New Here _2

[McRamone]

Hey McRamone,

I started this post yesterday before you went after Ginger, and am not sure why I'm still going to post it but since it is already written maybe it will help you or someone else.

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Yet she is free to go after me?

Or the guy who called Galaga a troll when he was talking about saving his hanging father..

I get that you have an online relationship with the people here. It seems it’s ignore their chirps and excuse their behavior. I understand that

Everyone here is truly here to help and has either gone through their own similar, difficult situation or is currently still struggling with it. I recall early on you said you wanted to work on strengthening your empathy muscles-- can you practice that here? I strongly recommend you take what CW has said to heart. Instead of lashing out and putting others down, can you put your emotional response aside and try to listen to what is being said? Is there any kernel of truth? Are there things you might improve upon in how you interact with others such that you can be a better friend, partner, father, colleague?

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My online presence is a bit intense but in no way match me IRL.
Not close. I have several close friends going back decades, everyone at work gets along great with me. I’m consistently nominated and win peer awards at my company - you don’t get those being a jerk or arrogant to coworkers. I try to be a fully engaged parent. I was the one that worked every during online school. I’m teaching my oldest to drive, I try to spend meaningful time with my youngest. I do so much for the family. Cook 80% of the meals, grocery shopping, takes kids to school, etc. I’ve ran 8 marathons including qualifying for Boston with my running club. I’ve coached others in the club. I say this not to brag but to highlight you don’t really know me at all. No person can on a forum like this.

You call me arrogant and combative. Two words that no one I knows would describe me. That’s why it’s an insult to me. I work in corporate legal. I make negotiate all the time. You can’t do that being arrogant and combative all the time. It’s always about give and take. Trying to see the other party’s perspective and coming together. I’d been fired a long time ago if I couldn’t do that.

I am confident in what I know, confident in my ability and am willing to engage people to change minds.

Seeing you write cruel barbs full of disdain to disprove strangers on the internet who are only trying to help really made me think that wow, now I get what your wife is feeling and why she's doing what she's doing.

You also come across as not very respectful of other people, not just here but in your R with your W.

. You have no way of knowing this. Ok. I don’t respect people who won’t get vaxxed or won’t wear masks. In general people who don’t think of others.

The privacy thing is a good example-- you didn't grow up with respecting others' privacy, and she did... but when the time came for you to either respect her wishes or just follow what you've always done, you just did what you wanted without taking her thoughts or feelings into consideration.

I didn’t detail every interaction on this nor every change. For example, when we were first married she made a comment about me opening her mail. I stopped doing that and haven’t since. There are other things. I started seeing an IC at HER request.

You shared what your love language is but not hers-- I'm assuming you know it, but through what you're sharing you're focusing on how you didn't get what you needed from the relationship and how that made you respond, not what was happening for your wife and how you were trying to respect and meet her needs.

Getting so upset and lashing out when people are saying you should be prepared for the A to have been physical, for it to still be going on, for this to be a stepping stone to D... that really isn't productive for you.

It’s not productive for people to call my wife a whore and imply the ONLY reason she was moving out was to sleep around. (And yes someone did say this). I ask you is that productive? I think Steve has his own issues and I don’t respect him. So you are right

I disagree that assuming my wife is sleeping around is helpful. It’s actually toxic. Especially for my situation. The constant drumbeat of negativity about a spouse can actually affect how you think and you see everything in a negative light.

I think the people on here are actually obsessed with this fact. But I don’t think you can actually be fully prepared for the truth. My grandma passed away this summer she was 100 years old. By rights I should’ve been prepared for her death yet when it happened I was struck by the grief I had.

But if I ask people to drop that line of thinkimg. I would hope they’d respect that.

The final thing I wanted to say is that most of the posters here do advocate for what MWD calls the last-last resort technique (if I remember that correctly). I questioned that too, in my sitch, and vets said that it is because most of the LBSs that end up here are in that really dire situation where the LLRT is called for. It was not appropriate in my situation and I did not do it. It may not be appropriate in yours, in fact I do think you have the chance to save your M without employing the LLRT. But-- and this is the big but-- the way you do that is through focusing on YOU, not her, or all us jerks here on this board. What can you do differently? What are 180s you can work on for yourself? What kind of person do you want to be? Are you okay being tagged as an arrogant jerk or do you want to be a more empathetic person? If you don't want to be an @ss-- DON'T. Feels like this forum would be a great place for you to practice taking that chip off your shoulder. Your wife needs her space and time to do her own work to determine whether or not she wants to stay married to you. You can't force that process. it is hers and hers alone. Focus on how you can become the best McR you can be and give her the space to find her own path. She needs to choose you, and it can't be forced.

Good luck,
May

MWD doesn’t advocate jumping to the LRT right away.

Plus the mixed advice makes my head spin.

Don’t got to MC. Do go to MC. Don’t have contact, do have contact. Don’t help her move. Be supportive of the move. Do go over to her place. Don’t go over to her place.



I appreciate your thoughts. Honestly. But I think my situation is so different that I don’t belong here or am not the kind of “LBS” that the forum wants. I never got the DB. I never got the ILYBINILWY.
I never got the rewriting of the marriage see only the negative. I really don’t think people here are equipped or know what to do with that.