ways that has actually benefited our MR.

She doesn't really like R talks these days. So the state of the state thing probably won't work for us. I'll mull that one over. But it did spark a memory that happened a couple of weeks ago. that could be part of my malaise.

As I said, things have been going pretty well for us. But then after I had been a way for a week long hunting trip, I had literally just returned home. Somehow we were discussing hanging out, or doing something together, and she made an offhanded comment about "We are always together." And not in the "I love that we are always together" tone, but quite the opposite. After I pointed out I was just gone for a week, she then went to the fact I have been work from home since March 2020. Now, she is about as introverted as a person can be. She really needs her alone time to recharge, values it highly. I have a lot of activities I do (gun range, hunting, hanging out with a group of friends, going up to the hunting property overnight (not just in hunting season but also to go up to maintain it), etc), to make sure she is getting alone time. Anyway, this particular comment struck me the wrong way. I didn't realize how much it had stung until just now. I think that is the point that I started having the malaise. Kind of a "maybe it isn't going as well as I thought".

IDK, I am sure this will all pass. D went back to school on Tuesday. We'll see how things go I guess. Meantime, I have kind of resorted back to DBing principles. I am present, upbeat, fulfilled, pleased, but not overly talkative. I listen. I continue to validate (validation has a huge impact on our MR since I learned to get proficient with it after discovering this site). I have a lot of GAL activities and haven't really slowed down on those even during the pandemic. Maybe my detachment isn't what it should be? I will have to work on that, get back to a good level of differentiation.

Thanks everyone for their feedback.